Letters to My Love

08/08/24

My dear Kyra,

I didn't write yesterday my beautiful girl, I was so busy making songs for you. I'm in a mindset where I don't want to study, and I just had this motivation to do that for you and I was so motivated I ended up making 5. It was like I was just working at superhuman speed I swear I just knew what I wanted them to sound like. I sent you an email with them attached in one long video I put together in an editing software, and I hope you like them.

Two sets of my markers arrived today and I am so happy, they look so cute and I can't wait to fill in the swatches because I've never done that before and it looks so organised and it makes me excited AHHH. But I really gotta try not to feel excited at the minute because I'm not well and it hurts my stomach xD Honestly I feel a hint of sadness coming from somewhere, and it makes me not wanna do anything. I've taken my pill but it could just be an episode cuz the pills can't prevent eVeRyThInG. I'm just brainstorming tags and SEO and keywords and stuff because of selling my art, I wanna make speedpaints to promote it on youtube or tiktok or instagram because reels get more views these days. I'm scared to do the speedpaints cuz what if I mess up :')

Well the more I do it the better I'll get. It's really hard to actually do anything at the moment to be honest, I'm really not well. I've been feeling it for probably a week now. Just feeling sick now and then, all those pains, dizziness and being faint and my heart speeding up, spasming, being tired all the time, headaches, all that, and I could feel it getting worse as the week went on. But I could definitely feel myself getting sicker and weaker and then last night I got woken up at 3am by sickness, and it started off bad and my head was hurting and everything was spinning, I felt like I was gonna throw up but I couldn't move because at the same time I was on the verge of fainting. Like yknow when the vision goes and you're all clammy and your hearing is fuzzy, and you're about to go. I was like that, as well as wanting to throw up, so I couldn't get up. This was around 3:30am for me so uh 9:30pm the previous day for you. The dizziness faded, and I was left just feeling sick, and then the pains started and it got worse. By 3:45, if I thought I was gonna throw up before, this was bad. This was infinitely worse. I was too weak to get out of bed though and I was ice cold and shivering so I didn't want to get up and stay in a cold bathroom on the cold floor just waiting to throw up. So I propped myself up and put on my electric blanket and tried to ignore the nausea and dizziness but then I started spasming and I just closed my eyes and tried to bear it and wait for it to pass.

It was horrible. And I can't remember falling asleep but the next I opened my eyes it was when my alarm was going off. But then I fell back asleep and woke up at 9:30, an hour and a half later. I haven't eaten anything for breakfast because my stomach feels really weak, and I still feel sick and my head hurts and I keep going from really hot to really cold and I feel so tired it's like I'm sleep walking. Not to mention my entire body feels so weak I can barely lift my arms to type this. And as usual, the stomach and heart pains are still there.

Yeah I just don't feel good right now, maybe it'll pass, maybe it'll get worse, but I'll just keep taking my pills and hope for the best. I'm also having a moment today where I really miss you and I keep thinking about how it was to how it is now. You were so happy to be around me but now you really don't want anything to do with me and you don't want to see me and you don't want to talk to me. It's hard but I'm too tired to feel as sad as I usually do. So I'm just getting on. You'll come back one day. I know that for definite, no doubts at all and I genuinely mean that. I literally have no doubts it's kind of like psh yeah she'll come back it's cool so no need to be sad, just gotta deal with this season right now. But your mental health is the most important thing right now and that's what I think about a lot, not getting back together. I still want to, don't get me wrong, but I pushed it to the back of my mind because you are more important. It creeps in sometimes but I feel it and then reassure myself and then push it back and oh my gosh it's so hot I think I'm gonna faint or throw up or both. I'll be back-

Okay I'm okay. Man. I'm so hungry but so sick :') but I just got a burst of motivation out of nowhere so I'm gonna go back to my keywords and tags and SEO. My eyes feel so heavy though xD and my hEaD oh my head. And it's getting hot again and I feel like I'm gonna throw up again. Roit I'm gonna go and just try and do this while feeling like this. I'll be back later xD I love you baby girl.

OHHH PAT GOT ME A MUFFIN AND NOW I CAN'T HAVE IT :')))))))

I love you Kyra :')

I'm back and I'll be going to bed soon. I feel a bit less sick now but not that much better. I've eaten sOmE stuff and yes I did eat one of the muffins because I got sad that I couldn't have it and I really wanted it, so I had it and if I throw up i throw up it doesn't matter im sick anyway. I've been filling in the marker colour swatches and I watched New Moon, the second Twilight movie, the one where Edward leaves Bella and comes back half a year later and I think you can guess the reason I watched it. I'm just having an off day, and it helps me process. When you're feeling okay again, you'll come back. What we had you can't just find in anyone. What we had is meant to be. But right now you're struggling and I'll do my best to support you while also giving you space, which isn't easy when I just wanna wrap you in my arms and hold you close and make you feel safe and tell you all these good things about you and that it's gonna be okay. Buuut I can't. For now. And sometimes I feel selfish for thinking about how I wish you'd come back already because you have enough going on and you're not thinking about that when you're going through so much. But when I think I'm being selfish, I remind myself it's not being selfish, it's being human. I have wants and desires as much as everyone else and I'm allowed to wish you'd come back. But the fact that I can push it aside and focus on your mental health shows that I do love you even if you don't believe me. Not trying to be like oHhH iM sHoWiNg OfF lOoK sEe iM sO lOvInG fOcUsInG oN yOu. No I'm just thinking out loud to be honest... in... text xD Reassuring myself in a way. Cuz when you told me you don't believe I love you, it hurt but I do love you, I know how I feel about you, you were just angry and hurting. But I really do mean it, right now, I'm putting you first, not to get anything out of it, but because I genuinely care about you and how you feel. Maybe one day you'll see that I do love you.

Well I'm gonna move on before I start crying xD

I just had a shower and I can feel myself getting sicker so I should probably lay down and rest my eyes and hope I don't throw up. I hope your day has gone okay my love, please keep fighting through this, I know you can do it. You're doing so well. Sleep well tonight and have sweet dreams. I love you so very much baby girl. Muah <3

Yours forever,

Your moving rock <3