sorry if i scared anyone with the notification lmao im just getting a start on prepping chaos theory for the rewrite teehee
TW: vomit, everyone is sad, angst x10000, kinda assault(?) (not from Lloyd dw dw)
• Set after the events of chapter 65 (tbe)
• This is so very not canon to tbe to the extent that I never even entertained the idea of this while planning last year lmfao
• It is just that bad
• Also remember the TBE 500k one shot where I warned y'all to find somewhere comfy because it was 12,000 words?
• Yeah. This one shot is 24,200 words. So.
• Settle in? :)
"Are you sure this is something that you want to go through with? Once it's in place, there will be no going back."
I thought I had cried all the tears I could've over the past month, but I found my eyes stinging with more all the same. I balled my fists at my sides and gave a determined, albeit shaky, nod.
Neuro's crestfallen face deepened further into a look of pitied remorse as he eyed me, trembling on the rooftop of my home. I was beyond distraught, anyone could tell, with my sunken eyes, greasy hair and general misery. I was terrified of what I was asking for, but I was terrified more of what would happen if I continued living the way I had been.
A lot of people go through break ups and a lot of the time, they hurt. I understood this - trust me, I did - but somehow, this felt different than your everyday, run-of-the-mill dreary end. It was more than just a piece of me being ripped out and feeling hollow. It was more than feeling like I'd never be able to recover from my high school ex-boyfriend's dumping. It was so much worse.
Because not everybody had their relationship dictated by prophecies, and not everybody had their emotions ruled by an incessant, universe-driven yearn to be by their loved one's side. Not the way we did.
And that made Lloyd's decision hurt all the more. It wasn't a measly 'block the number and never talk to them again.' It was irreversible, finalising. It was a universal-level restraining order of the highest kind;
Because for me to be removed from the prophecies was to never, never see Lloyd again.
And that's what he wanted.
I cried when I learnt that. Of course I did. Ever since the stupid fight where my emotions and doubt lead me blindly through a raging fire, I'd been crying in regret and pain. I was trying to protect myself and all that I did was hurt myself and the person most precious to me.
It was the stupidest fucking thing I ever did. But I did it, and now I had to live with my monumental mistake.
I tried to distract myself, tried to wait for the pain to lessen, but it never did subside. It was forever coursing through my veins like poison, calling for Lloyd, crying for him, screaming his name. I could only stand aside and respect his wishes.
Every atom of me ached. I ached for Lloyd.
Yes, I knew that I deserved it. I did. What I inflicted on Lloyd was unforgivable and sickening and haunted my every breath. I felt it in the back of my head, hounding me, berating me, calling me weak and cowardly and stupid and dumb.
I was dumb. A moron. A total idiot. I knew this. I knew this. They wouldn't stop telling me. It was a record on repeat.
And it was painful. I was in pain from trying to stay away, but I was more in pain living with what I did to Lloyd. He wanted to move on, live a life without me. He left me behind to cry and wallow and generally be a miserable heap of useless flesh. And I couldn't blame him.
But it'd been three months. Twelve weeks. Ninety-one days. The pain hadn't lessened. I struggled to breathe on the daily. I just wanted to move on and forget, because that's clearly what Lloyd wanted to do.
