Letters to My Love

22/08/24

My dearest Kyra,

You have no idea how hungry I am right now. I am in so much pain. There is like no food ever left for me. Everything I go to eat, my dad puts in Taddy's lunch for school, leaving me with nothing. Why do the young kids always get all the food and not me, why do I have to go hungry? I hate kids so freaking much they always take everything from me and act like stupid little idiots who think they can get away with whatever they like. Well I'd like to see them try and sass their way out of what I give them. Sure take all the damn food how about I cut your throat down the middle and shove a freaking pole through your body and then you won't be able to friggin eat. Go ahead pull all my hair out, how about I do the same huh? How do you like it? Bleeding all over the damn seat crying because it hurts. Oh it hurts does it? Too bad because you don't care about when you do it to me so why should I care you stupid little brat.

I'm sorry. I'm just not in a good mood because I'm so hungry and my dad refuses to spend money and he thinks there's loads when I'm literally sat here eating a bowl of dried oats. I'm not even supposed to be eating oats because they make me sick. I'm hungry and in pain and because I have no food, I have no energy so I'm tired and cranky and it's unfair that kids always get all the food and I don't. I just want to eat. I want to cry. And on top of that my dad is getting on my nerves because he thinks he's always right and so smart. Like in the car today I was saying that I learnt higher maths in year 6, when I was 10. He said no year 6 is 16 year olds, the last year of secondary in England, it's been like that for generations and generations. I said no year 6 is the last year of primary school, and then when you start secondary you start in year 7 and end in year 11. He told me no I think you're wrong and I said I literally grew up with that system and he said you didn't go to school so you wouldn't know. And this is another thing that crosses the line is when I know someone is so wrong but they think I'm making a mistake. I'm freaking not I was literally in year 5 when I never saw you again and I finished primary in year 6 you can't tell me I'm wrong when I literally lived it. And then he looked it up and saw I was right and I was like ha see. This sort of thing really annoys me. When I am right and everyone says I am wrong. Edie used to do it all the freaking time and I would get so cold with her when she did. When she started having a go at me and I said "but you literally said this" and recited what she said word for word. And then she'd go "no I didn't eloise I never did that" and I'd literally reinact what everyone was doing, where everyone was standing at the time, what led to her saying it, every single friggin detail and she'd still go "no I didn't I know I wouldn't do that" and I'd say well you did so you would in fact do that. And she'd be so adamant that I was wrong when I knew one hundred percent what I was right I could replay it in my mind I was literally acting it out for her and she still said I was wrong. I wouldn't make something up I don't make stuff up I am right and you're too stubborn to admit it. And then I'd act coldly towards her for the entire shift and if we ended up in the same situation again the same night she'd always just get all funny and go "whatever eloise". I refused to look or talk to her when she did that. And if I had to talk to her then I wouldn't be nice. But then she'd pick on me for the rest of the night and say "why are all your tables messy" when I literally just walked round to clear them and I'd say that and she'd go "well I can see a glass right there that needs clearing" and I'd say they're still drinking it and she'd tell me to go clear it and I'd go up there and sure enough they were still drinking and so I'd go back down all smug and tell her "they're still drinking it". And she'd say "oh rose has caught up and you're rushing around when there's no need" and in my head I'd be like well maybe it's because every single one of you keep asking me to do everything and push all your jobs onto me. And I'm a little doormat and just say yes. She really got on my nerves. Don't tell me to do my freaking job, yknow, the one I've been doing for almost 3 years. I know what I'm doing and you're just grumpy because I'm right and you're not. I hate it. That stuff really rubs on me. And Edie used to do it all the damn time. She was probably jealous that all her favourite regulars that she'd known for years all called me their favourite waitress and not her. Having a restaurant named after her probably got to her head. Edie doesn't talk to me now anyway. Calls me her sister and then finds a new best friend to replace me the second I leave and then ignores all my texts and comments on her posts. Whatever. Kelly still texts me. Kelly always says she misses me and says the restaurant isn't the same without my craziness and says she hopes I'm living the life I always wanted. She always starts off her texts with "my beautiful Eloise" and when I spam her with pictures she always gets emotional because she always wanted me to be happy. She's the mum I always wanted, even though she's not my mum. But she likes to tell people who used to mistake her as my mum when we'd hug and be together at the restaurant that she was my "work mum" and I spend so much time with her that I might as well be her daughter. It made me so happy. I spent all my life writing stories where the character has a loving mum, and I finally got that. The amount of times she'd sit outside with me on my break and she'd hug me and comfort me while I was crying, and even started crying herself because she wished she could take all the bad stuff away, feed me when she found out I hadn't eaten, take me into their house when my mum was blowing up at me, wasn't manipulated by my mum even when she met her three times and always joked about keeping secrets from her so she wouldn't get angry. xD Like when she trained me on the bar before I turned 18 she was all like "just don't tell your mum or she might take you away" or if we were having a good close down and everyone was drinking and making jokes and Lewis was being his usual dark humoured self, Kelly would always turn to me and say "I hope your mum doesn't know about the conversations we all have otherwise she'll stop you from working here anymore" and she just knew xD She knew the truth and I think it's because she had it before. She used to be a secondary drama teacher and one girl would always come in with red marks and stuff, a bit like when I'd turn up to my dad's every other weekend with red marks and bruises, and the girl would get upset a lot and she always seemed afraid to go home. Kelly said she met her mum a few times and she seemed like the loveliest person ever, like my mum seemed, but then they found out that this girl's mum was actually abusing her. And so that's probably how she saw through my mum's act and protected me as best as she could. Giving me more shifts in the day so I could get out and away from her and stuff like that. Feeding me and giving me clean, dry socks when I got mine soaked on the way to work, making sure I was okay during the shift. I was too depressed to even see back then. But I do now and I wanna send her a text telling her how much I appreciate everything she did for me.

I'm still really hungry but my body is rejecting the oats so I can't eat them anymore. I have tea I guess. I'm gonna try and study. I've vented but I still have a bit of frustration so maybe music and studies will distract me. I love you so much babyyyyy.

Okay so the rest of the day was okay. I feel this slight thing inside me that makes me want to not get out of bed and feel sad. Yknow how it always started in the annexe... well I ran out of pills and I need more but with my dad's stroke and all that I haven't really been able to. I do feel proud that I can be happy without the pills though, so at least it's not fake happiness like I thought :3 it's still there though, and I'm trying to push through it. I had another person start a conversation with me today, but the second I asked what they were into, like interests and stuff, they immediately decided to say they were switchy and I seemed like a sub, who acts like a brat but "is a good girl deep down" and I was just like how the heck do I respond to this-

Then she goes and says don't worry baby, I'll treat you right, as long as you obey, and then I blocked her like nah I'm not having that you weirdo. xD Sorry but the only one who can turn me on and tease me is kYrA. So shoo. But that made me really uncomfortable for a good portion of the evening xD

I did go out in the afternoon to a cafe so I could eat sOmEtHinG, and I had this breakfast toasty and it was soooo good but it wasn't enough and I was still starving and I'm still starving nOw. And I drew a little bit in the evening and I actually really hate it but oh well nothing I can do now, if I just see it through maybe I can fix it. I really suck at drawing man.

Aaaanyway I'm gonna gooo because my eyes burrrrrrrn. I love youuuu precious girlllll sleep well tonighttttt muah <3

Yours forever,

Your moving rock <3