Rainy Days

7

On the sixth night, I wake up shivering. My body, achy, tells me I have a fever. My breasts are tender and I'm nauseous. The doctor said it was normal, but I didn't take it seriously. I reach out for the glass of water on my nightstand and I sip a few times, breathing deeply, when the whole room start spinning. I lay down again and check the time on my phone: 2:46 am. I'm sweaty and my heart is racing and I can feel my joints getting stiff. Not having Yoongi by my side has made me frail and miserable. I want the night to go faster, to bring the sun out quickly, to make it closer for me to be able to hug him like there's no tomorrow. But the minutes feel slower, the mornings drag, and the nights are tiresomely long. The only thing that's keeping me going is our daily video call. When I can see his face, his smile, feel him closer to me. We spend too little time on the phone because of his busy schedule, and we have barely mention Lily. Maybe he doesn't want to talk about her, or maybe he doesn't want to upset me, knowing I'm by myself and that my mental health is not in a good place at the moment. I want him to come back, truthfully, but I can't tell him that. I can't tell him I'm failing at being alone, that I count the minutes, the hours, until I talk to him, that I have barely eaten, and that I miss being pregnant. I do. I miss the feeling of having someone inside of me, loving me unconditionally. I want to tell him I want to try again, that I want to be a mother. But I keep it to myself, because I know I'm delusional. I'm not okay. I can't be a mother. Not yet. And he knows that. We just started feeling comfortable with each other again, and I don't want to ruin the progress we've made. I want to move forward, to strengthen our relationship, to continue growing together. 

The only productive thing I've done since he left is ordering a few wedding magazines. I do want to marry him, to walk down the aisle and promise my forever love to him. But I'm also scared. I'm scared of the stares, of the pity, of the comments behind my back. I'm afraid of how I would reply to the very normal question of how am I doing considering what happened. Our family and friends have been wonderful, but I think they are just putting out a show for us, for Yoongi and I, to feel less bad about the whole situation. They were as much excited about Lily as we were. And that excitement doesn't go away easily. The explanations, the logic, the medical terms, are nothing, when you are grieving. Everything seems so fragile, so stupid again. But marrying Yoongi means I'll be his forever. And that, is what I really want. I plan to tell him I want a small wedding, with just our small families, the guys, and a few friends. And I want to go away with him after. I want to get away from Seoul, and land in a paradisaical place, only the two of us and the sunset. I want to breath his essence 24 hours a day and I want to tell him how much he means to me. And how much Lily meant to both of us. And maybe then, I'll tell him I'm ready, that we should start thinking about having another baby. I plan to be the happiest person the moment I see those two lines paint the pregnancy test and I won't make the same mistakes I made with Lily. The beeps from the thermometer confirm I have a fever and brings me back to reality. I grab my phone and dial Yoongi's number out of memory.

"Babe, is everything okay? It's two in the morning over there!" Yoongi says in one breath.

"I'm okay... just have a fever..." I reply putting the call on speaker.

"Oh no... I bet you're feeling horrible..." he replies and I can hear him closing a door.

"Sorry... you must be busy... I didn't mean to interrupt..."

"Nonsense... you never interrupt, and I'm never busy for you..."

"Yoongi..."

"Yes, baby?"

"Are you going to bring me the chocolates I like?"

"I already bought them..." he replies with excitement in his voice.

"You're the best..." I say closing my eyes.

"I can ask the doctor to come and take a look..." Yoongi offers.