TW: Negative self-talk, emotional burnout? sort of. Swearing, mild internalised homophobia? again, sort of. Anxiety, grief, suppressed emotions, the whole shebang. Pretty much just part two of James 'Everything sucks so let me be mean' Potter and Regulus 'Gives it but can't take it' Black.
Hold me closer, tiny dancer
Count the headlights on the highway
Lay me down in sheets of linen
You had a busy day today - Elton John, Tiny Dancer
James
James is tired. His notes are scattered across the table, the letters on paper meaning nothing anymore. He drops his head in his hands.
Grief is a strange thing, for some, it is choking, desperate.
For others, it is numb.
Others still, it is filled with rage and regret.
Some feel it all.
But no one feels it the same.
He sighs, pulling a stack of papers closer. The letters still don't mean anything. Just lines and swirls against the paper.
He has the urge to throw everything to the floor.
Scream.
Cry.
He picks up his pen, dragging the sharp tip against the pad of his thumb. It prickles, ink staining the tiny cuts.
He frowns, tension making his temples ache. Stupid. He forces himself to read the words, forces himself to remember it.
He owes her that much.
She wouldn't want him to be sad.
He doesn't deserve it.
He puts his head down, and works.
***
The throne of time
Is a kingly thing
From whence you know
We all do begin
And dressed as you are girl
In your fashions of fate
Baby it's too late - T. Rex, Monolith
The next day is much the same, and the day after that. He falls into an odd routine, an endless cycle of studying, and only forces himself to eat when Sirius, Remus, or Peter drag him into the great hall. He keeps up the cheery act around them, and they begin to accept it after a while.
They don't question his continued absences, putting it down to him studying for his mock exams. He supposes, in a way, that is what he's doing.
He sort of wishes that someone would notice that something is wrong.
He should make sure Sirius is okay.
Sirius is good with it, openly sharing his grief, and letting himself be comforted. James feels like a fraud for giving comfort. For pretending that it doesn't impact him.
It does.
He wants to scream.
Cry.
He doesn't.
It's Lily who finally notices, sitting down beside him one day in the library.
"What are you doing here James? You hate studying," She laughs lightly, and it's so lovely, James wants to cry all over again.
YOU ARE READING
Houses of the Holy
General FictionRegulus Black has never been good at living. Ever since he escaped from his parent's house when he was 14, he's decided it's better to live in a cold, detached state, because he's good at that. Oh, and, he really, cannot stand James Potter. James P...
