Rainy Days

1

The dread of walking out of the bathroom was overwhelming. I sit there, on the cold-tiled floor, waiting for the time to pass me by. I can feel him outside, leaning against the door, expecting me to come out soon. I bet he knows. I bet he knows what's going on, but he can't find the courage to say anything until I speak first. But I'm at a loss for words and my eyes are flooded with tears. I can't believe how fragile life is and how stupid I was to feel attached to something, someone I didn't even know. My heart aches as much as my body. Throbbing pains all over me, make me shake in disbelief. So fragile. So stupid.

I could still remember the day I told him about it. How scared I was in contrast to how excited he got. He held me tight for what felt like an eternity. He whispered in my ear that everything was going to be okay, that he was going to be by my side, always, and that he loved me more than he could ever imagined loving someone. I cried so much in his arms his excitement turned into worry. He held me there, wiping my tears, without saying a word, letting me process this life-changing situation. At one point, I stopped crying and realized it was not all so bad, if I was with him. If he promised to be with me and help me go through it, there was no reason to feel so hopeless, so fragile, so stupid.

And he kept his promise. He made me his one and only priority. He looked at me with the same eyes, filled with love, as the first day we met. He was caring, soft, and looked like he had been waiting for this his whole life. His voice, deep and raspy, against my skin in my stomach, sometimes would wake me up in the middle of the night, and he will stop, feeling embarrassed. He was everything he said he would be. He held my hand when I was feeling scared and he was my refuge when I needed some comfort. He was busy, but he never made feel like I was an obligation to him. He was there, always smiling, with his gummy smile, with his shiny eyes, with his soft and pearly skin, with his hands holding mine, with his calm breathing, with every inch of his soul.

He went down on one knee for me. Not that I didn't want to marry him, but I didn't want to make him feel he owed me that because of what had happened. But I said yes, without hesitation. Because I loved him. Because I learned to love what we have created. Life. So fragile. So stupid. But I loved him how I never thought I could. And I love the feeling of having a part of him growing inside of me. I was already showing, when we decided to tell everyone. He announced it like he was announcing world peace. With hope, emotion, and a few tears. They all burst into a congratulatory laughter, hugging both of us, wishing as well. I was dazed from all the attention and he noticed. Like he always noticed when I was in the brink of a panic attack or when I was suddenly getting a weird craving. He was more than my future husband, he was my soulmate, my other half. And I hoped, deeply, I was his.

There were days I didn't see him. Days when I wanted to share so many things with him, like the first time I felt it move, or when I got the envelope with the most precious information on it. I promised I'd wait to open it whenever he would come back. I almost let my curiosity win, but remembered how his face would light when we would read the content of the envelope, together. Life was looking good at us, when we drove all the way to the top of a hill to see the sunset and learned we were having a little girl. A jolt of joy filled my lungs, almost choking me. He held me again, soft, but firmly, and whispered in my ear he would always take care of both of us. Then, I felt a few tears rolling down his cheeks, he quickly wiped with the back of his hand. Life felt so fragile then, but less stupid somehow.

Weeks passed and I can hardly remember how they were. I bet I was happy, by his side. He was a staple in my life, he was always there, when I needed him the most. When I felt scared, he would reassure me everything was going to be alright. And I believed him. So stupid. Those promises, so fragile.