death do us part

I am that monster

"I think I'm going insane, Eren."

Eren looked up from his bowl of food, a blank look on his face as he swallowed his food before speaking. "Insane? Why is that?"

You furrowed your brows, the heel of your foot tapping impatiently under the table. "I dreamt something weird."

"Weird...as in what?"

Shaking your head you dismissed the idea. "It felt so real though. I truly thought you had..." You quiet down. Thinking back to that weird dream you had. You've been seeing Eren differently. No not that way. You see him as a bad person. A man who spoke horrible words to you, toyed you and manipulated you.

"What did we really do that night?"

He frowns letting go of his spoon, it clinks on the bowl and he looks up at you. "You told me to stop, I did. I apologized and went to bed."

"But that fight."

"What fight?"

Your eyes open and suddenly you're back to reality. The Jaegerists around you speaking to each other. You huff, taking a deep breath. You had started to daydream. Or was it daydreaming? You can't even tell anymore, you can't tell what is real and what is not real. You could've sworn you and Eren had a bad friendship.

Or was it all in your head? Trying to force yourself into believing Eren is a bad man who has done things to you so you can blame him for what you've become rather than blaming yourself. When you really think back to that day...Eren truly did apologize, he said goodnight and left. There was no argument, no dirty language used.

Because there truly is no one to blame but you. You've decided on this. You stayed.

"Hey. We need more help cleaning out the rubble, as well as helping the injured." You turned to your left to see a Jaegerist speaking to you. Yawning you stood up.

"Yeah, okay."

Many people were injured, you couldn't exactly put a number to it. And the deaths as well. You had been taking out a corpse from under a house that instantly made your stomach turn at the condition they were in. Having to order someone else to do it while you took some time to get some air, far away, and empty out your stomach.

You couldn't take his face out of your head. The way Jean had looked at you when you shot the volunteer in the head. The way the volunteer's body laid helpless in the middle. Floch's words of defense.

I can't take it.

Truly, you are going insane.

It's not too late is it? To turn back and go back to your friends. Apologizing to them in your knees while begging for forgiveness. Tears in your eyes while you tell them that you did it for them.

The thing is, it is too late.

The dreams you withhold aren't just dreams, they're nightmares. They aren't happening when you're asleep in the comfort of a cushion bed. It can happen anytime, day or night. When you shut your eyes for more than five minutes and you have a flashback , it's not from the past but from the future.

You wonder if this is normal, but yesterday killing the volunteer wasn't out of the blue. It happened in one of your dreams. You knew you'd kill that volunteer. You knew you'd do it so Jean would officially let go of you. He needs to let go.