Wished Away

Reality is Cruel

I had wished away those thoughts. I would have rather been crazy then what I was. But the reality was I was trapped; I was mad and crazy and stupid... I was me. And I couldn't escape myself, not even if I tried. It wasn't an option.

That old body was trapped. Left in the confounds of a broken heart, torn at and peeled away until there was only that broken, bruised sadness. I had been everything I once wanted. But I realised that in reality, I had nothing. No one to turn to, to fall back on to, I had been trapped in a fantasy.

But realisation was not enough.

I had to escape something, but I had nothing to run away from. I never had a thing. It was a dream... A nightmare. And with those thoughts, I had cornered myself. Shrunk to a dull, lifeless body with no shoulder to cry on. No arm to cling to and no name to scream. There was no light. This tunnel had stopped a long, long time ago. I had just been too stubborn to see it. I was at fault. The wrongdoing, I was the reason everything was bad and mismatched. There was nothing else to blame. But with my thoughts screaming out to me in the darkness, I was mad.

Stepping out was different. Blinking was hard. Breathing was painful. Everything... Everything was painful. My mind whirled and hurtled into a black void. Swirling in emotion and confusion. I couldn't accept that I was at fault. I was tied up in my own thoughts. Too careless to really see what mattered, and with that carelessness came a fault. A fault in the system, in the wiring, the code, the board. My mind. I was absent in that black, black void. I was what was missing, I was gone.

And in that same way...

I was gone. I couldn't take it. I wasn't what they wanted, I wasn't how they saw I should have been. I was nothing alike their perfect version. I couldn't be that.

Reality is cruel. But in that same sense, it is an awakening. And that awakening brought me to my senses.

I wasn't perfect, maybe I never would be. But I knew that I could be.

Oh, if only they knew. If only they stopped for a second, to consider their actions. Maybe I wouldn't be laying down right now, in that black box. To think for eternity in the confines of my own thoughts.

"Reality is cruel."