A Red Lighter

Caleb: The Route 70 Overpass

I watched as they filled the hole up, my dad and his coffin slowly being crushed with dirt. I wanted to sit here forever and just stare at the patch of dirt that hide my dad and all his hatred and disgust to me.

On the ride home my dad's word kept playing through my mind, maybe he was right. Maybe I am just a play toy....NO, god dammit brain pick a damn side. I hated flipping back and forth from this is all my fault to dad was an abusive asshole. And half the battle was deciding which one was right and which one I'd listen to.

I sat in my bedroom, listening to the war that was waging in my mind, pulling me in every which way. I tried to sleep but dads face kept clouding my vision telling me how worthless I was. I just wanted it all to be over, the feeling that someone's hands were running up and down my body, the sleepless nights due to nightmares. Just this feeling of self worthlessness, dad was right, maybe he wasn't but that was the side of my brain I decided to listen to. Dad was right I was worthless and dirty and used. I was a cheap two-bit whore that was going to die in the back of an alley. There was no point in sitting here with people who pretended to care.

I jumped out of my bedroom window; I knew exactly where I was going, the Route 70 overpass. My legs burned by the time I got there and as I pulled myself over the railing I couldn't help but look down. My breath caught in my throat, what the hell was I thinking this was so incredibly stupid. I held my breath for a little longer, I could hear dads voice in my head

"Jump you worthless piece of shit come join me in hell" but there was a different voice one I haven't heard in a long time

"I'm sorry" her voice was sweet "please don't do it honey...It's not your time, don't make the same mistake I did"

"Mom?" I opened my eyes but there was no bright light or familiar face what there was, was the cold dense April evening. The sun was long set and as I let out a breath of air it puffed in front of my face.

I crawled back over the railing and as soon as my feet hit the pavement I felt a little heaviness in my pocket. I quickly fished it out and a red lighter sat heavy in my hands, its colour brighter against the pale contrast of my skin. I gripped it tight in my hand and pressed my back against a tree, this was my only hope a tiny lighter, with a tiny amount of lighter fluid and it was my saving grace. Maybe because it showed someone care and that's all I wanted right? I just wanted someone to care, literally anyone, to just prove my dad wrong, to show myself that I could be loved. I needed to know that someone cared and the little 99 cent red lighter seemed to be doing that for me.

Where did everything go so wrong, when did my life start to fall head over heels down the hill of disaster.

I just wanted everything to go back to normal, when I thought I was worth nothing and was just told what to do and how to feel. When I didn't think anyone cared, when I hated myself but loved my father. It sucked but at least it was routine, I knew what to do and how to do it without stepping on anyone toes.

It was like my entire life I lived on boat but never learned how to swim, hoping that the boat would never tip. Of course it tipped and now I was stuck in the middle of the ocean with nothing to do but drown.

Slowly I carded my fingers my hair, tears fighting their way to the ground once more. I fucking hated crying for no reason at all. Maybe I should've just jumped and waited for the earth to swallow me whole. My God I was useless I came out here to end the shipwreck that was my life and I couldn't even do that right. My shoulders started to start shaking as I put my head in my knees and allowed the floodgates to open.