Wished Away

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I had never given much thought to a life or death situation. How I would handle it and why. But to be shoved right into one wasn't what I had expected. I suppose I would have said 'I'll die for you' or something along those lines. But to be faced with it at the present, well I wasn't so sure.

I had a life. A past and future to live and to think about. To hold onto and to cherish, no matter the mistake and bump along the road. But now that I could see my life flashing in front of my very own eyes I realised I wasn't ready to go. Of course, I hadn't led the normal life and living in a harsh part of town I knew I was lucky to have escaped so many times. I just wish that good luck would have carried on, to hell with karma. But realising all this now, knowing all this, it was too late. Too late to say goodbye, to leave behind everything I knew, too late to see what my future would have held.

Rationally, I suppose my choices were catching up on me. Those times I spent trying so hard to cover the evidence had all gone to waste. And with nothing left to take the bullet for I guess it was okay. I guess I could stand leaving this all behind, the future untouched and those outcomes still hidden.

Maybe I would see them. That family I had always dreamed about, the ones I wished would still be here to dig me out of this mess. Who I could have relied on to take me away. But they were gone, just like I would be. In these small moments of joy I had held, I had learned that even I could relax and rewind a bit. Who would greave for me? Give me a funeral? That was what I feared. That not knowing of what could and would happen.

But I couldn't utter a single word, a small cry for help or a scream. No word of noise left my mouth which was just as well seeing how my last words would be wasted like that. I didn't want to scream for help or to beg them to stop and leave me alone. I had gotten what I deserved and it was about time I paid.

My surroundings were dull and poorly lit. I was standing against a wall wishing it would swallow me whole. That feeling of terror stood higher than I could see and I shut my eyes tight in desperation. I had no way to escape but I couldn't gulp down that fact. The swarming feeling overrunning me that this was it. I, myself, not being a Christian or any other religion, did not believe in an afterlife. But right then that tiny bit of hope would have been grasped up when the opportunity was
given.

I looked up and with dread felt all that hope being unhooked and tossed away. I would not have that wonderful future. Or a beautiful family, no funeral, no one to even greave. I wouldn't be missed, I was like all the rest of those people, lost and forgotten. That moment was all I needed for a small whimper to escape my dry lips. The ones dried with blood and dirt covering them. My legs felt numb and it was like I could barely stand. But I wouldn't need to for much longer. I wouldn't need this body which was broken, abused and battered. That body would be no use to me anymore. I sighed once more, willing my dry lips to move and readied myself.

The bang was all I needed to near. That sickening noise was like a funerals death bells. Signalling someone would die. It was a strange sensation that spread through my body as I fell to the ground. My body no longer what it used to be, not needed for much more. Pain and hurt soared throughout me, eating up all sense. My head hurt, alongside with my body and I watched as things started to blur as well as the obnoxious laughter of my murderers.

But then everything started to go numb and with it, my sense of vision left. That laughter left and my surroundings were peaceful in a way. I smiled quietly to myself and started to drift away from reality. The one time I let my guard down and the only time that I can remember doing so, would be my last. But this sense of a fantasy was peaceful, as though I had been missing it this whole time. For once I felt safe and secure and genuinely happy.

"Maddie! Follow me big 'sis!" A small voice chirped. As if they were waiting for me. I followed, running towards the cheerful voice. They seemed so familiar and happy like they had known me before and had been waiting. I smiled, a happy, at home smile. And I ran through the bright light and towards the voice.

"It's not far now, I can almost see it!" They yelled excitedly.

And so I followed. I followed, not stopping and never tiring. The presence around me felt so comforting and warm. Like I was receiving an invisible hug. For once it was a good kind of quiet, not that eery, haunting silence. I slowed to a steady walk and watched as the bright, blinding light left.

There standing there was my family. That perfect image I had always envisioned. A dad and mum, standing and smiling at me. The little boy who was waving and finally the little girl who was calling to me. Running up to her family and signalling for me to come over. And that's just what I did.

I was smiling, I was happy.

I was at home.