Letters to My Love

25/10/24

Dear Kyra,

Right now I'm staying with Mei. I'm at her karate lesson. I'm staying round her house both today and tomorrow and going back Sunday, because I don't trust myself. I saw what you posted. "You may never hear from me again". So I stay waiting, I wait and love you and send you happy energy and I hope to start fresh, as strangers, then as friends, but you had no intention of ever coming back. You told me we could be friends but you're just going down this bad path and I don't like it. You're becoming someone you're not just to avoid your problems and it's gonna hurt you. You're not happy, I can see it in your eyes. You have a cold gaze. You're pushing away everyone who was good for you and good to you, including me. But I don't know if I even want you to come back. Because of who you've turned into. Because of who you hang around. While I stayed loyal, loving, I messed up but at the end of the day I'm trying to fix it, but never once did I ever stop loving you. But you... you just abandoned me. Discarded me. Like I was trash to you. I'm trash to you. You look at me and all you see is a load of trash. I want you to actually see what you've done. What you're doing. To yourself and to the people who love you. To me. You've destroyed me and keep destroying me and I still love you. I'm torn. I want Kyra but I don't want this Kyra because this Kyra isn't you. This Kyra is just... lost. I will love you and support you even as you are now, but admittedly I am disappointed in you right now. Because I want what is best for you and I want you to be happy. And you turning down this path... it's disappointing. So yeah I'm not going to chase you anymore. You come back when you're sorry and when you're ready to start afresh with me, when you're ready to love me. I'm still debating whether or not I'm going to kill myself and that's why I'm with Mei.

I relapsed last night, not because of you, actually I woke up this morning and saw your status. No I relapsed beforehand because Stephen blocked me and it triggered something, I don't know why but he's going through a lot and I tried to be there for him as best as I could but I think he's saying he wants space by blocking me. That triggered me, and then I had Miko say something, then my dad said stuff, then Mei said stuff, and that's when I posted my status about annoying everyone. It wasn't aimed at you, if that's what you thought. So yeah it all crashed around me and I destroyed my 130 day streak of being clean. I don't even care anymore because you used it as a threat. You threatened to leave if I cut again but you already left. And still I didn't after you left, but I can't do this anymore. I don't want to do this anymore. I'm okay to die now. And honestly, I think my decision is to kill myself. I'll see how I feel when I get back on Sunday.

Mei put some oil on my cuts and it burned a lot but it's stopped now. They're very deep. I played with her bunnies who wouldn't stop climbing all over me and licking my hands. She gave me her hoodie to wear because I'm cold and I have to hide all my scars and tattoos so I have to wear my sleeves. Her parents are Chinese and very strict. I have to call her Esther around them and I can't do or say or wear a lot. But they're very intent on feeding me, at least. We're gonna watch a horror movie tonight and then tomorrow is the concert. First is her karate grading though. She gave me this teddy bear ice cube mould and some clothes even though she's smaller than me somehow they fit, and she gave me an emotional support bear. Miko is mad at me for cutting but he's gentle mad. Calling me his pretty autistic but slapping me virtually.

Well Mei is done now. I love you baby.

Yours forever,

Your moving rock <3