Societal Paradox: A Compilation Of Poems/Rants

Was it my fault?

I was 15 then. This was a traumatic day for me. It was an eye-opener. This is my undermined repressed frustration.

Twice. Twice today was I catcalled. Twice. Twice was I confused knowing that the clothes I chose to conceal my skin that day with was in direct contrast to "intentionally provocative". Twice did I question the dilemma my mind mired itself in, it was the afterthought that kept me up at night. I ought to ask myself, was it my fault? Was I the one to be blamed? Am I just overreacting? Or perhaps, did my own actions steer myself into this very course of discomfit?

Twice, I felt 'chagrin' to the resolution I went through that day. Or was it more of my perturbed conscience I tried to submerge in the idea of shame? The words were shallow and yet they cut deep like a sword; dull and yet when retracted and stabbed once more is twice the pain. The perverted and empty words have sunk so deep, twice did I rethink my overall presence in the outside world and how it is chained to any reaction. I adapted for so long I finally faltered.

I was more than discombobulated, I was scared. Twice more I check myself in the mirror every day just to scrutinize my appearance, to ensure its 'decency' the least - particularly the standard of decency the marginalized society deem as the social norm.

I always saw everything in a bright light, now that light is a shade darker coupled with anxiety and fear. Turns out the longer the innocence of a mind is preserved the more it is bound to an atrocious and begrimed fate.

Is regret the fit word to use? I don't really feel the weight of remorse because I feel liberated to express myself outside the vicinity of my humble abode (and yes we are under a democratic-mandated county) although a part of me feels like there's more to it. I don't regret it but I ambiguously feel self-condemnation, the sense of dismay is pertinent at the back of my mind.

Are men in general just really like this? Has society really stoop so low? The conception of tolerance has vexed the balance too much and yet here we all are at the very edge of the only conclusion not any better to deserve the satisfaction of my, nor any other women's appease: "men will be men".

And that's it. That's the grandeur answer we all wanted and expected. Men once more are the exception, and women are to endure the calibrated fucked up ideology.

The generalized perception of situations in this world is too interdependent on 'men-based logic' thus, petty. Contentious as it is, a mere high school student is mentally capable enough to comprehend the fucked up system the society as stereotyped today. Trying-hard woke? No, more of recent trauma-induced awareness.

This unwanted harassment should not be romanticized and yet sadly everyone is subjected to such on a day to day basis all around the globe. Physical appearance is a factor and now that factor is for all women to consider when going out.

You're free to express, but note that every expression comes with a retaliated reaction and we live in a world where we just have to learn to suck it up and move on, hardly construing equality. Alas, 'equality' really only thrives in corrupted minds. In a selfish world, only the selfish survive with the ignorant silencing the voices of the abused minority and remain cavalier about it.

I am no whore to take for granted the behavior of those men but here I am alone with my own voice drowned out by the mass. I went out that day and got catcalled and no matter the circumstances, whether it was my intention to receive such attention/remarks or not, I am still perceived at fault. Confidence became a void of disgrace.

I then found myself at a point beyond no return. I was left with only one option: bittersweet acceptance. Inner peace never rooted from any law and order set in the country, it had always been entrenched in the concept of destabilized tolerance.

We don't need any kind of feminist protests to overshadow the toxic masculinity, what we need is liberal commitment to break stigmatized notions portrayed upon women, especially the girls who are to become women too one day for the sake of the overrated term 'empowerment' that's always been pursued but never really materialized.

Twice once more did I look back on that day and realized,

I am free, just constrained.