Hate You

Prologue~

Playing  "Hard Out Here." by Raye

No one knows where life will take them. The fun of the moment blinded me as I began to fail at caring about the next day. The pain of each waking moment, numbed by something I never thought I would create a bond with. A new friend, yet a new foe.

July 30th

I  sat in a room filled with people of different shapes, sizes and colors. This building already gave me the worst anxiety, a box shaped brick building with a tiny roof on it. I was told the building was suppose to give a happy satire to its visitors, its job is to glow in the light if someone, like me, was walking on their last string of hope and needed help. But brownish red brick with the dark grey roofing gave me nothing but dread. The room felt even more dreadful, as the lights were always dim around this time to give calmness and security to its people. With barely any pictures on the wall and a couple small windows, I felt trapped inside. No amount of daydreaming to keep me from the reality I had already been in. One by one they followed in a somewhat formed line to sit in the wooden school chairs, all finding their familiar spots. Their faces blurred by and the sounds of chatter filled the room, I looked down at my frail hands and tried my deep breathing exercises. Until one of the shadows stopped in front of me, I looked up quickly to the sound of their excited voice.

"Oh my, you came earlier than anyone who has ever joined this program before! Welcome, my name is Serrah Redd and it's a pleasure for you to join us!" She extended her hand towards me gracefully. Cautiously I extended mines, no need for me to be rude here regardless of this setting.

"Nice to meet you..." I felt accomplished for not stuttering on my words, as I gave a soft smile and pushed my hair behind my ear.

She retracted her hand back to the back pocket of her jeans, moving her cardigan to the side a bit. She dressed like majority of the school consulars that I  met in my time from school, her first impression said it too... "We'll be starting soon dear, I know its your first time but don't be shy. Everyone in this room has a story, this is a safe space where we can talk about it together as a family."

"Yeah... I'll try."

"And that's all you can do hun." She checked her tiny wrist watch and a big smile appeared on her face. "Oh look at that it's time to start our meeting!" She walked with a pep in her step to her seat that wasn't far from mines. I counted the seats as she walked, only 5 seats away from the left. In my mind I played it out to be like the movies, me in the center of the circle similar to being put on the biggest stage with the loudest speakers.

"Hello everyone! Thank you for joining us tonight, I hope everyone is well and enjoyed their weekend. Today I would like to introduce a new member of our group!"

Fuck. Please I don't want to go first. I saw her head turn to make eye contact with me, her deep brown eyes sparkling a bit in the soft lighting along with her curly ginger hair. "Saeroyi, would you like to introduce yourself?" Guess I have no choice.

"Um... H- hi... I'm Saeroyi, I'm 18. I graduated Elemental High and plan to attend Autumn University." Twiddling my thumbs in circles, I tried to configure more to say about myself but couldn't, except for the thing I'm actually here for. My eyes darted around the room to look into different eyes for a reaction, yet no one moved a muscle nor made an expression. Then I hear the famous united line; "Hi Saeroyi!" With Serrah mouthing the words along to orchestrate the group as a whole.

"Amazing, welcome Saeroyi. I would like to have the rest of us introduce ourselves as well to make her feel a bit more comfortable!"

First Serrah starts; "Well you already know my name now but, I'm Serrah, 36, and I'm a business owner and founder of the "Life Over Pills" organization. I'm currently on my 10th year of recovery." As she finished the next person started, then the next. All of them were 5 plus years into recovery, and I was only two days in. I  made a deal with myself to stay sober this weekend for the sake of my dad's wishes.

As the last person finishes, it landed right back on me. "Okay great! Thank you guys for that. Now, Saeroyi we would love to hear some of your story. Again this is a safe place and anything you don't want to share is completely fine with us." I sat there for a bit pondering, self conscious on even explaining how a 18 year old who was a great student got hooked on pills. "Ummm... how about starting with how you found us?" She suggested, I was grateful for her effort and tried to think my way through this faster than I usually would. 

"Well... my father... umm." Why was it so hard to speak? "My father found this group on Facebook when he found out that I'd been using." I  had only used for an estimate of three months, the memories were a blur for me to remember.

One member spoke up from across the circle, "My husband did the same, at the time he was my boyfriend but nonetheless. He found out that I was using heavy and caught me high out of my mind. Was the last day I ever used a pill... he was so heart broken."

I related just for a moment, the look on my father's face when he showed me an empty pill bottle the last weekend I  visited. I  left it on his island counter, popping one before heading off to do whatever I  had planned for that moment. Sometimes I  make stupid decisions and pray they don't come to bite me in the ass, or I  truly just didn't care. Not even twenty minutes later he called for me across his condo. "Saeroyi, what is this pill bottle you have? Why are there designs engraved on them?" no no no no no- "Pirates Treasure?"  I'm such a fucking idiot, how could I  be so careless?  "Sae..." 

I  came back into the living room slowly, sizing my father's energy to see if I should start shouting lies and excuses, or let him speak first. He didn't scare me like my mother did, but it was enough to know that I  was in deep trouble if I  didn't figure out an explanation quick. I sat on his soft but firm couch, unable to feel the floor beneath me. "F-father I'm sorry..."

"Sae... who got you onto this stuff? Was it your boyfriend? Friends?" His dark brown eyebrows scrunched with concern and disappointment, squeezing the bottle so hard I thought it would pop open. His hair was in a ponytail this day, exposing the surface of his forehead and the vain that would pop out when there was tension.

"I can't say..." I could barely look at him, my eyes darted around the room looking for things to break the thick tension that laced the room.

"So it was her..." The her he's referring to was my mother, the head pill popper of my immediate family. She'd been an addict since the divorce papers were settle between them. I tried to get her to be sober a couple times, but it resulted in so much pain that I took interest in why she used them to cope. One pill led to a night with a bottle of Don Julio with puffy eyes and a smile across my face. To now sitting in my father's living room with one pill dissolving under my tongue. My anxious hands dug into the couch as the sweet coating of the pill gave me the calming flavor.

"No- no dad it was a friend I swear! Mom isn't using..." I lied, as the images of what would happen if I told the truth came flashing in mind.

"We're finding you someone to help you."

And there I was, my father was very good at executing exactly what he said he would do every single time. He found "Life Over Pills" in less than a week, and the next time I  returned to his home it was all he reminded me of. The embarrassment ate me alive when texting my friends about my "weekend at dad's," for once someone cared to know what I was doing.

I continued, "Well..." every time I thought about my shitty life, my stomach turned. I laid my hand across my abdomen wanting to punch it for choosing the worst time to make me feel like I could fill the floor with vomit. Serrah finally spoke after a couple seconds of my silence. "Saeroyi tonight you can watch the group until you are ready to speak. Jerold would you like to share something with us?" I thanked her in my mind, as I find comfort in my silence. I wanted to listen to the others but I disconnected from the moment and began to tread the memories of my past to how I even got here.

The memories poured into me faster than shots of tequila hitting my taste buds, the message that would start the journey of addiction.

May 25th

New Message💌

2:43a duane_the_main: hey sae, up for a party tonight?

(thanks for reading! <3)