A Red Lighter

Caleb: The Coffin of a Man Who Tortured Me

I watched as Connor left my room; even though he promised to not let the social workers take me I didn't believe him. I wanted to, I wanted to so, so bad but I knew that where I ended up wasn't in his hands. And as soon as the blonde haired social worker entered my room I knew deep down that I wasn't going to go live with Connor.

As she got closer to me I started to panic everything I've ever hated about myself or other people started to rise to the surface. And when she extended her hand I snapped, pushing a little too forcefully at her arm and jumping off the bed. My ribs jarred and I really hated the way it felt but all that had to be pushed back, I needed to get out of here.

I was stopped at the door by two body guard looking men. Of course they thought I was going to freak out, to try and run away. How many other kids had tried to do the same thing as me? It would've been easier to just accept my fate and go with them but I didn't want to. My whole life I was told to sit down shut up and deal with it. Not to say a word or protest but apparently that chapter of my life was over right?

So I screamed, for someone, anyone to help me kicking at the bodyguards shins, causing them to curse silently but move out of the way. I booked it down the hall of the hospital only to run into another guard, this one was quick to grab me trying his best to not put pressure on my ribs. He wasn't doing a very good job but he was trying which was more than most would do.

I fought against his arms, telling him to let me go, that I'd just disappear, that no one cares about me anyways. He just shook his head trying to get me to calm down, telling me that it'd get better. But they were liars, everyone was a liar, I was so sick and tired of being told that it would all be okay.

"LET GO OF ME" I finally started to start screaming at the top of my lungs as the blonde social worker joined us "DON'T TOUCH ME" I wanted to be put down because I didn't really notice until we were moving that my feet weren't touching the floor, I struggled against the body guard, making weird half wheezing half grunting noises. I happened to look up in the midst of my struggling to see Connor and I don't know why but I screamed at him. Called him names, because, because he promised.

Once I got to the Newberry's house I realized that they weren't that bad. The house was huge and Olivia Newberry showed me to my room. It didn't take me long to realize that Connor only lived two houses away from the Newberry's. Connor was over more often than not and I enjoyed his company. I wanted to be mad at Connor, I wanted to hate him and tell him to fuck off. But I couldn't I knew that none of this was his fault and I couldn't hate him for what other people did to me.

I couldn't help but not trust Jake Newberry and I know it's unfair, Jake is a good guy. He cared about me, tried to make me feel at home but I just couldn't help it. I would flinch whenever he tried to touch me or say my name and I'd cower away from him. Acting scared and afraid was the only way I knew how to protect myself.

Jake knocked on my bedroom door asking if he could come in. I nodded but instantly felt stupid, the door was closed he couldn't see me.

"Sure" my voice was small and I cringed as the hinges of the door squeaked ever so slightly, I knew that Jake wasn't my dad but I still found myself walking on eggshells around him

"Caleb" his voice was filled with concerned "We need to talk about your father's funeral"

"OHH" I whispered fiddling with the hem of my shirt "I... I want to go to that"

"Yeah"

"Umm...I-I mean...y-you know...i-if t-that's okay w-with, Uhh...w-with you" I tried my best not to flinch when he put his hand on my shoulder but I know that I failed by the way he retracted his hand

"Of course it's fine with us" Jake said standing from my bed "Dinner will be ready in a few minutes Caleb"

"Umm" I said standing in the corner of my room, keeping my eyes averted to the floor "C-can I speak a-at the funeral," Jake flashed me a sad smile

"Of course you can buddy"

I sat in the back of the Newberry's car staring at the church, this was it. The second funeral I've ever been too and how fitting it is that the first one I was burying my other parent. I watched as Jake and Olivia walked through the doors of the church but as I made it to the door. My feet just stopped working and I didn't know what was wrong. But the memory of mom's funeral came flooding back in.

"Why the fuck are you crying" dad whispered harshly into my ear

"Because mommy is gone" I said trying to convince dad to pick me up but he wouldn't

"Well it's all your fault" he kind of pushed me away

Grandma walked up to me and lifted my small frame off the ground; she rocked me back and forth. Telling me dad was just sad but he'd go back to normal, she was so wrong, so, so wrong.

"Caleb" Olivia's voice pulled me out of my thoughts "are you okay... we don't have to be here"

I shook my head in denial and walked into the church, taking refuge in the first pew, the eulogy held tight in my hand. Dads coffin was in the middle of the aisle leading up to the altar and I couldn't bear to look at it. Expecting dad to pop out and ridicule me for believing I was free from the living hell that was my life. I didn't look up from my hands as Connor and his family entered the church.

I excepted Connor to sit next to me but still as he did I couldn't help but smile. It probably looked forced but everything I did looked forced. I knew that Connor was going to be here, I asked him if he'd come.

The service was nice but I wasn't ready to read the little paragraph or two that I wrote. I could barely speak how the fuck was I supposed to read this. These were my feelings towards a man that made my life a living hell. A man that tortured me and then just before he died told me that he'd never love me. I slowly walked up to the podium my hands sweaty and crushed around the piece of paper that held everything I've ever felt towards my father.

"I-I" slowly I breathed in "My father, was a-a horrible person, h-he treated me like shit and the only thing I wanted, All I wanted was to be loved and even though I took a bullet for him" tears ran down my face "I literally got shot in hopes that maybe he'd finally love me, and- and you know what he told me... that he felt special, and that I was nothing but a toy"