Diary of Margot

I'm not perfect, sorry...

"I don't hate him. I hate what he did to me."

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Being back at camp after what seemed to be a lifetime was very weird. It was December 23, tomorrow was Christmas eve. But isn't that time supposed to be all about joy and family time? Right now, I was only feeling down.
Since I came back to camp, too much happened. A new guy named Nico almost killed Percy and let Skeleton into camp. But we're demigod, is it that strange?? And I learned that Luke wasn't as dead as I thought. My feelings were so confused; on one side, I was glad that he was alive because no matter what he did, he was my brother and my only real family. But I also wish he died, because for a moment I thought that maybe everything could go back to normal.
But whatever, I just reinstalled in the Hermes Cabin. Since I came back, I haven't talked to anyone, not even Clarisse. I was consumed by the guilt. I mean, I was only starting to realize the impact of Luke's action. The loss of lives that we caused. I didn't realize it sooner.. I mean, I knew we were the bad guys, but I never knew we did so much hurt to everyone.
I couldn't face anyone; I mean, most of them were just glaring at me, but my old friends were just looking at me with compassion. Of course, Travis and Connor didn't try to talk to me; I guess they just lost all their trust in me. But can I blame them? I had betrayed them, and I knew how much this hurt; they were my brothers, but as always, I took Luke side.
On the other hand, Beckendorf tried to talk to me, but I turned back as soon as I saw him. But I knew I couldn't run away from them forever. It won't last long until someone tricks me up to talk to them.
It was the evening; we had just finished dinner, but I wasn't really hungry, just like all the time. But no one seemed to pay attention to me, or were they. I was walking back to my cabin but I didn't really want to. I mean, almost nobody stayed during the year, and staying in silence with my brother and some others was just awful. So, I chose my other option, going to the beach, to have peace. But apparently, someone already knew my plan. Clarisse was standing on the camp beach;; I thought about turning back, but she would clearly have stormed out in my cabin if I had.
-I knew you would come here. You can't run from me forever, you know?
-I'm not running from you; I just don't want to talk, okay?
-No, not ok. I observed you during lunches; you barely eat and,and, let me guess,guess, barely sleep.
-I'm fine, Clarisse. I don't need your help or anyone. So just stop and tell the others to leave me alone. Are we clear?

I left her standing alone. I know I was being hard on her, but I clearly didn't want to have their pity. They all looked like they had forgiven me, but how can they when even I can't do it ? I made my way back to the cabin, where nobody noticed me. I eventually went to my bunk, the one I used to share with Luke; obviously, as a kid, I had begged him for the top bed, but as the year went by, we kind of ended up sharing the bottom one. Around 2 am, I was still awake; my body wanted to fall deeply asleep, but my mind was just overwhelming. Everything I had endured those past months was haunting me, and above all, the conversation I had with Clarisse about Chris when I was still over there. I mean, last time we spoke, she was on a quest, and now she's here, but where in the hades is my brother? All those questions were definitely messing with my head, so I took my shoes and decided to go for a walk. Was this a stupid decision who was going to put me in trouble probably, but right now it was my best idea.
I was walking down the beach in the middle of the night. No sound could be heard except for the waves and the wind. Somehow, those little sounds were comforting me. I laid down on the sand and observed the horizon. Something about it had always captivated me: discovering the world, getting out of the camp for a day. That's what I was dreaming of as a little girl, and now that I had explored this world, I was wishing I never had left camp. When you grew up in a place, you always dreamed of seeing the outside; hearing stories from the others, you wished to be like them, but it turns out the world isn't as perfect as it seemed. All I discover being outside is how bad the world actually is, and it turns out it is not all the gods fault.
I was so overwhelmed by all of this that I didn't hear the noises behind me.