Letters to My Love

21/08/24

My dearest baby girl,

Well. Uh. I haven't written in a while and that's because I was processing our conversation. At first I was angry, and I didn't want anything to do with you and therefore I stopped writing, but then you apologized and said you didn't mean what you said and it was just an episode of bipolar. After that, you know what happened, and you have no idea how happy I am. So very, very happy. And I knew it all along that you would come back, I knew it was meant to be. So now, now I will write about just what I get up to and all of that while I wait for you to feel ready with your mental health and stuff. I should be getting that heart ecg monitor thing to wear soon too, and apparently now my dad needs it. So he uh... he had a stroke a couple of nights ago, and he was in the hospital all day yesterday. His heart rate is literally constantly in the 30s or 40s, and they need to figure out what's going on. He's in a good mood today though, he feels good, he doesn't feel worried and he has no pains or anything. When we were having our conversation and I said I was home alone? Yeah I didn't realize that he was in the hospital because he always drops Taddy at school and sometimes goes to hang out with his mates at their cafe after. But this time he was at the hospital and he told me he had a stroke and what makes me feel really bad is he tried to wake me up but I wasn't budging. Why do I always end up sleeping when everyone around me is in pain man. I feel guilty but he's not upset and he's doing okay so I guess it's okay. If something had happened though... I don't wanna think about it.

Today he went into the gym to cancel his membership and I have to be with him every time he drives now just in case he gets lightheaded and I can take the wheel, or if he suddenly faints and I have to quickly pull over. A lot of chaotic stuff going on over here xD Oh and that reminds me, Sydney's water now has cancerous chemicals in it so yAy.

On a more lighthearted note, I'm trying to train my hair so that I only have to wash it once a week, which is the amount you're supposed to be washing it. But my mum washed my hair every other day since I was born and that's what I grew up doing, thinking it was normal. But my hair gets greasy within a day and I go through a lot of shampoo so I'm training it. I'm basically still showering every other day, but one time I wash my hair, the other I just rinse it, then wash it, then just rinse it and so on. Cuz it would be gross if I only showered once a week. I'm also gonna grow my hair out again, I miss my hair being super long. It's kind of around ¾ of the way down my ribcage so it's growing but it used to be down to my butt and I want it longer than that. Soo I'm growing it out and I'll probably cut my front bangs in again. yEs I know I cut it wonky but you're the only one who notices so wHaTeVeR. I'm trying to study but nothing's working so once again I am distracted and trying not to be xD And I'm really really hungry but like there's nOtHiNg to snack on and I reeeeeally want some crisps or SOMETHING :'))) I should really get on with my studies... I'll try to focus and come back later :3 I love youuuuuuuu.

So I've done literally no studying since, and went with my dad to pick Taddy up from school. And then I got baaaack and made some noodlessss and sat and watched a bunch of edits. And Sleepy Hollow but I can only watch that up to a point because it reminds me of being in Seychelles with you, and as much as it doesn't trigger me anymore being reminded of you because what we had is still there and it will be back when you're mentally in a better place, I still miss actually being in Seychelles with you. And eeeevery night after work we'd walk home under the stars and you'd kiss me on the same hill every time and we'd get back in and you'd cook dinner and my useless butt would just sit there asking for hot chocolate xD and then we'd eat and we'd watch Sleepy Hollow on my laptop although most nights it turned into something else but yknow sometimes we wOuLd actually watch it xD and falling asleep in your arms :')

