Houses of the Holy

Library 1975

TW: Negative self talk? I think thats it :) 

Said there ain't no use in crying

Cause it will only, only drive you mad - Led Zeppelin, Houses Of The Holy

Regulus

Living. It's a strange word to Regulus Black, something he can't quite define. It's a state of being that slips through his fingers like sand, impossible to grasp or hold. Sirius would say living is simply not being six feet under—but Sirius has never been known for wisdom, just defiance. He's the fun one, the bruiser, the one who'd throw a punch without a second thought if someone hurt one of his friends. Reckless. Impulsive. Traumatized, too, though Regulus prefers not to dwell on that. Thinking of it makes an odd, uncomfortable knot form in his stomach, a tightening in his throat.

Pandora says it's natural to feel that way. That it means he actually cares about Sirius. Well, of course he cares; Sirius is his brother. But feelings, emotions—they're strange to him, things he was taught to put in neat little boxes, hidden and contained. He's perfected that skill, or so he thought. Until Sirius showed up with his loud, lovely, and annoyingly persistent friends.

Remus is probably the most tolerable of them, quiet and calm, the opposite of Sirius. But Regulus has noticed the way he carries himself: there's a simmering fire in him, a dangerous one, and he suspects that if anyone so much as threatened Sirius, Remus would tear them apart without hesitation. Then there's Peter, who seems unassuming, easygoing, yet there's an ache in him too, a quiet longing to be more, to burn as bright as the others. He tries so hard, but what he doesn't realize is that he's already one of them. Regulus thinks it's sad, how so many people are blind to their own worth.

And then there's Potter. Arrogant, sunny, utterly irritating Potter. He's the glue that holds them all together, the one who knows everyone so well. He can tell when Peter feels left out, or when Remus is sick from the moon. He notices when Sirius is on edge and somehow manages to comfort the girls with just the right words. And now—recently, inconveniently—he's taken to noticing when Regulus gets caught up in his own head. He doesn't want Potter's attention, doesn't want pity, but Potter is annoyingly persistent. And worst of all, he actually seems to care.

Regulus doesn't know what to do with that. Plenty of people say they care, but Potter shows it. He brings tea, offers to help with schoolwork, tells bad jokes to lighten the mood. It drives Regulus mad. He doesn't need or want anyone's help, especially not Potter's. But with Sirius insisting he at least try to be civil, and Potter looking so genuinely hurt the last time he snapped at him, he finds himself letting Potter do these little things, if only begrudgingly.

Another infuriating thing about Potter is how perfect he is. He's everything Regulus feels he's supposed to be—good-looking, popular, high-achieving, from a well-loved family. It rankles him, because no one can be that ideal, that genuinely kind, all the time. So Regulus has made it his personal mission to crack that perfect facade, to expose some flaw or weakness.

To be clear, he does not like Potter. He tolerates him for Sirius's sake, and because it would be downright rude to loathe someone who shares his home now that Sirius has moved in with the Potters. Besides, Potter's parents, Effie and Monty, are pleasant company. They have a sense of humor about his resentment toward their son, and he can't help but enjoy the warmth they extend to him.

***

Take it easy, take it easy
Don't let the sound of your own wheels drive you crazy - Eagles, Take It Easy

It's a cold day, Regulus thinks, pulling the sleeves of his black jumper down over his fingers, which are turning an unfortunate shade of purple. His family's curse of poor circulation, no doubt. The chatter of students in the halls is its own kind of irritant, buzzing around him as he heads to class, wishing he could hex the lot of them into silence. Potter would be horrified if he did, he thinks with a smirk as he ducks into Potions.

Speaking of, Potter is already there, laughing with Sirius, who's lounging with his feet on the desk, animatedly discussing Quidditch with Remus and Peter. Regulus rolls his eyes, ignoring them as he slips to his usual seat on the Slytherin side.

Eventually, Barty and Evan saunter in, looking slightly disheveled, and flop down next to him. Regulus glares at them.

"Must you two... do that every spare second you get?" he mutters, voice laced with disdain.

Barty grins, unfazed. "Oi, don't knock it till you try it, Reggie."

"Don't ever call me that again."

Barty only laughs. "You love me, petal."

Regulus recoils, mock gagging. "Merlin, that's worse! I do not love you."

Barty reaches over to ruffle his hair, and Regulus bats his hand away, scowling. "Sure, sure," Barty says with a chuckle. Evan just watches, smirking at the exchange.

As class drones on, Regulus is thoroughly reminded why he doesn't take more classes with these idiots—or his brother's insufferable friends. The minute the lesson ends, he slips out, eager to escape their noise.

The library is blissfully empty. He settles in his favorite corner by the roaring fire, hidden from the rest of the world by towering bookshelves. The heat of the flames is comforting but never stifling. He warms his icy hands before settling onto the floor with The Iliad, a worn Muggle copy he's read more times than he'll admit.

Time blurs as he loses himself in the story, the only sounds the crackle of the fire and the rustle of pages. Outside, the wind howls against the castle walls, like some distant beast trying to claw its way in. But here, in this small, carved-out sanctuary, he feels at peace. The weight of expectations, of pretending, slips away.

The sun dips below the horizon, shadows lengthening around him as his eyes grow heavy. He keeps reading, even as the lines begin to blur, letting the warmth of the fire and the comfort of the words lull him.

He doesn't notice when he finally drifts off, the book slipping from his hands as he falls into a deep, dreamless sleep.

A/N: Woooooo one chapter down, I really have no clue where this is going but ya know whatever, hope you enjoy :) Have a fabulous day and go drink some water, it's good for you.
- Organic x