Ill-Gotten Memories

24. Beckoning

Monday morning.

Johnathan had willed my body to sleep with love-making that was... sinfully indulgent—not to be crass. Last night was the most sleep I had gotten in months. Maybe years. It was also the most physically demanding of my life, but upon further reflection, that was definitely a good thing. His endurance was remarkable, and I was completely unaware of the fact that I, a middle aged woman, could go that many times. But I wasn't complaining....

His arm was tucked securely around my waist, strong and unmovable, yet protective. He held onto me as if I were his prized possession and nothing could separate us. His body was a fortress that I could now take refuge in; a shelter for my lonely heart. We were close enough that I could feel the outline of his chest and legs conforming to my backside. His warm, steady breaths fanned the nape of my neck, and each one felt better than the last. I glided my fingertips down his arm, feeling the turf of hair that grew over his light olive skin. There was silver mixed with black, glinting softly under the morning sunglow, like the long, masculine curls that adorned his head.

It was still hard for me to grasp that this man of mine had been in love with me since high school. I chuckled to myself—he fell for a fifteen year-old! Not to sound ungrateful, but that was a long time ago. My self-esteem was near irreparable back then, so it never once occurred to me that I'd had such an effect on him, one so strong he would love me until this very moment. How had he not moved on already? We weren't teenagers anymore. We were now matured adults... running out of time.

God, if I was good at anything in this world, it was baiting my insecurities. Was that ever going to end or was I just a perpetually negative person?

Still, in spite of my attempts to diffuse any bad thoughts, the implications of getting older circled my mind, all while I traced the patches of silver on his arm. It wasn't an obsession with youth, my looks, or losing his attraction. This was the middle of the road, so to speak. We had lost so much time, and I dreaded the thought of not ever having any kids of my own... with him.

Which was bizarre to even consider, because what kind of mother would I make anyway? My example of parenthood was definitely not the best. And besides that, would I even be around long enough to instill my values in them?

... Would I curse my child with the same pain that my mother had caused me?

Stupid, Barbara. Why were we going there today? I had all the reason in the world to avoid that subject altogether.

"Exactly! Feel that arm around you? He's not going anywhere. Be happy now. You've got him."

Without a doubt, I was happy with Johnathan. So happy. His love awakened a genuine completeness in my soul and I didn't feel alone anymore. But that didn't mean my struggle was over. The darkness that had loomed over my life wasn't going to stay gone for good. And I wondered if he could handle that part of me? What if he tried to comfort me, and couldn't? What if I started to relive the things Boyles did and I failed at intimacy? I couldn't lose him too.

My mind traveled back to the few times I had slept with Glen. It was rare we stayed overnight in close proximity. The morning after always resulted in an argument... even if I had sucked him off beforehand. The man always wanted more. No matter how often he got it. No matter how good it made him feel. I thought I did everything I could to make him happy but he still left me. I shouldn't have even been thinking about that jerk.

... I just didn't want to be abandoned again.

Before things went sour between us, we had talked extensively about having children in a not-so-distant future—which I knew what entailed (lots of sex). But it was more to do with our eventual marriage. We had finally set a date for the wedding back in '81. I had bought a dress, all my flowers, and an arch. I was so convinced that this was going to work that I also purchased a baby crib... as well as bonnets, pacifiers, and bibs. All the things to make us a family.