Hibiki

Chapter 14 | Numb

"We've done everything to save her." A doctor continued with a genuine sad tone. Of course they'd be sad for her loss since they have taken care of her for so long. Yet here I am, still numb.

          A few months ago they had given me choices on what to do next since my mother's illness has worsened.
          When they told me she had Stage 4 Cancer I almost didn't know what to do. My mind was full of mixed emotions, anxiety, and possibilities that might happen.
          They've given me a choice if we should continue until she dies or.. just pull the plug. But looking at her face at that moment. I knew she still needed time, her face didn't show the face of a person that wanted to die. So we gave her time.
          But.. I didn't expect it to be so soon.

          "Yes. Of course I- I know this time would come." It's a struggle to even speak because of the realization that.. I'm all alone now.
          Of course I've thought about this before, oddly it was when I was a kid. Playing with Hibiki, a teddy bear in front of me while looking at the clouds in the sky that is covering the sun.
          Back then, she was full of life. Sitting at a bench not so far but not too close away from us.
          She was sitting there, laughing about a joke Hibiki's mom said, they were the bestest of friends. Unfortunately, those happy moments didn't last long.

          I looked at Hibiki, who is still crying because of my mom's death.
          Damn, shouldn't I be the one crying since I'm the son? But I still understand him, he has seen my mom as a mother figure for him. Since his true mother is..
          "Kaede.." My thoughts got interrupted once again. I snapped back to reality and approached Hibiki.
          I patted his head to calm him down, he stood up and turned that simple gesture into a hug. He embraced me, and this seems to comfort me somehow.
          His body is hot, almost feverishly, while my body is cold. It's cold enough that both my hands are getting stiff.
          I can feel his tears dropping on my shoulder as he kept crying.. crying and crying. While I kept this expressionless face. I don't want to look cold and unfeeling, but right now I really can't feel anything.
          I looked back at my mother's cold dead body. Her brown eyes have lost their light, the black bags under her eyes have turned darker and her mouth still opened.
          Mother, why do you have that expression? Please.. If only I can see you smile again.

          All the doctors and nurses bowed down their head as one of them started praying. Tradition of the hospital's a quick prayer for the dead.
          I looked away as tears finally formed in the corners of my eyes, falling deeper into Hibiki's embrace while my cold tears also fell into his shoulders.

          It was the expression she had when she caught my dad with another woman. She looked shocked but it can be called expressionless, after that she fell deep in depression as we left my father. Almost killing herself, it was the lowest of her life she had been.
          Her happy, cheerful, child-like personality that I was familiar with, changed dramatically.

I don't want to see that again.

⁰-⁰

          "Kaede," Hibiki called out. I looked at him, Hibiki who is walking close to me since we only have one umbrella. It has been raining since I arrived here.
          "What do we do now?" Hibiki continued. If he's talking about what to do with my mom now.
          My father said that he would handle it. I know that my mother hated my father to the core, so do I.. but I'm still young. What can I do?

          I opened the door of my car's back seat and Hibiki entered, so did I in front.
          My dad's trash. He really is, but we can't blame each other. My mom wanted to choose who she wanted to love but was forced into this arranged marriage.
          She tried her best to love him and so that he would love him too but.. my father just couldn't bring himself to love her.
          Love is complicated.. love's destructive, but for me, I think it's worth the risk.