Letters to My Love

14/08/24

My precious, sweet girl,

If you hadn't broken up with me we would've been dating for 14 months today. We could've fixed it yknow. We still can. Easily. If we just forgive and move past it. If we learn from what went wrong and try again. But you won't. But I'm still hoping. Funny that, I feel like I've got nothing left and I want to give up, and I sleep on it, and I still want you. I still love you. I still hope. But you just gave up with the drop of a hat. Just like that. With me, I will try and try, I will fight for someone, I will be loyal until the very end no matter how hurt I am, I will wait and I will never give up. So when I do, you know you've really lost me. You know you've really pushed me past the point of trying anymore. Because I'm not the type of person to do that. I'll fight until my very last breath. And I don't know how far away you are from losing me forever Kyra. Maybe a few more rejections, I don't know. But I'm still here now and I'm gonna send your presents on our anniversary, I don't care if you reply or not because like I'm a trigger, you're my trigger too. But at least I sent your gifts and made sure I said happy anniversary. At least I showed I care. After that, I'll say merry Christmas. But after that you won't hear from me until your birthday. I may not have given up on you, but you can come to me. I won't go to you. If you ever decide you want to try again, you gotta prove it. I'm not trying to say this in a mean way, but you've reached this point with me now that I now have a guard, just like you, except I still want to try again. Which is not like you. It just makes me wonder if you really loved me. I know I'm getting in my head now and forgetting everything you ever did for me. I'm sorry. You did love me, with all your heart, and there wasn't a thing in the world you wouldn't do for me. Not a thing except fix our relationship. No, you won't try and do that with me. There's a lot of things you won't do for me now probably. Maybe it'll change, maybe you'll always hate me now. But unless you come back wanting to fix things, I'll leave you be. And I mean fix things in any way. Because maybe if we make more memories, you'll remember the good times before and maybe you'll wanna try again. You might change your mind one day, but I won't be the one to reach out. I say that now but who knows what urges I'll get. I could cave if I miss you too much. I change my mind too just as you do but as of right now this is how I feel.

Well anyway I'll stop talking about that. I feel kinda rubbish this morning, because I'm thinking about you and our happy memories. Compared to now. Ive been trying to distract myself as much as possible to push it from my mind but I keep getting flashes. And with a photographic memory I see and feel everything again like it was. Like just then as I typed I had a flashback to getting back in and immediately taking my top off because it was so hot and then eating cereal even though it was the middle of the day and your music playing. And just then when we got lost in that building in the middle of town and then going into shops so I didn't faint. Aaand going to that vending machine near coco d'or and it never working. Going shopping for food and walking across the beach and going to coral strand for sushi. Oh that reminds me, there's a place here called coco d'or and tHaT triggered me. I don't know what it was, like a salon or something. And there's a place in george street in the cbd where you can cut through the ground floor of a building to the other street, and it looked and reminded me of the building we got lost in. That was also triggering. Not to mention on the way to st ives, going over the hill, the view literally looks like the view of beau vallon when you're going to bel air. It sucks. Cuz then I get flashbacks of travelling with you sleeping on my lap in Leroy's car when we were going to the beach. And I can feel the atmosphere and feel what I felt and I can see you and hear you and I see it all and feel the heat and smell everything and it's so heartbreaking for me. I hate it. And even right now I just felt my hands and they're too dry so I'm gonna put lotion on them, but it reminds me when I had dry hands at boathouse and I really hated the texture and you were asking all these random people if they had any lotion I could use before I had a panic attack. And when I went back to England you made a little care bag for me for the next time I came so we didn't end up in that situation again. I really miss you. Maybe one day there will be a next time. I just have to give you time.