Hyung's Lover boy

My Home.

One week has passed, but what I have done feels like a year to me because I was ignoring my respectable hyung. Yes, very respectable, that I was holding back my tears whenever he came close to me. There is something about him; he has always been close to my heart and my life. He is not just my love; he has become such a part of my life that if I try to distance myself from him, I distance myself from me too. There is no happiness, nothing to be happy for, if he is not a part of my life.

I have always shared my small things with him because he listens very patiently and even gives me the best solutions to everything. I just hid one thing, that's the best for us. I let it out once on my birthday, but after that, I thought it would make us different. I didn't forget it, but yes, I forgot to think that we could be together in the future. But what can I do when my heart always dreams of him, just him?

I was standing outside the coffee shop and looking at the man who was carrying the most lovely and charming smile on his face, standing other side of the see through mirror. 'He is a people pleaser. He can't see anyone sad around him. That's why I hate him so much, that I can't take him out of my heart even if I tried so hard.' I am still standing and waiting for him to come out of the shop so we can leave for our respective houses. 

For the past a week, I have not been going to Jiminie's home because I wanted to try my best not to get attached to Park's, because their elder son has already taken my soul, and the more time I spend with them, the more feelings develop to stay there, never go back. Whereas I know there is no hope for me with the Park's elder son, 'I wanted to be with the Park's, but guess what? I am not lucky enough,' I chuckled at myself, imagining being with hyung in their home, chatting about different topics while Uncle was trying to be cool and Aunty being savage, Jimin was teased because of his height, and Lisa taking my side by purposely bumping into Jimin to make us collide. Have you ever felt complete? Because I do every time I am present in the Parks' house. "Parks are not good for health," I mumbled while seeing hyung again.

"Hi, Jungkookie," he said cheerfully. You know what? Sometimes I feel bad for him, and I'm even shocked sometimes at how he always stays this cheerful toward me, like he doesn't even know what's hurting me, i even not going to tell him either that he is the reason, he didn't do anything wrong, but still, he is trying to heal? He is the breaker and the healer too.

I just nodded and started to walk, and that's how I am. I wanted to be by his side, but I also didn't want to tell him know what was broken inside me. We just walked, where he was trying to engage with me as usual since last week. He is like this, and my ears are all over his words and his small expressions. He is the kind of person everyone loves but no one has. I am one of them.

Today, he is trying his best. I think today he was all determined to make me happy. He asked me a few times to let him know what's hurting me. He even explained that the girl, jade, he had dated for a few weeks, i hate her already, but that didn't make me happy. It's just that I'm not angry at him because, yes, I love him, but it's not his fault. I have no right to be angry at him if he was dating someone. 

I was angry at myself for trying so hard, and this human smiled at me, and I fell harder than before for him. At this rate, all my hard work went to dust, and I was still standing on the middle of the bridge, seeing him on both sides. Either I would jump over it and finish myself, or I would see him smiling on both sides, no escape. And inside, I was so happy, but I know this is wrong, and that's what made me sadder.

He randomly grabbed a kitten from the street and started to play with it while my eyes were on him, just him. He came closer to me, very close, and pushed that kitten over my face, but my eyes were on him, and I didn't even move backward. I am standing for him, forever like this.

I smiled after a week, yes after a week, when he started to play with the kitten and make random faces while playing with it. The kitten was also looking at him with big eyes and meowing a few times, and he was the one making different faces. My worries vanished, my sadness faded away, and even my mind took a new turn as my eyes stayed fixed on him.

He saw me smiling, and he stopped before he smiled brightly, leaving the cat on the street. He opened his arms for me to hug him. I don't even know when my legs started to move toward him. I know myself; it's easy for him to let me do anything for him, he is the controller and i desired myself to be get control by him.

Seeing him with his arms open, that sweet smile, waiting for me while looking so handsome and beautiful at the same time, I went close to him, few steps away from him, not too close, not too far, wanting him to pull me in, and he did pull me closer. I want him to choose me, and he did. I don't know why my tears dropped when he pulled me harder into his body and started to move his fingers over my hair. All my uneasiness vanished, all my troubles vanished. I felt the safest with him. I have all those strong muscles, but this human can move me with his little pinky finger. This human breaks me without even trying. This human cures without even trying.

I am ready to be a sufferer if he is the one who's going to be the cause of all my suffering.

"Let's go home, shall we?" he asked while I was still there, not even hugging him back. He broke the hug, cupped my face, and smiled. "Kookie, smile. You look good with it. Papa said he is going to make your favorite food for dinner." He finished, and I was glad that he didn't see the glassy tears. I nodded while looking everywhere but at him.

He held my hand while he started to wave our intertwined hands, and I saw him smiling. I smiled too. See, it's so easy for him to break all those walls in one second that I tried to build over a week, but I'm not complaining either.

So, finally, I am going home, with my home.