The world we knew (over and over)

2

Groggy, exhausted, and anxious yet again. The plan was set, but my head wouldn't stop pounding with questions. It never stopped. When I woke up, Junko was gone; even though the room still smelled like her raspberry perfume. When did I fall asleep? When did she leave? I couldn't remember much between the screaming thoughts ringing with more intensity as the night went on and the tiny bits of sleep I managed. All that overthinking led to nothing. No new leads or solutions on the details of her oh so glorious plan. Ugh. Give me a break.

Now that I was awake, I took a chance to look at them - my shoulders. I didn't know why I went out of my way to do this whenever these things happened. Maybe to prove something to myself. I knew marks would show up. With the way she was grabbing me, it'd be surprising if I didn't bleed. Of course, purple bruises perfectly marked where her claws were in her meltdown. They weren't as bad as I thought they'd be, the blood was trapped in the skin instead of a scab. That didn't make it any better. God, I couldn't do this anymore. When a guy hits his girlfriend, she's told to get out and find somewhere safe. Why would it be any different with the roles reversed? I needed to get stronger. I needed to stop letting her get to me. Ugh, I told myself that everytime, who was I kidding? I always had this dumbass fight with myself.

In the anxiety of overthinking instead of sleeping, I actually came up with something. I should've realized it sooner. This would be the ultimate test to see if she really did love me or if it was all a dumb game. For years now, I've been teetering between the options. She would throw fits, play with my emotions, purposely embarrass me, and physically hurt me when things got 'bad enough'. Junko was, and probably always will be, a terrible person. I knew that. Anyone who knew her well enough and had a functioning brain could figure that one out. Then in the same breath, she would say the sweetest things and understand me better than anyone else. She'd always comfort me after the damage had been done. It was incredibly exhausting. Everything about her was a twisted game with no winning. I should hate her after everything she did to me after so long, but I couldn't. I knew her problem was the only reason she did any of that. A constant dilemma of being either extremely bored or extremely violent. I understood as much as an outsider could. Maybe that's why I couldn't force myself to leave her. I understood her too much, or was it just the fear of being completely and utterly alone?

Without her, I have nobody. All of the 'friends' I had were connected to her. She was the only one there for me. No mom, no dad, no siblings, and no real friends. The only one I had was in hiding now. Everything was connected to her. With this absolutely insane plan, I had to take some positives with it or I'd lose my mind. This would be the best way to tell if she really meant it when she said she would 'always remember' me and all that gross affectionate shit she'd make me think about repeatedly. How could she possibly know that? If after all this, she doesn't remember me or 'how I make her feel', then I could leave. Prove to myself I didn't need anyone. She abandoned me half the time anyway, I should be used to being alone. Yeah, when she became this new girl who had no clue who I was, I'd explain the details of who she is then watch her from afar as ONLY a doctor - no romance required. No point in letting her get close again. Who knew when she'd snap back to her evil ways. She might start a new life with new friends and I could finally move on. I wouldn't have to find breadcrumbs of genuine affection or something real in this world full of her.

Last night before we at least attempted to sleep, she told me she'd spend all morning getting ready before meeting me in the science building. If anyone asked, I was to say I haven't seen Junko today or last night. That I planned to interrogate her yesterday, then couldn't find her. Surprisingly enough, no one asked. The Steering Committee typically didn't bother me on Saturdays. Even after the world ended, they tried to maintain a schedule. Everyone did. Denial, I guess. I wasn't any better. I tried to go along with a schedule too, although it was only to pretend I wasn't going absolutely crazy in here. Oh, it was absolutely wonderful to drag myself out of bed early to sit in the science building and overthink everything all over again. Ugh, I had to shut these stupid thoughts up. They already stopped me from sleeping much, I couldn't have it ruin my manga time. Yeah, maybe that would calm the nerves. What was I even worked up for? This could be my chance to break the cycle, I just needed to shut up and wait. Opening the final bit of a volume I already read before, I chose to overanalyze the story and art since my scrambled brain wanted to work in overdrive so desperately.