The closed curtains

Chapter 8

"You will do great," Simon said. He knew how nervous I was to speak in front of other people. I had struggled with it at Hillerska too. I could not count the number of times when we were supposed to present something in front of the class and I had freaked out. I remembered when we were supposed to present our group project on Crisis by Karin Boye our first year of high school. I had just freaked out and left, before I even had stepped into the classroom. Simon had followed me and had found me puking my guts out in my dorm. I could still remember how bad I had been feeling and how embarrassed I had felt. I was the crown prince. Giving speeches is part of my job. Simon had embraced me, kissed my cheek and told me everything would be alright. Then he went to class and told the teacher I was unwell. I remembered that he had gone to check on me after class. I had been laying on my bed, still feeling anxious. He had cuddled me until I had fallen asleep in his arms. I didn't even wake up when he left to catch the bus, so that his mother would not worry. The morning after, I had woken up alone in bed. I still remembered feeling exhausted, as if my limbs were made of lead. Simon was the one who got me out of bed that morning. He was the reason I got out of bed at all back then. On my bad days now, he still was the only reason I did anything at all.

"You think?" I asked. Simon smiled big at me and nodded.

"I know so," he said. He corrected the collar on my suit. His confidence made me feel calm. I embraced him slowly. Held his hand in mine. Our eyes met, before I leaned in to kiss him.

"I love you," I said.

"I love you too," he replied. When my mother entered the room, we separated. She smiled when she saw us together.

"It is time. Do you feel alright?" my mom asked. I nodded. She touched my shoulder and looked up into my eyes. Caressed my cheek.

"Yeah," I said.

"I am so proud of you. Erik would have been so proud of you," mom said. "He would have said 'that is my little brother, how did he grow up so fast?'" I saw tears form in her eyes when she spoke of him. No matter how much time went, Erik was always missing. I chuckled a little. I was taller than he was now. I could imagine myself teasing him about it, if he was alive.

"Yeah, I guess he would," I said. He had just gotten back from the military when I transferred to Hillerska. He used to talk about how he used to drive the tracked vehicle and how much freedom he felt doing it. I wondered if he ever felt complete freedom ever. I had felt freedom. Simon made me feel free, because he never saw me as crown prince Wilhelm. He saw me as Wilhelm, his boyfriend. The only time he pointed out that I was a prince was when I fucked up and did not see how because of the privilege I grew up with. Mom and Simon both hugged me before I went up on stage. I could do it. I knew I could. Before I began talking, I looked up at the sky and thought about what Erik would have said. How he would have acted.

*************

I held Simon's hand as we walked up the stairs to Stockholm city hall where the banquet would take place. He was so pretty, dressed in a blue suit and shiny shoes. His hair was carefully styled. A hint of eyeliner and eyeshadow was present on his eyelids. In the dining hall, we met the supreme commander, who commented on my speech. I thanked him and went further inside. I met more important people. Politicians, military people and the new generals. Banquets were not my favourite either. I heard Erik's voice in my head, telling me it was not so bad. To just put up the prince facade and shake some hands, small talk and pretend to be very interested in their old aunt who might have been acquainted with someone vaguely related to you. God, I hated small talk. That was a skill that I knew that August mastered much better than myself. I had seen him in different situations, just speaking to people he did not know like he had known them forever. He was my opposite, in most ways.

"Crown prince Wilhelm, what a pleasure to meet you," an older gentleman said. I did not remember his name, but I knew his face. I had seen him before. "I am amiral Andersson. I used to train the crown prince's late brother when he was in military training." Thankfully he turned to Simon to introduce himself, as Simon of course could not know who he was talking to otherwise.

"Lovely to meet you, sir," I said. Simon agreed.

"I hope that you and your family have found some peace after the tragic passing of your brother," amiral Andersson said.I felt a lump in my throat. Erik's birthday was coming up, which was an especially hard time for me. I answered politely anyways. Pretended to not be me. "Anyways. How are you finding military training?"

"I of course find it challenging to be away from my family and friends, but I enjoy the training a lot," I said as neutral as possible. I was not overly enthusiastic about military training, but it was no use in telling the man in front of me that.

"Might this young man be part of your homesickness?" amiral Andersson asked and gestured towards Simon. I saw Simon blush, just lightly. I nodded a bit. "You have never considered joining the crown prince in military training? What do you do for a living?" Simon was a bit tense. I could tell by the way he held my hand.

"I study music at the University for music," Simon said politely. "Military training I leave for Wilhelm. I think he is better suited for it than me."

"Most people would be surprised how well they would do in the military," amiral Andersson said. "But I have heard that you are quite a talent in music. Maybe it would be a waste to go to military training for you."

"It certainly would be a waste of talent," I said.

"You fell in love with his voice, right?" the amiral asked. I nodded a bit. I did fall in love with his voice first and then with his entire being. "I should know. My wife is a singer and I swear I fell in love with her voice the first time I saw her. We have been married for, let's see, 53 years now. I can only wish the two of you the same fortune of a long lasting relationship. They don't grow on trees. And neither do good soldiers." Simon and I thanked him and excused ourselves to move on into the banquet hall. I knew what table we would sit at. Farima had nicely prepared me beforehand. Simon was thankfully seated next to me. When we one day got engaged or married, we would not be able to sit together. It was a stupid tradition, in my opinion. I wanted him close to me, always. With him by my side, this all did not seem as bad. I could hold his hand or hold a hand on his leg under the table. I could look at him for reassurance. Support. We sat down by the table. We spoke to the people by the table. In a paus, Simon and I excused ourselves to the restrooms. Not that any of us needed the toilet. I however felt a great need to kiss him. And I could not do that in front of all of the important guests.

"You are too pretty for your own good, sweetheart," I whispered into his ear. I kissed him against the wall of the bathroom. I could feel Simon giggle against my lips.

"How so, honey?" Simon replied teasingly. He breathed against my neck. It was warm and steamy.

"I want you so much," I said.