Hibiki

Chapter 16 | Factory Reset

-HIBIKI-

The thunderstorm grew stronger but it is not the sound that I can hear right now.

Brush

The sound of my hair getting combed is the only thing that I can clearly hear. My mother, looking at the mirror in front of us, looking so dearly at me.

"My daughter is beautiful."

'You're a girl, my daughter'

          That's the phrase she always kept repeating. That she kept on screaming on my ears whenever I misbehaved. I can't do anything, I was just a child. I obeyed, obeyed and obeyed but it never seemed enough. My feelings are the only things that I own in my life. That was when I was even forced to discard it.

"YOU'RE A GIRL. MY. DAUGHTER."

          My mother who was just calm and composed a minute ago was now pulling on my hair, pulling it and pushing my head towards the mirror. I looked at myself, my pitiful self coldly. I look like a girl.

          "Yes mother, but please refrain from using violence. A good lady shouldn't be doing so." I answered while trying my best to get her hands off and sit straight.

          My mother, pleased with my answer smiled quickly and held both my shoulders. Massaging them, moving both her thumbs in a circle behind my shoulders.

          "Very good." Her terrifying smile greeted me as soon as I looked back in the mirror. It looks normal and pleasing to the eyes if people see it, but it definitely isn't for me. I've seen what she actually is.

          A monster, a controlling monster. I was forced to become a 'living puppet'. Forced to obey all that she ordered. Again, I didn't have a choice. I was only a child.

A child.

          But now, looking at myself in this big mirror. I look at myself and feel nothing but happiness. The look I gave myself when I was still a child isn't what I'm wearing to look at myself now. That cold, bitter glare was now a soft, adoring smile.

          I looked at myself wearing Kaede's uniform, his smell still lingered on it making it extra comforting. Comforting me for the coming calamity of a confrontation. I turned and turned for a bit to look at myself much more clearly. Do I look perfect? Do I look good? Does it look odd?
          I really look like a boy now, something that I was never able to experience, to look like before even though I was treated like a dress up doll.

Ah

          Realizing the missing thing to make one look perfect. I tied some part of the back of my hair into a ponytail, something that my mom would consider 'pleasing to the eyes' while keeping some hair in front.
          I looked back in the mirror and was stunned to finally see the final product. I really look like a boy. Mixed, overflowing emotions filled my tiny vessel of a puppet. Every part, corner and crevice of my body filled to the brim. Not just happiness, but also anger, sadness and disgust. Sadness from the fact that I was only able to experience and see myself like this right now. Disgust, disgusted at myself for feeling selfish just because I wanted to do what I wanted to right now. Anger... I don't even know why.
          Surely it's not illegal to be selfish for my happiness for a little while, even just for a day.

          I carefully wiped off the tears that I didn't even notice come out with a handkerchief. I looked one last time in my perfect, boyish yet feminine look. Burning this sight of myself into my retinas that was only possible once in a lifetime.
          I opened the door out of Kaede's bedroom and elegantly, perfectly got out to the living room. Perfectly.