The Black Widow- A Hunger Games Fanfic

The announcement

They were dead and buried before I even got home. Bella said there had been a nice funeral, which of course I had missed.
She said the tombstones were nice but of course I would never go to see them.

Over the next 9 months, I shut down completely. No calendars came, but even that small relief did nothing in the face of my loss. I understood now why I had done it all these years. And I would do it all again if I meant I had that time with Burnie and White back.
White wasn't even 12. He hadn't even experienced his first reaping. Burnie had been nearly eighteen. She only had one more left. She was going to be an adult. She had been so excited to get her first job. She was going to be a designer. Not any more. And it was all my fault.

"Sometimes I just want to die," I said one time to Bella as I was twirling my dinner knife between my fingers. She looked at me with horror and dismay and the next day Cashmere and Gloss were over at my house trying to talk me out of it.
The only argument that worked was that it would be an act of rebellion and many more people would die because of it.
I did nothing but exercise for those months. Just like I had in the first year after winning the games. I was probably in better physical shape than ever before but why would that even matter now? Who would care?
It was only really Bella now and she had started to keep her distance after the time I threw a knife at her head after she roused me from a nightmare. I felt like the only reason she still stayed at my house was to stop me from ending it all.
But she stopped coming into my room when I screamed. So I would just continue in the nightmares that I could never wake from on my own until the dawn came and roused me itself.
But even when I was awake, it was like I was sleepwalking.

I just wanted it all to be over and finally, my opportunity came.
"As a reminder that even the strongest among you cannot defeat the power of the Capitol, the male and female tributes from each district will be reaped from the existing pool of victors."
Bella had turned to me, expecting tears. She got only a smile,
"It's the way out," I told her, "Thank you for everything."

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On the fourth of July, all the District One victors were led to the paddocks where the children usually stood and registered as in attendance.
No-one had offered to volunteer and from my conversations with the other victors, no-one would. Not unless it was for a friend. Except maybe two. But we don't talk about two. It was crazy after all: to work and fight for your place as a victor and then willingly go back into the games.
After my siblings had been murdered, I had vowed never again to play the part of the Black Widow, but I think, I can play her one more time. One last performance before the curtain falls.

The district 1 escort (there was a new one since our last one had retired a couple years ago) was dressed in a flamboyant outfit covered in the number 75. Apparently she was very excited for the quarter quell,
"The female tribute: Cashmere Tanner." Cashmere, who was standing directly next to me, drew in a breath. I didn't even let her get up to the stage before walking out into the aisle,
"I volunteer as tribute." I shouted. All heads swivelled towards me as I made my way up to the stage, overtaking Cashmere on the steps. She caught my arm,
"What are you doing?"
"I'm the perfect district 1 tribute who loves the games," I told her, "I'm sure I'll win." She took note of the intentionally unconvincing excitement in my voice. But it wasn't like she could do anything. She had been reaped. I had volunteered.

I took my place on the stage, smiling and waving out to the crowd.
"Gloss Tanner," the escort said and Gloss walked up to the stage. I smiled at him as I shook his hands. Now I just needed to hope every tribute was as strong so I could make this convincing.

On the train, I held a notebook in one hand and a pen in the other as Cashmere, Gloss, Marcus (an older male victor who would serve as Gloss's mentor) and I watched the reapings. Every so often, I would jot down a name and maybe a note next to them.

Gloss
Enobaria
Brutus
Beetee's trap
Finnick (won't do it though)
Johanna (would need to piss her off)
Katniss
Peeta? (He hasn't killed anyone though)

"What's that?" Cashmere asked, peering over my shoulder,
"A list of people who could realistically kill me," I replied honestly, "If I don't want to incite rebellion, I'm going to need to make this convincing." She sighed,
"Are you really trying to get yourself killed?"
"Yes. But you should be happy. It gives Gloss a better chance of coming home." She didn't have an argument against that.

I grabbed a bottle of wine from the bar and headed back to my room. For a few hours, I just lay there, sipping at the bitter red liquid and hoping I would get drunk soon. But after finishing the entire bottle, I was still fully, disappointingly, sober. Maybe I needed to try something stronger. I had always stuck to wine because I liked the taste but there was stronger stuff on that table. I slipped out from my room and began to rummage through the assortment of bottles.
"They're all non-alcoholic you know," Cashmere said coming up behind me,
"What? Why now?"
"I had them swapped before we got here. We don't need to be sending in a drunk victor- they'll just be a liability to the rest of the alliance." I shot her a poisonous glance,
"Where's the real stuff?"
"Nowhere that you can find before we get to the station." I exclaimed in frustration, throwing the bottle of stupid non-alcoholic rum across the room to crash and break against the wall.
"I'm going to bed." I turned and as I was about to leave, Cashmere said quietly,
"I'm just trying to help you Rose."
"I don't want you to," I replied, "I have nothing left. No-one. Why is it so hard for you to understand that I don't want to live anymore."
"Because you don't have no-one," she said, "you have people who care about you. You have Bella, Johanna, Finnick, me. None of us want to lose you."
"Yeah," I said, "But half of those people are going into that arena and I'd rather either one of them came out than me."