A Court of Guilt and Passion

Chapter 4

Lucien listened intently as you described your feelings during the final task. How each dagger you swung was like a dagger in your own heart. Each fae you killed to save the rest killed you just as swiftly. How each time you gripped the dagger in your hand you contemplated plunging it into your own heart. How death by Amarantha was painful, but a fitting end.

"Sil-" he breathed.

"I know why I did it, I know that what I did saved Prythian," you cut him off, "but living with this guilt is eating me alive. Living in that manner, eating fine food, having my friends at my side, even the dammed pillows are a reminder that I am here because I killed those faeries."

Lucien didn't speak as I continued, "they had friends, they had a beautiful court, they had lives and I took it all away for Tamlin, for you, for everyone else. I made that choice, I made the killing blow. I'm Amarantha's monster."

"You're not a monster," Lucien cut in, "you had to make a hard choice, but she made you make it."

You ignored him, "and being here is just a reminder of what I did to get here."

The piece clicked, "that's why you don't want the bargain broken, you want a way to get out of here."

"Not forever," you corrected, "just a break. Maybe the cruelness of the Night Court is a fitting punishment for me. Being surrounded by pain and suffering is what I deserve."

"Don't-" Lucien said, reaching for my hand as small water droplets hung in the air, another piece of a power I didn't understand. "You don't deserve to be punished for what you did."

"Don't I?"

Lucien ran a hand through his hair, troubled, "I think you need to tell Tamlin all of this."

You shook your head, "I can't."

Lucien's metal eye studied you, waiting for your explanation. "Don't you see how happy he is? I can't take that all away. He suffered too, and he is healing, he is finding peace and happiness and I can't take it away - not after everything he has done for me."

"It's eating you alive, Sil," Lucien finally said, "I see you push your food around your plate every night. I see the replaced tapestries and canvases in your room from the nightmares that explode your senses. I hear you throw up every night and sense you sleeping on the floor. It's only a matter of time until Tam sees it too."

You looked at him in shock, you hadn't realized how closely your friend was watching you. "Only you can see it," you finally whispered, "I put a smile on my face for him."

"He loves you," Lucien echoed Rhys's words from Under the Mountain, "I know you loved him once too. But this won't end if you don't tell him. He'll see the faked smiles, he'll keep loving you, hell, he'll probably marry you for what you did down there." He paused, "but none of it matters if you can't find a way to live."

"I do love him," you added, "but who I was once, isn't who I am anymore. I'm not that innocent carefree girl from beyond the wall, but I can fake it for him, if that's what he needs - I owe him that much."

Lucien sighed, "you owe it to yourself to forgive what happened."

You said nothing, the water droplets you were still holding dropped slowly back to the river. Lucien watched you carefully as you closed your eyes and took a nap in the grass. It was peaceful - the open air, the hardness of the ground, the gentle bubbling of the stream lulled you into a dreamless sleep for the first time in many months.