Saudade

4 (Now)

Cecilia stood in the middle of the restaurant frozen like a deer in headlights.  She didn't know what to do with herself.  A part of her wanted to run out the door and the other part wanted to run and embrace him.  Rui opened his mouth to speak but no words came out, he put down the dishes he was carrying onto the counter.  He slowly walked up to her and pulled her in for a hug, she threw her arms around his neck.  Rui held her tight, Cecilia wasn't sure if they were hugging for one minute or one hour, time stood still.  "Hi."  Cecilia said with her voice breaking, she pulled away from the hug with tears welling up in her eyes.  

"Hi." He said with a light smile, tucking her hair behind her ear.  "How are you?" He asked trying to find something to say.  Cecilia just shook her head and looked down as tears began to fall down her face.  She thought she cried  out all her tears.  "Sorry, I didn't think I would be this emotional."  She said wiping her tears.  "That's ok, Your Bisavó just died. It's understandable."  He said trying to comfort her.  "I'm not sure it's just because of that." She said looking up at him.  He nodded knowing what she meant.  He had trouble looking her in the eye.  Cecilia wanted to tell Rui how much she missed him, how much she just wanted to be held by him and lie on the beach with him.  

"Do you want a drink?" He asked.  "Yes please." Cecilia said nodding.  Cecilia took a seat on the brown leather bar stool.  Rui stepped behind the bar and poured her a shot glass of Aguardente, a harsh Portuguese drink that translates to fire water, which it tastes like.   "I remember the last time I had this." Cecilia laughed.  "You're not going to have any." She questioned.  "I'm not allowed to drink on the job" He said handing the glass to her.  "You know how Tony is." He laughed, giving Cecilia  a rush of endorphins.  "Yeah, I can't imagine having him as a boss for that long." Cecilia said trying to keep eye contact with him.  It was like they were playing a game and whoever broke eye contact first lost.

"He's actually my partner now, I bought in 5 years ago."  He said piercing his lips and nodding.  "Oh, I didn't know that." She said awkwardly.  She was angry at her mom for not letting her know. Her mom and dad always tried to avoid the topic of Rui since it always  would lead to Cecilia breaking down in tears.  "Are you going to drink that?" Rui said pointing at the glass.  Cecilia picked up the glass and downed the drink with no problem.  You become a pro when you're single and bar hop in Toronto.  "Gosh!" She said slamming the glass down on the counter,   Rui laughed.  "Another?" He offered.  "Just one more then I'm done." She nodded.  "Alright." He said pouring another glass.  She payed attention to his hands, making sure there was no wedding ring, there wasn't.  He looked so the same but so different.  His jaw looked more defined and his arms were more veiny.  

Cecilia downed the second shot.  "I'm done now." She said with a sour face.  He laughed and put the bottle away.  "So, are you ready to answer the question now?"  Rui said making Cecilia confused. "What?" She said with a slight frown on her face.  "What question?" She added, trying not to sound rude.  "How are you?"  He said.  "I'm.. I.."  Cecilia tried to get words out.  Rui frown, he was trying to figure her out.  "I've been better."  She said nodding.  "How about you?" She smiled lightly.  

"I've been better."  He said.  "Are you here with anyone?"  He asked, confusing Cecilia once again.  "What?"  She raised her eyebrows this time.  "Like a significant other." Rui said.  Cecilia didn't know what to say.  "Like a partner."  He said trying to make his question more clear.  "I'm here by myself."  Cecilia finally said. Rui was Cecilia's only serious boyfriend, She had some dates and stupid unserious boyfriends over the years.  Nothing ever as serious as Rui.  "So, you're?"  Rui pushed.  "I'm single."  She said firmly.  Rui nodded.  "I'm single too."  Rui said.  "I never asked." Cecilia said, Instantly regretting her choice of words.  "Ok." He scoffed.  "I was just here to pick up food anyways."

Cecilia walked home quickly with the containers of food in her hands.  She wished she hadn't spoken to him like that.  It will be fine, she told herself.  Once she got to her grandparents to drop off the food, she had a well needed cup of coffee and left.  She told her family she was extremely jet legged but she could tell her mom knew she was upset.  She always used to say, "I know when you're lying filha." She drove to her hotel listening to Lana Del Rey and balling her eyes out.  

She got into her room around 5pm.  She decided to re-paint her nails, gave herself a facial and ordered room service cheesecake, 3 different kinds and ate all of them.  She turned on the TV and began flipping through the channels.  She stopped on a channel that was playing the notebook. She cried her way through it.

It was around 8pm when she cried herself to sleep.