It started out with a kiss

Chapter 25- Once again

A/N- hi.
This the second thing I've worked on since my shoulder i think but i think I'm ready to come back officially because it doesn't hurt at all now although I'm not yet cleared to go back to sport yet which is so sad, honestly i don't think I've ever been so mentally drained from doing absolutely nothing but that was my routine and now I'm all over the place but I haven't written much recently and haven't published anything in even longer so I need to do something other than playing block blast, listening to my playlist, reading or sleeping, so here you go, might not be the best but I'm trying my hardest.
Bye.

TW: PANIC ATTACKS, TALKS OF ABUSE, BLOOD, SELF HARM, ALCOHOL, DRUGS.

AUTUMN

I'm alone again, as most days seem to be right now, some days I'm not physically alone but I still feel that weird creepy sense of loneliness, do you get what I mean, it's like there could be a million people around me and I'd still feel invisible.
Today is different from those other days though because it's the day that she left, she meaning my mother, it's been decades now since she walked out and really I shouldn't be sad about it because she left us with our monster of a father, but I don't think I'm sad that she's gone I think I'm just mourning the loss of that safety, she was always our protection from him, when she left we didn't have any of that, all of that should not be on my mind right now though, what I should be focused about is the fact that I have work in less than an hour and I haven't even gotten out of bed yet, I don't know how I forgot to book today off, I've always stayed in on this day, because I'm scared that I might just see her around, in case she came back to try and make herself feel bad, I hope she does, I hope it eats her up everyday, I hope she realized just how much she can't live without us, her children.

My mind was all over the place, more than usual, there were so many things that I am feeling at this point in time and to be honest I don't know how to actually understand all of them, I'm normally quite good at keeping it all in but by looking at my face in the mirror I could just tell that no matter how hard I try I can't hide it, I don't even know what it looks like, it just looks slightly, uncomfortable.

Oh shit,
I need to leave in half an hour.

I rushed around the house trying to get myself ready in time and pack all my stuff up, honestly this past week has been so quiet without Winter here, he's gone to stay with his parents for a while to help them with a few things, if only he knew how much I wanted him here right now, we can't even properly talk on the phone because whenever he's free I'm busy with work or some thing else, I don't think I imagine my days to be so different without him here, it brings me back to the days when I first joined the nursery, I had no one to talk to, or to spend my free time with, I used to sit at home doing nothing but sleeping with my cat on the sofa and drinking whenever I was awake, the drinking isn't much different now, other than the fact that I have winter to do it with, that's sounds really sad, that I just drink all the time, it seems like an addiction but I promise it's not, more like a hobby, if you get what I mean.

10 minutes

I'm not even ready yet and I need to leave soon, I'm never late anywhere, I'm always on time because I hate the fact that if I am late people could be judging me and I would never know, because they won't tell me, right, I'm going off on a tangent now and I still have like 3 things to do, 3 things that always take me ages, my hair, finding my keys, and feeding the cat, normally feeding cats doesn't take long, I don't know why it does for me, I think it's because I always lose track of time giving caddy cuddles, caddy is short for cadaver, you may think it's a weird name but compared to my past it's absolutely nothing.

Pulling up to the nursery was once again lonely for me, something has really changed within me since Winter went away, something is just not the same, I think I've only just realized how much i really need him, there was never any time for second guessing if this life with him was what I really wanted but the days he's been away have been the worst, there's a constant dread of waking up not knowing if he would have made his way back home already and I just didn't notice him get into bed, but no, that's happened everyday this past week and still no, but it's fine I'm not going to let it bring me down, it can't bring me down, because who knows what will happen then, I'll go round terrorizing people again because i'm so insecure of the doubt inside and all the problems I have that I take it out on everybody else, I mean the parents will be calling me the Wicked Witch of the West or something, wait, that's a bit deep, but it's fine because it's not going to happen, I'm going to go about today as if it was just a normal shift, yeah, totally normal.