A Court of Guilt and Passion

Chapter 1

You sat at the long table with Lucien and Tamlin for breakfast one morning several weeks after returning from Under the Mountain. As always, you made a show of eating food, but you could barely stomach it as your thoughts were lost in your latest nightmarish replaying of your tasks in your head.

"Sil?" Tamlin asked as he noticed a small haze of snow begin to fall around you. He broke you from your daydream and you swiped at the falling snow, silently willing your mind to stop to stop it from falling. "Your powers are getting out of hand," he said quietly, "you need to control them."

He was no doubt talking about the tapestry you burned down in your sleep the other night, and the small garden hedges that were covered in permafrost the other day, or the wall you clawed to hell last week. "I'm trying," you replied, equally quiet, "it only happens when I'm lost in thought."

"Or asleep," Lucien grumbled.

Tamlin hissed at him to be quiet and he obliged, "I can ask a priestess to stay at the manner and help you contain it. I have a friend there, she would be more than happy to help." Contain was his choice word - keep it concealed, don't let anyone know I have it. You knew he meant well, the seven lords that brought you back to life would not be pleased if they knew you contained a piece of their power, but you were beginning to think if you could only contain it, it would make you explode.

You shook your head, "I don't like the priestesses," you replied, "they fawn over me too much, I am sick of being thanked."

Lucien let out a breath, he knew what was coming next. Tamlin growled, but quickly calmed his voice, "you should be thanked Sil, you saved all of Prythian."

You hated it, thanked for killing people, thanked for participating in a deadly game, thanked for beating your enemy with dumb luck and swift allies, thanked for your deadly blade. It fed your guilt more than anything, forced you to relive your treachery each time.

"I killed people, Tam," you said, letting your voice make you small, "it should have been me."

This time Tamlin did not quiet his roar as the fine china behind him shattered. Lucien was next to you in an instant shielding you from the shattered pottery, but none reached you, Tamlin had immediately thrown up a shield around the table. "You killed for me!" he said once Lucien had moved out of the way. He flashed you a knowing look, one that meant to be quiet.

"I know!" you roared back ignoring his warning, ignoring the claws that slid from your fingertips and toes, "I know why I did it, I know why I had to! But being thanked for it is too much."

Tamlin's eyes softened as he came to wrap me in an embrace, not too tightly, not too familiar - just a comforting presence. He hadn't so much as kissed you since returning to the Manner, what feelings you had been flirting around before it all went to hell was never addressed - he never pushed it, but he never stopped wanting to protect you either.

You leaned into his touch for only a moment before pulling away. "I have business to attend to in the Dawn Court over the next few days," he said, choosing to ignore the previous argument, "Lucien will stay here to watch over you."

"I don't need a babysitter," you replied, whipping your anger at Lucien who held his hands up in surrender.

Tamlin waved his hand, "he's company, I'd feel better knowing you were protected by my friend."

"What are you doing in the Dawn Court?" you asked.

He halted, he knew you'd ask but he debated telling you anyway. "Rhysand's bargain is still an issue," he said, gesturing to the dark tattoo on your arm, the one you always tried to forget about, "I'm meeting an old librarian there to see if there is any power to undo it."

For a moment you were shocked, but then you carefully schooled it into relief but said nothing. Tamlin didn't catch it as he left the room, but Lucien did. He eyed you with curiosity, not suspicion and only once Tamlin was out of earshot did he speak, "you don't want out do you?"