Jules & Lilith // lore & 'analysis'

Jules

That's why committing a relationship scares him deeply. He's not fit for such a thing in his eyes. He's not fit for giving one person his "love". He knows how to put up a loving facade,yes. But actual love? Without anything fake? That scares him deeply. Showing his vulnerable side is something that rarely happens and if it does happen he will get incredibly angry at himself,taking starvation or selfharm as a form to punish himself. Jules isn't even sure what it means to be human.

Humanity disgusts him in fact. All the crimes commited? Disgusting creatures. How could they do such a thing? Of course he's a human but he probably feels like some sort of superior towards the other pathetic ones.
The fact he had been raised with nothing but abuse also didn't really help his development. Viewing abuse as a form of lovr has become completely normal to him. It's what he thinks is natural,no one taught him a different way.

Perhaps the fact Lilith knows how to love disturbs Jules even more. How can she do that,but not him?  Probably a question stuck on his mind every single day. Also their mother perhaps slightly favoured Lilith which only stirred his hatred towards her. She favored Lilith because she wasn't "cursed" (something she would call Jules → "the cursed child"),because she would just take the abuse,while Jules put up a fight at some point. Her favourism wasn't big,only subtle but enough to be noticed by Jules.

Things she used to show her favourism: giving Lilith more food then Jules (even if still not enough) , giving Lilith a little more freedom then Jules , putting Lilith up as the "better" twin or saying things such as "oh yeah lili..ah she's such an angel, isn't she?" Or telling people that already at the twins birth he was different. Saying things such as that Lilith would be so quiet,sooo easy to get to sleep but Jules would just cry and whine constantly making her believe her child was some sort of devil.

All that doesn't mean that she treated Lilith better,not at all. But those subtle things made Jules question himself even more. Made him start believing that maybe,maybe he was really the cursed twin. The broken one.
Maybe his deep fear of admitting he's gay comes from that,that would be yet another thing to tell him that something about him is deeply "wrong". Maybe all he ever wanted to be was to be perfect. But he failed miserably.

While Lilith somehow turned out normal (got her weird perks obviously),Jules just remained the cursed one. Doomed to never be anything more than that. Perhaps his anger just stirs from that.

Up to his adulthood,being locked in still scares him. Dark and small rooms still send him into a spiral of silent panic. And probably he'll never let go of that.

Jules loves in a way that not many people would view as normal. Hell barely anyone even gets his love and when they do they don't understand it. The only people ever understanding it at least somehow were Lilith and maybe Alex.

Lilith only understands it because they were always together,she knows exactly how Jules work. Ask her what is going on inside of him at the moment and she'll probably know. Alex is still learning, trying to understand Jules. But it's not like Jules gives that away easily.

His goal is to set up a perfect illusion. To seem at least somehow human and not like a devil or cursed. After all even he just wants to be normal. Wants people to genuinely like him. But how can anyone truly love him when all he gives off is a façade? When all he shows are fake emotions? Because all they love is an illusion of the human he wants to be. The human he wants to be so much that it's already tearing him apart. Probably so much that he just keeps losing himself in the monster he was born into. Turning more and more into nothing more than a shadow of something horrible.

He would never admit if something is bothering him (a lot is lol) because he believes showing sadness is a weak thing, something that makes him even more unworthy than he already is.