Ill-Gotten Memories

19. Barbara's First

*Content Warning:* This is a sex scene.

***

Numb. That was pretty much what I had been used to lately. There weren't any big feelings or emotions too often. Well, not like earlier at least, when I was so angry, overwhelmed and frustrated....

On a good day though, I was normally just lying in bed and staring up at the ceiling. Hollow, vacant. With a shred of consciousness, I'd let my mind wander to the darkest places, and contemplate how different my life could have been if only certain events had not occurred. I'd dream about one day having a family that loved me, having children, but then resign those thoughts to the void, realizing I was too old for that now and my time was past.

"No one was ever going to want me."

I grew more cold and indifferent every day. It was the only way to survive feeling like this—to curb the anger and depression underneath. I had thought that turning myself off to everything was helping, but maybe it was doing more harm than good? Because eventually... you find out that numb has layers.

Sometimes, it was turning the TV on and watching sitcoms, unable to laugh at any of the jokes no matter how funny they were. It was reading a headline about Russia building an atomic bomb, and not caring if they blew up the entire world. It was thinking about death constantly because you felt dead inside already.

But with Johnathan... I didn't feel numb anymore.

With hungry eyes, he slid all his wayward extremities down my bare shoulders, feeling of me and staring at my breasts. I wanted him to see. To excite him. I hadn't shown myself to any man other than Glen, and his reaction was... abysmal. But Johnathan, he couldn't keep his eyes off of me.

After one kiss, and then two, it was hard to focus on anything else, but the timing was beautiful, that much I could tell, and I promised myself that I'd never forget it.

In the background, the radio was still serenading us with tunes, and a song was playing that I knew I had heard before. A slow, bluesy song, one my mother would have liked to listen to had she been around to hear it herself. Music wasn't my forte, so I'd never thought much about it before. Never thought the words could be true... because I was numb to them. But there was a first for everything, and this was definitely a first.

"Woah, my love, my darling

I've hungered for your touch

A long, lonely time...

And time goes by so slowly

And time can do so much

Are you still mine?

I need your love...."

I could feel this song in my bones; its lyrics permeated my entire being. Because they weren't just words hanging in the air anymore. They were alive, like living instruments, as Johnathan displayed his love for me through physicality and touch. The song was about us. It was our story... and maybe that didn't make any sense. But this was where we were at; this was the state the world had left us in, and now it had to watch as two lonely hearts became one.

It was no argument that time had been thoroughly unfair to me, but this was the moment I had been waiting for, and it was finally here. God was my witness that I had spent many nights squeezing a pillow in my arms, praying for something good to happen. I didn't have all the details yet, and it may have been too soon to make an educated guess, but I believed Johnathan knocking on my door today was the answer to that prayer.