And when I was sad you'd always cheer me up. You'd tickle me or you'd put on some music and we'd slow dance in the kitchen or you'd be silly or give me hugs and hold me in your arms if I was crying and you'd always be there and know exactly how to make me feel better. You quite literally carried me when I couldn't walk and you held me when we went swimming and my legs wouldn't move and you stopped me from sliding off the back of the truck when I fell asleep and you wrapped me up when I was cold. You took care of me when my legs were swollen and itchy and drained all the bubbles as gross as it was and when you were putting the cream on my legs and you saw they were pooling with blood and I sat down you were right next to me the whole time. When I felt like I was gonna throw up and I started to walk to the bathroom but I was about to faint you were so prepared to catch me and hold me. While I wasn't going to and it didn't go through my head, you still hid the blade while you were at work so I didn't do anything to myself and just you thinking of that is sweet and I'm grateful you did that even though I wouldn't have. And you woke me up before you left with some tea and you took care of me. You cut me fruit and showed me how to cook and took me into shops when I started overheating and when I was sat on that wall in front of the ocean crying about having to go back to live with my mum and leaving Seychelles, you sat there and you suggested all those positive things to get me back over there with you. Even though I was too upset to really take those suggestions, you still sat there with me while I cried and comforted me. The second I said I was hungry you bought food for me even though I never asked for you to spend your money on me but you still did it so I could eat. You went along with my desire to buy a stray dog food the next time we went shopping and hunt her down so she could eat, and you walked around the island just to find me a job. You held the umbrella so I was shielded from the sun and at that funeral you kept checking if I was feeling okay or triggered or overwhelmed, and you kept close to me to help me stay calm. You got so defensive every time a guy came to talk to me xD It annoyed you so much that they were trying to buy me drinks and stuff and it was funny and cute that you were so protective and it made me happy. At work when I was sat at my table you always came over to check how I was feeling and ask if I wanted anything and you'd always sit with me on your break, and when I threw up you made sure I was sat in the section you had so if I needed you, you were there.

And what I find really cute is how happy you were when I bought you ice cream and you really liked that cheesecake flavour you had and we walked back to La Batie sharing ice cream and your face every time I looked at you was so cute, you had the happiest little smile and it made me really happy. And we collected all those shells and we found a shark tooth and I still have all of those in a pouch although the shark tooth is sort of getting thinner now the bone is wearing away, same with the sea urchin spines. BUT THE SHELLS ARE OKAY. And the shells with the red swirl you said were rare and meant good luck, the swirls are fading away now. I love you Kyra. So much. You've always been perfect in my eyes. I'm not ignorant of the mistakes you've made and your flaws, but baby we've all made mistakes and we all have flaws and I love everything about you, flaws and all. So none of that matters, you're perfect just the way you are and I wouldn't change a single thing about you. Before our argument and our break up, you treated me the way my parents always hoped someone would treat me. You are everything they described the one would be. Except my mum was very specific on the "nice christian boy" part xD so maybe not eVeRyThInG but pretty much everything they described you fulfilled. You are my forever and my only love. I don't see anyone but you baby girl. You're so gentle and loving and caring and the times you have your episodes, it doesn't matter my love, it's not something you mean to happen, you understand what I meant by some other thing inside that just takes control and I know how that feels, I really do. You're bipolar, I'm BPD, with others, that's gonna CLASH. But you and I make it work, we always made it work, and we will when you're back again. And this time I'm better. I'm not insecure. I can be patient, I can understand, I can be and do everything you need me to.

AHAHAHAHAHAHA OKTAVIA JUST SENT ME A MESSAGE SHE JUST TOLD ME THAT SHE'S GETTING BACK TOGETHER WITH HER EX xDDDD AND I GENUINELY THINK SHE THINKS SHE JUST BROKE UP WITH ME BECAUSE SHE SAID WE CAN STILL REMAIN FRIENDS AND I'M LIKE WE WEREN'T EVEN DATING XDDDD And I didn't plan to tell her about you but I took my chance to tell her that I'm in love with someone else and have always been in love with someone else and I will only ever want her and will only date her xD Her is obviously you. But mAn that is such a relief that she's gonna go and bother someone else xD Now she won't be touching my knee in public or trying to buy me stuff. pHeW. And she just said thanks for understanding and her crush took her phone and said she wanted to make it clear that they're gonna be together and I'm sat here giggling like why is this so dramatic for no reason bro we were only ever just friends xD WELL THANK GOODNESS FOR THAT. Now she can leave me alone. Her crush just told me she and Oktavia only stopped talking for a month and she was already flirting with me xDD And I was just like I KNOW I JUST WANTED FRIENDS and she said she definitely had no intention of just being friends xD And I just told her she didn't have to worry about me because I was in love with someone else. AND THEN OKTAVIA GETS HER PHONE BACK AND SAYS HER CRUSH DELETED THE WHOLE CONVERSATION AND I'M LIKE BRO- XDDDDDDD I was afraid of saying anything mean but she deleted so I wish I'd been more brutal now xD

Ohhhhh that was a funny minute. At least that drama is over with xD

Aaaanyway I'm gonna have a shower and sleep because I am exhaaaausted. I hope work is going okayyyyy and you have a good day today my love. I am sending all my love and cuddles and kisses. I love youuuuuuuuuuu babyyyyyyyyyy. Muah <3

Yours forever,

Your moving rock <3