Love, Beca

10 - Life Is A Rollercoaster

FROM: fromtheyellowcup@gmail.com
TO: blueandblackrain@gmail.com
SUBJECT: Re: I think I'm ready

I completely understand how you feel. Sometimes it feels like I'm completely by myself in this world, and I think that's the scariest feeling. I don't want to be alone anymore.

Hearing the way you talk about yourself makes me sad. I hate the thought of you being a shell of yourself, and trying to force yourself to be someone else, but I understand how it feels, because I've been there too. I know how lonely it is.

As corny as it sounds, life really is like a roller coaster, there are bumps and twists, ups and downs, and it can be scary, but it's such a thrilling adventure. And then when you're at the top, waiting for the big drop, feeling more alive then ever, the adrenaline that rushes through your body as you ride out that wave. That's the high I'm chasing.

We still have so much more time to find happiness, and to find ourselves along the way. So even if you don't feel like you've got everything figured out now, you will eventually.

Although I can never really be 100% my authentic self around others, I've always thought that no matter who I was with, I was still able to be me, but I never realised how freeing it was to be myself one-hundred-percent. I don't need to hide parts of me with you, and I don't want to. I can be that person with you, and now that I know I can have that, I don't ever want to look back.

Did you do it yet? If so, how did it go? I'm rooting for you!!

Love, Red.

—

Beca perched on the edge of her bed as she read the email, her fingers combed through her hair in attempt to rid herself of her bedhead. She had tossed and turned for hours in her bed last night, unable to sleep as her mind filled with hypothetical coming out conversations, each of which had multiple different endings.

At first it was just Beca trying to figure out how to put her thoughts into words, ever since she'd sent the email to Red where she mentioned that she was going to come out to Emily, she couldn't stop racking her brain for the right words. She wanted to truly be able to express how she felt, and not muddle her words up in the process.

She wanted Emily to understand how she was feeling, but for that to happen, Beca had to open up, use her words, and that was never something she was particularly good at.

As the night drifted on, so did her thoughts. She dived deep into a hypothetical coming out - she had expressed herself to Emily, but instead of joy or pride, her face screamed in disgust, and the thought of Emily being disgusted by her to the point of leaving her, made her question if she actually should tell her, because then she considered the possibility of her friends leaving her too. She couldn't be alone again.

But Emily wasn't like that, that was the one thing that Beca knew for sure. Even if Emily didn't understand, or needed a while to get used to it, she wouldn't ever hate her for being gay. Beca was almost certain that Emily's views on her wouldn't change, that she'd love and accept her all the same, but that still didn't stop the doubt from gnawing at her mind.

Another thought that spiralled in her mind throughout the night was that she would get accused of looking at other girls in the locker room just because she was gay, not that Beca actually went to gym class, but the thought was still bothering her. She had seen it happen before - Cynthia Rose only started to get changed in a cubical so that no one could accuse her of wandering eyes.

Beca was also afraid that even if she did come out, she would still have to hide so she wouldn't make anyone else uncomfortable, but the thought of dulling herself down for the sake of other people made her realise that if she did nothing, then that was how it was going to be for the rest of her life. Some things would never change, she was always going to be gay, so she could hide from it, or she could just not care what anyone else thought about her, because she was done with analysing her outfits every morning to make sure she didn't look too gay, she had had enough of the 'Do you have a boyfriend yet?' questions from family members, and she sure enough didn't want to limit herself to flirting through emails for the rest of her life. She wanted a chance at falling in love, which was something that Beca never thought she'd admit. She had always been very closed off about her love life and romantic feelings, she was happy by herself, at least that's what she thought. A year ago she would have claimed that she was incapable of forming a romantic relationship with anyone and that she was unlovable. Most days that was still how Beca felt. She needed a chance to prove to herself that she was just as capable and worthy of love as anyone else.