Esther

9 - The (not so) big reveal

Josh

I'm going to backtrack a little here, because there's something I haven't said yet, and that something is quite important.

Esther decides to leave Alex alone with her sandwich sacrifice, and instead, runs to find me.

I look up at her as she appears in front of me, cheeks flushed pink from the running, her eyes shining mischievously.

"What happened? Tell. Me. Everything."

I stare at her.

"What are you on about?"

"You and Alex! You've been avoiding him! So, what happened?"

I glance around, checking to make sure no one can hear us. There's a group of girls on Esther's volleyball team who are sitting a little to close for comfort. I scowl at them, and they start giggling.

"Not here. Come with me."

I grab her wrist and pull her away from the hordes of whispering volleyball players. I only stop when we cross the oval, collapsing onto the ground underneath a tree.

"Something happened."

Esther snorts and rolls her eyes.

"You dragged me all the way over here, just to tell me that? Like I hadn't guessed?"

I don't look at her, turning my attention to the boys kicking a football around on the oval. This was going to be harder than I thought. I take a deep breath.

"I thought, probably for a little too long, that I liked you. As more than a friend. But last week, we both got drunk and kind of started flirting with each other or something, I mean, he kissed me, for God's sake Esther! And I just-" I sigh "I had it all wrong. I'm sorry. It's not you I have feelings for. It's-"

The words get stuck in my throat.

"Alex." Esther finished for me, a faint smile on her face, "I know."

I choke on air.

"What? How?"

She laughs, laying back on the grass and staring up at the sky.

"I see a lot more than you give me credit for. I'm not nearly as blind or oblivious as you idiots."

I stare at her, wondering how on earth I could be so obvious when I didn't even realise until a few days ago.

"What do you mean?"

She closes her eyes and smiles.

"I see the way you look at him when you think he isn't looking. I see the way that every time you tell a joke, you immediately look to him to see if he's laughing. I see the way you two lean into each other's touches, and how they seem to linger, like you don't want to let go. Alex told me that one night he had a breakdown at midnight, and, within 15 minutes, you were at his apartment making him a hot chocolate. And when we went to the fair, during the firework display, he was watching the fireworks, and you were staring at him. I see a lot more than you think."

We sit in silence for a moment.

"But what about you?"

She cracks a smile, not opening her eyes.

"You're not the only one going through an identity crisis Josh. I don't want a boyfriend. Not now. Not ever. Or a girlfriend. I've been doing some reading and I think I've figured myself out."

She rolls over onto her stomach and looks at me, a sideways smirk on her face.

"I'm aroace. Aromantic, asexual. I'm happy being by myself." She jumps to her feet, brushing dirt and grass off her skirt. "But hey, don't forget to invite me to the wedding." She punches me lightly on the shoulder.

"See you around."

And she's gone, taking the last sliver of doubt in my mind with her.

I am in love with Alex, not Esther. And maybe, just maybe, he might like me back.

So much for the big reveal.

I won't describe our conversation in the diner, all you need to know is that I couldn't stop staring at him. Over the rim of my mug, whenever he wasn't looking. The soft golden light from the streetlight outside gave him a warm glow, the steam from his coffee making his cheeks turn slightly pink.

There's no other word for it. He's beautiful.

I marvel at the way we can slip into our old easy conversation, like nothing happened, like he didn't turn my entire world upside down in the space of a few months. And it's only when we stand up to leave, I notice the hoodie.

My hoodie.

Alex is wearing my hoodie.

My heart skips a beat.

"I won't tell you what happened-" I avoid his pointed questions. "But I would like my hoodie back."

I pull the hood over his eyes and try to disappear into the quiet city night. Autumn is over, and it's starting to get colder at night. I wonder if there'll be snow this year.

My spirits couldn't be higher as I walk through the darkened city. I'm happy. Because I have Esther and Alex. Wonderful, hilarious, oblivious Alex. And maybe nothing will ever come of it, maybe I'll be over him in a month, maybe he'll be best man at my wedding someday. But for now, I can hold onto this, hold onto Alex, my Alex.

Even though his heart belongs to Esther, even though he could never see me as anything more, even if my future is spent chasing after him, stealing glances across crowded rooms when I think no one's looking, he will be there. My anchor, my pressure point, my heart.

For now, I just have to wait until I stop being an idiot to get over him.

Yeah right.

Like that's ever going to happen.