The world we knew (over and over)

5

For once in my life, I woke up without hating myself for barely getting any sleep. No alarms and somehow no nightmares. Only a peaceful sleep I never thought I was capable of. It was like a miracle within itself. Despite feeling awake, I didn't want to open my eyes. If I kept them shut, I could keep pretending. I wouldn't have to face the world just yet. Besides, I still could feel her laying on me. How familiar. As the minutes passed, she would squirm then hug me tighter - almost like she was also not wanting to face the world, and it only added to me not wanting to get up. I didn't want to know how long we laid there, asleep or not. I just wanted to stay there forever... Then, of course, she did what I thought we nonverbally agreed not to: She woke up. The silence and movements pointed to her looking around the room. Again. "Huh? Where am I?" She asked like she never saw my dorm before. Ugh, great.

"Go back to sleep." I muttered without opening my eyes. I didn't want to look at her and get reminded it was Otonashi, despite the different and more delicate voice. Her voice has been softer than her real self since the beginning. One more thing I hated. Add it to the list. "Oh, okay...! Wait, did we really hook u-" Now THAT got me to wake up. Sitting up quickly, I had to shut the idea down immediately. I couldn't have that going around in her head, whether she remembered it or not. So much for pretending. "NO! No, you had a nightmare last night." My over the top flailing to her accusation didn't seem strange to her at all. Otonashi, instead, smiled sweetly with her hands clasped together. "Aww, so you comforted me? I knew Matsuda was a sweetheart deep down!" Her swaying motions seemed almost like something Junko would do. The overly happy sparkle in her eye was the only difference. Something I would often wish Junko had while being affectionate with me. Ironic, isn't it? "Uh, sure, whatever." I banked on the idea of her forgetting this. It shouldn't matter within a few minutes of her leaving. Nothing would. Everything about last night and this morning wouldn't be remembered, much less questioned.

"...You're over your stupid nightmare now. Get out."

"B-but Matsuda you said to go back to sleep!"

"Oh, that's just fantastic. You can remember that, but not where you are?"

Was Otonashi's memory getting better? That couldn't be. Shouldn't be! I'd have to give her another treatment soon. Although I desperately wanted to let her become her true self again, I knew I couldn't. That would be the dumbest thing I could do at this stage. She was safe like this. As punishing and depressing as it was, I had to handle it. There was no other choice. "Um, yeah, I guess. Isn't that good?" She smiled in a way that showed how she yearned for my approval. Like she lost pet. ...Gross. Why did that make this worse? "...Yeah. Whatever. Either get out or let me get more sleep." I rolled away from her. It was easier to look away than face reality. "You can sleep if I cuddle you, right?"

Oh god. I couldn't do that again. This slip up of cuddling her was bad enough. I really was a sick bastard, huh? It was like cheating in a way. Also just plain immoral. It wasn't right to do anything with her. She was barely a person at all. Why did I let myself do that? Was I seriously debating on settling for this cheap imitation? Tch. How weak of me. "No. You should leave." I stated as flatly as I could. No room for misinterpretion. "I'll be quiet..." She pouted her words out. Still on the bed and staring at me, she would be more difficult to push away than I thought. "You? Quiet? What other miracles are you promising?" In response to that, she had a strategy. Whispering.

"Shhh. Look. I'm quiet."

"You're still talking."

Determined to get on my good side, she stayed quiet. I wouldn't let her win in this form. Even I wasn't THAT pathetic. "I'm serious, Otonashi. Go." After a few seconds of silence, she finally left. I couldn't have this become a cycle. I had to keep her at a distance. Far enough away that she couldn't affect me yet close enough that I could keep tabs. My loneliness shouldn't make me crack under the pressure. Could a life with her be anything close to things with Junko? No! Absolutely not. What a joke to consider something so dumb. She couldn't remember anything. She's nothing. I should've kicked her out last night as soon as she showed up so I wouldn't be thinking about these stupid hypotheticals. I had to push her away! Be meaner, make it clear I wasn't interested in her or her pathetic ideas of romance. That was the only way to protect me from acting this stupid again. At least she'd forget this by tomorrow, if not sooner.

I told myself this would be my opportunity to move on from Junko. The cycle of her behavior couldn't continue if she was gone. Yet, I couldn't help from missing her. Last night made it worse. Was it my fault I missed Junko? The only person who understood me. The only person who's been there for me. No. That was to be expected. Was it my fault for pushing her away and thinking I could move on? Definitely. Why did I think I could find anyone better than her? I should've known better. Any sort of artificial sweetness wasn't worth it. Otonashi could never understand me. Junko's cruelty was a price worth paying. Even if Otonashi could get the most complex parts about me, she wouldn't remember. Just like she wanted, right? I just hope it won't be long before I can see the love of my life again.