Hibiki

Chapter 15 | We Only Have Each Other

Love is complicated.. love's destructive, and wow. It actually is.

Flash

A thunder clapped loudly, so loud that it felt like it was just behind me, but that's not what I care about right now. Here I am, leaning against my car, hands in my pocket.
          Looking up into the sky that's pouring like there's no forever. It has been raining so much lately.

          I stood up straight and pushed back my hair. My head has already started to ring from all the things that I've been thinking about.

          He has great timing. Yeah Haruki, even after all that, I still can't help but think about him. Even though it hurts, I can't stop myself.
          It's fine, love isn't the reason why I'm thinking of him right now because all I have left for him is hatred.
          I opened the front seat of my car and got inside. I'm all wet from the rain, and the inside of my car's getting wet too.. but I don't really care. I just wanna go home.

          I drove while looking at the streets, now isn't the time to let out my emotions. People can't see me like this, I just can't. If they did I wouldn't be able to have a face to live.
          The tears that started to form in my eyes are blurring my eyesight. I quickly wiped it off. Control.
          When I finally got home, I walked straight to my room. The bed that I left when I woke up was still messy. I didn't even bother changing clothes, I'm too tired. I laid down my bed and got hold of a pillow.
          I'm feeling so many emotions right now that I don't know where to start to calm myself.
          Before I knew it, I was already punching that same pillow I took, but soon hugged.. it? I can't understand myself. I imagined that it was Haruki. I hate him but knowing that I used to love him hurts even more.

Loving the wrong person hurts.

Love itself, hurts.

Love is confusing.

Love is..

What even is love?

          After my mother died I felt numb, well it's because I've never learned to love her. But still, she was my mother so of course I still felt something for her. I'm not a monster after all.
          But Haruki, the one that I unfortunately loved, thought me love.. leaving me right after? What a big surprise.. He was the only one I had left. The one I loved most, even more than my mother and this is what I get?
          I just wish that time would stop. That everything would change. That I could've spent more time with mom and never met Haruki. That way.. that way I wouldn't be hurting this much right now.

          I stopped embracing the pillow since I felt that it was wet. I thought that it was because of my hair but it seems to be coming from my eyes. Tears are forming non-stop and are continuously flowing out of my eyes. I didn't even notice it.
          I took a deep breath and sat upright on the side of my bed. Remembering something important from the past.
--"Kaede, my child. You're very handsome you know? Your outfit looks very good too! But something's missing.. can I see you smile?"--
          As you wish mother.
          Smile. I'm smiling. I like smiling.
          I like smiling because it helps me hide how I feel, thank you for reminding me, mother.
          Tears continued to come out even though I'm already smiling and I can't seem to stop them. I was about to hug a pillow to hide my face again but then my phone suddenly rang. I lazily took it out of my pocket.
          What is it now? It's literally the middle of the night, can I be alo-
          Mrs. Onagawa name, her name registered in the phone call. It's Mrs. Onagawa, but why now? I answered the call.