Arizium

Chapter 16

Trigger warning: Cutting/suicide

Wolf heard Resa's four paws catching up with his own two as he weaved his way through the forest and away from his home. He didn't know how long he had been running, but he knew that he was far enough so that they would have trouble finding him.

Once his breathing became ragged, he found a tree stump to sit on and ponder. How long has Phoenix had feelings for me? He thought wearily. His thoughts were swimming with confusion, so he put his head in his hands in an attempt to organize them all. Resa laid down on his feet in order to reassure him that she was there and that he wasn't alone.

Does everyone else know that she loves me? Was I the only one kept in the dark? Why has she been hiding it for so long? Does she know that I can never love her back? He found himself remembering a time in his past, before he lost his memories and was kidnapped.

~

He was sitting in a field with his best friend, talking and throwing grass at him.

"My pa is teaching me how to read." His friend said.

"Oh yeah? Maybe then you can actually do something with your life instead of being such a dolt." Wolf said jokingly. His friend had smiled at that, threw more grass, and cursed at Wolf.

"I don't see you doing anything successful with your life," He accused.

"Just wait, in a couple of years I'll overthrow the king and force you to live in the sewers." Wolf retorted.

"Oh please, you couldn't get rid of me even if you threw me off of a cliff."

"Oh yeah? What if it had rocks at the bottom?"

"I'd find a way to levitate back up and throw you off the edge instead."

Wolf grinned at that, "I do not think you'd be able to do it."

"Throw you off?"

"Yeah, you're too much of a chicken."

"Please, if I was a chicken, I wouldn't be able to do THIS." He said and tackled Wolf and pinned his arms down. Wolf immediately gained control though and rolled over to sit on top of his friend.

"You can not even pin down a weakling like me. Honestly, I don't know how you get by in life." Wolf exclaimed when he pinned his friend's arms above his head.

"To be fair I didn't expect you to suddenly resist." His friend retorted. 

Wolf smiled and felt his heartbeat increase as he got lost in his friend's brown eyes and ragged blonde hair. Wolf had always wanted to be more than friends with this charming boy, but never knew how to approach the subject. Not many people were Diifer since it was considered to be a contagious disease that altered the brain and brought about bad deeds, when in reality it was simply liking the same sex, nothing more and nothing less.

Wolf couldn't take it anymore, he had to have him. He needed someone in his life that was just like him and shared the same feelings. He leaned down and crashed their lips together, scared beyond belief about how his friend would take it.

His friend hesitated a moment, taken by surprise by the sudden change, but he kissed back weakly. Wolf got excited, his friend actually felt the same way, he wasn't alone, he could be happy now. Everything would change for the better, every fear he had was banished just because of this small act. He could face the judgements as long as he had someone else that shared the same problems. The fut-

Wolf got so lost in his thoughts and excitement, that he almost didn't realize that his friend had pushed him off of him. His friend looked bothered, confused, hurt, and annoyed. He took one last disgusted look at Wolf before turning heel and sprinting off back to the village and away from his problem.

Wolf sat on the ground, stunned into paralysis, his mind emptied itself until there was nothing left but despair. In that moment, everything around him came crashing down. His friend made it clear that he no longer wanted to be around Wolf when he ignored any attempt Wolf made at conversation.

Word spread around the village, and soon enough every kid was throwing rocks at Wolf every time he left the house, calling him "Diifer scum" and "Inhuman". There were many nights where he didn't sleep because his thoughts wouldn't allow him too, and many more where he cried himself to sleep.

His mother would comfort him when she heard him crying, hating the fact that the world was so hateful against her son and something that he couldn't change. She would tell him that everyone just didn't understand how normal it is to be a Diifer as she held him until he fell back asleep.

Day after day Wolf woke up hating himself and who he was, hating how the world fed off of his pain. There were many times whenever he was helping his mom cut up fruit or vegetables that the knife started looking friendlier than last time.

He knew that eventually he had to do it.

One sleepless night, he couldn't take it anymore. He went into the kitchen and slid the knife out of it's place on the wall, making sure to be quiet so his mother wake up. The blade gleamed from the moonlight that filtered through the window, almost as if it was calling to him. He cried silently as he lifted his pant leg, exposing the pale skin underneath, and slid the blade right above his knee. He Relished in the pain that came from it and the justice that he felt as his flesh was marred and broken. He did it again, pressing the blade down harder this time. Giggling lightly at the blood that ran down his leg. Five slashes later, his hand was red and sticky, the knife no longer gleamed silver, but instead shone with streaks of crimson. He wanted more, needed more, thirsted for the agonizing pain.

His teardrops mixed with the crimson ones on his leg. 

I should have never of revealed myself.

He brought the blade up for one last slash, one that was not on his leg, but on his wrist.

He stopped when he heard a gasp and saw his mother's terrified face illuminated by a candle.

~

Wolf sobbed as he held Resa in his arms and hated himself for being different, hated the fact that he probably hurt Phoenix. Maybe she'll understand if I tell her I'm a Diifer?

He sighed and buried his face into Resa's neck to try and stop the feelings of loneliness and existentialism that wafted through him. He knew he had to go back and face Phoenix and tell her the reason of his departure, but not yet.

 Just one day, then I'll go back he told himself.

(A/N: I'M SO SORRY)