Rainy Days

4

The ride to the doctor's office is quiet. Yoongi has his hand on my thigh and I hold his index finger with my hand. He knows I'm nervous, and that the looming feeling of him going away may be too much for me to handle. But I try to look brave, to make it seem I have control over everything that's going on in our lives. He parks the car and waits for me to unhook my seatbelt before he walks out and opens the door for me. He has always treated me like that, like a gentleman. Our first date, he brought me flowers, red roses, with a tiny card that just said: "With love, Yoongi". I have carried this card in my wallet since then, and he doesn't know. His handwriting, a bit messy, but clear enough for me to read the message, always reminds me of waves crashing into the shore. His letters have a curve to them that I find elegant and sexy, like I find his raspy voice ethereal. I've heard him sing, rap, and talk to people with that voice, and every time, it sends shivers down my spine.

We make our way to the doctor's office on the eleventh floor without saying a word. He's wearing a face mask to avoid people from recognizing him. We sit together after checking in and I can feel Yoongi's feet shaking, something he does when he's nervous. The bench shakes with his movements and I hold his hand to try to calm him down. He smiles with his eyes, since I can't see the lower part of his face. A tv is showing a sports recap on the screen and I can feel my heart on my throat, chocking me, almost making me faint, at the sight of so many posters and pictures of happy families, smiling babies, mothers-to-be grinning at the fictitious camera. I'm not one of those mothers carrying their babies gracefully on their arms, bundled and warm, with tiny little fingers wrapped around their own. No, I'm not like them at all, and I feel the emptiness at the pit of my stomach at the memory that my baby is now just a pile of ashes. Just when I'm about to burst into tears and press my fingers on Yoongi's palm, my name is called and Yoongi stands up and extends his hand to help me get up from the chair.

Once inside, I'm prompted to undress and wear a robe for the check-up. Yoongi turns around, to give me privacy, which I think is cute. I jump to the table and the doctor comes in and checks on me like she has done many times before. Her touch, gentle and caring, makes me feel a bit more comfortable. After a thorough exam, I'm instructed to get dressed and go to her office. Yoongi kisses the top of my head once I sit on the chair facing the doctor.

"You've lost some weight, Brie..." she starts.

"I... I haven't been hungry that much..." I retort while I look at Yoongi who has taken his face mask off.

"She's eating better now..." he says with a defensive tone.

"I don't want you to lose any more weight, Brie... understood?" the doctor says with an authoritative tone and I nod. "Your scar looks much better now... any pain?"

"Sometimes..." I reply.

"Can you tell me more about it?" she drops her pen and looks at me with intention.

"I mean... they feel like cramps... a few are very strong, but they don't last long..." I say wrapping my arms around me.

"Any bleeding?" she continues.

"Just some spotting now... nothing like before..."

"That's good..." she smiles at me. "The ultrasound looks clean, Brie... and you c-section scar looks good... now let me ask you something... how are you? Not physically... but... mentally..." she keeps looking at me.

"I... I am..." I stumble upon my words. "I'm okay... I guess... I don't know..."

"Would you like me to refer you to someone you can talk to?"

"A psychiatrist? No... it's okay..." I deny firmly.

"Brie..." Yoongi says reaching for my hand. "Maybe it's a good idea..."