For Shits and Giggles [2024]

Chapter 21

"My Feliqs,

We bought a business. Remember that pizzeria down by Fulton, the mom and pop one we all used to go to in college? It shut down a couple months ago. The guy who owned it gave us a great deal. Something about his wife dying and him moving away. Paola really haggled him, it was great. We're turning it into a Café, Paola and I. And Fior too. She's an amazing baker, and really has gotten a lot better. She makes these incredible honey lavender cupcakes. I know, sounds like a weird combo. But they're great. She agreed to be our new head pastry chef. Or rather... our only pastry chef. Honey Lavendar Cupcakes will be the house special.

Anyway, I'm sure Fior's already written and told you all about it. I'm beating around the bush because what I'm about to say is very hard for me to write.

Before you left I told you it was just sex. And that was the truth. Honest. I only wanted sex from you (and duh your friendship of course).

But how long has it been now since you first left, over a year right? And we're still writing each other? That's not sex, that's more than sex. I'm not saying I'm in love with you or anything. I'm not. But, more and more I catch myself waiting for your letters... excited to hear from you, to make sure you're safe and eating okay, and missing you. And it's not just in a friendly way. I get annoyed when Fior talks about the letters you write her, because I already know everything she's going to say. You've already written me the same letter. You've written me better, more detailed letters. But I can't tell her that.

That's the thing... you belong to Fior.

When I think of you coming back, it's not me whose arms you will come back to. It's not me who will wait at the airport with flowers and a sign and a taxi to take us home. I will be the friend who attends your "welcome home" party, awkwardly waiting to give you a hug and a generic gift. Maybe it will be a bottle of wine, that's a standard, casual gift. It won't be that cheap Cabernet stuff you like though, because I know how hot that stuff gets you, and I really shouldn't know that. Only Fior should know those intimate things about you.

That's all to say... this will be my last letter to you. I can't afford to fall in love with you. I've already betrayed my best friend in the worst way possible. I want to say that it's for her that I'm finally ending things, but I think it's too late for that. If I really care about her the way I've convinced myself that I do... I would tell her about us. I would break her heart, but ultimately give her the choice to continue being my friend, to continue your marriage, or to throw us both away like the garbage we are.

But listen, don't clutch your pearls. I'm not actually going to tell her. I won't do that to us... blow up your life, hers, mine, this new business thing with Paola. In fact, this is the last favor I'm ever going to ask you. Take our secret to your grave. Burn my letters, and I'll burn yours.

There's this guy, Camilo. Do you remember him, from class? He was quiet, kinda shy? Sat behind us? He's liked me for a while... I don't have feelings for him, like at all. I invited him to my dorm once our sophomore year and laughed when he confessed. I thought he was joking! He wasn't. Either way... it's something I'm thinking about. Things with Santiago haven't gone anywhere and I need someone to get you out of my mind. Camilo seems sweet enough, I guess.

And finally, please be safe. You need to come back to Fior. She's miserable without you. I know you are feeling hopeless out there, and I'm sure this letter won't help, but you have people who love you. Don't give up.

God hasn't forgiven our sins yet, I don't think He ever will. So you better stay alive. What's waiting for us on the other side... it can't be pretty.

Gracie"

True to her word, that was the last letter Felix ever received from Gracie. He never bothered to respond, not that he could anyway. It was already hard receiving packages or mail overseas, especially now that each mission his squad was assigned to got riskier and more covert.

He didn't remember how long ago this letter from Gracie came in... had it been weeks, months? The date scribbled at the top had smudged long ago. He stared at the paper, ripped and tattered, it was barely in one piece. He'd received so many letters from Fior, dozens of them, but it was this letter from Gracie that he held onto.

When he first read the letter, he was the angriest he had ever been. Why was she confessing now? Over a year ago he'd asked her how she felt about him— if she'd been honest then, he wouldn't be here now, miserable and fighting to stay alive. He would have stayed, for her. More importantly, he wouldn't have married Fior. He wanted to rip the letter to shreds.

But, he needed those words: We are garbage. Stay alive.

Fior was sweet and hopeful with her letters. But he didn't need sweetness and compassion and hope, he didn't deserve that. He didn't deserve Fior. He needed the fear of God to keep him alive. Gracie knew that. He hung his head down and sighed.

"Hey brother man, we're almost there," it was his bunkmate again. He wrapped an arm around Felix and shook him back to life. "Things are looking good, tell your lady you'll be home by supper. I guarantee it."

They both laughed. He couldn't wait to see Gracie again.

Fior, he meant. He couldn't wait to see Fior.

The mission wasn't over yet, but Private Russel was right. Things were looking good— it wouldn't be long before he was eating one of his wife's delicious homemade cakes, baked with goodness and love.

That very next week Felix was on a plane back home, alive and well (mostly). Unfortunately, Private Russel was not at his side.

Yes, the mission was finally complete. If only there were other survivors to tell the story.