Eyes on you

28 | Buried feelings

~~~~~~~~~~Sandhya~~~~~~~~~~

From the day after our patch up, things got back to normal. Still there was some unknown distance that prevailed between us.

Deva talks normally with me not a formal one but the usual talks just like how we had earlier.

We spent time going out, watching movies whenever we had time. But.. he would not make any move on me at night. The spark that we had in our physical relationship was not there.

I too did not start nor think about anything physical or touchy after our patch up. It would be little difficult and awkward to start acting more touchy which I understand.

But as the days went by, I expected the same kind of vibe in us which is now lacking. I decided to initiate and made few moves.

He did not object nor accept it. He just smiled and left it as it is. After the fight its been totally 1 month , since we have shared a kiss. Not even a cheek or forehead kiss for that matter.

I don't want to sound so desperate for him and curbed my feelings. But then one day I was not able to control myself and my horny hormones.

I tried to make the move first. I started with kissing him on his cheeks lying on top of him. But he carefully pushed me aside.

"Why Deva?" I asked with disappointment

"hmm. let's wait Sandhya."

"Deva.. are you still having the fight in your mind?"

"nothing like that Sandhya.. I am just not in the mood for it"

I did not disturb him further. Days went by. I tried to make move on him but he politely denied stating some or the other reason.

"don't you like me Deva? why don't you even kiss me?" I was at the verge of crying.

"nothing like that...don't overthink"

"say the truth Deva. You don't like me right? accept it." I demanded.

Heaving a sigh, he hugged me and ran his hands on my back to pacify me.

"I will kiss you hereafter. Don't think too much. why do you create it as a big issue?" he said and gave a small peck on my cheeks.

"Now don't cry. go sleep. I need to go early to office tomorrow"

Days went by. Only when asked Deva would kiss me .That too a small peck on my cheeks . Even if I go demand him, he would not kiss me on my lips.

I am the one who would always start with touching him. I am the one who would initiate cuddling. He remained distant.

After a long thought , after so many days, I understood that he is still not over about my words. My earlier words to him ringed in my ears.

do you always have that thought in your mind? don't touch me unnecessarily.

The thought that you ate it and you now kissing me , kind of make me feel disgusted. I said and rubbed my lips.

He took those words seriously. That is the reason, he did not kiss me nor make any moves on me.

Days went by. I too remained distant physically from him. One day, how much ever I tried to keep my distance, I was not able to control myself and tried to make a move on him shamelessly.

I decided to stop this all silent hide and seek and decided to finalize on this matter.

But he strictly objected to it .

"lets wait for few more months. what's the hurry? I have other priorities" came his reply.

"but you said we can enjoy for 2 months and then plan for it. Its been totally 4 months since we both are married"

"I agree. but try to understand Sandhya. don't force me. I am not in the mood for it"

I felt disheartened at his words. A month later, Deva joined a new company. Within a month of joining new company, he even bought a car taking loan.

Days and months flew fast beautifully for everyone, not so beautiful for us. It was seemandham for Anjana. She was 7 months pregnant.

Neeraja was 5 months pregnant. All the relatives started questioning me about when I would share the good news.

My parents were always there asking me about it right from the 2nd month of our marriage. But those times, we had a plan and so I dodged them easily.

But now , it was very difficult for me whenever they ask that question. I give away a smile as an answer.

My mom even went to the extent of taking me for a checkup to see if I have got any problems.

It was a difficult day for me to make her stop and finally I lied to her. I lied stating we are planning to have it after an year.

"Even Vicky who got married later to you has got his wife pregnant. Why do you guys delay it still? Share us the good news soon" Deva's mom advised me once.

Though I did not say anything about this to Deva, he understood my thoughts.

"all the elders will have the same dialogue at each stage Sandhya. First they would force you asking when you would marry? after marriage, when is the child? after first child, when is the second child? then they would start poking nose in to the studies and job of our children. People would keep on ask something or the other like these. Just ignore their words" he convinced me.

Days flew fast. Deva purchased a land for construction and procured a loan. He denied joining me as co-applicant. I asked him the reason for it.

"Let your money be in the account, we can use it for emergency purpose or retirement.Let me pay the emi and take care of other things for our new house and the daily expenses."

"so this is the reason, you did not want to make a move on me right Deva? You are still not over about my words. You have taken them seriously. Did I not ask sorry to you? Did I not confront that I did not mean to hurt you? Everyone makes mistakes Deva. And I have realized my mistake. Still my mistake is what is taken in to account la. If you don't like to start a family with me, If you don't like me , then why are we still together in this same room as husband and wife. Please Deva.. don't make me say something. Or is that , are you expecting that word to come from my mouth?" I cried heavily pulling his collars.

"Sandhya.. don't think that way. Actually that fight is an eye opener for me. I realized that I am not a settled guy financially. We don't have a car to go out as a family together. If we have a kid it would be difficult as well. More over the house that we are currently in , is a 2bhk. Everytime , Krishnan mapilai and Anjana comes, my parents stay in the living room. It would be difficult if any other guests come over to our place. So don't think negatively. I never thought about us getting separated."

He went on and on to pacify me, to make me believe he was not affected by my words. Finally I came to a conclusion.

Until he makes the first move I am not going to ask or do anything. I am fed up with trying to initiate. After all I am the reason for my state now. I am the one who hurt him deeply with my words.

All these days and months , I was sounding more desperate to get physical to him. And I feel ashamed of myself for my acts.

I was such a fool to think Deva forgave me for my words long time back. But he did not. I now truly agree that Deva does not get convinced so easily when he is angry.

Let us both start our family only when we both feel it. Until then I am not going to make a move , not even a touch or kiss for that matter. 

~~~~~~~~~~
Looks like Deva is not over of the fight and has not  fully forgiven Sandhya.

Readers happy?? Previous chapter few readers did not like him getting back so soon with Sandhya. So do you think whatever Deva is doing is right??