TW: panic attack
The weekend was looking to be quiet.
I expected to fall back into the two-day solitude trip that I usually did before I met Lloyd, doing nothing but wasting the days away with half-hearted study and attempts to binge watch whatever series showed up in my recommended that held my attention for long enough.
The weather was reasonably nice for the time of season - early spring was usually so temperamental, yet the wind was still and the sky was blue. I should've been organising to do something outside. Something productive, something with friends.
I couldn't be bothered.
I could barely sleep properly, let alone find the energy to do anything outside of school. Naps were broken and useless. Nightmares played on loop. I was existing in a bubble of my own struggle.
I had planned to waste away the weekend feeling mopey and depressed when my wildly busy schedule of doing absolutely nothing was rudely interrupted via text. I lazily lifted my phone to eye level from where I was dutifully sprawled across the couch.
And that was how I found myself in a cafe sunday afternoon, sat across from Chen. I stared blankly at the mousy brown of the hot chocolate in front of me, swirling merrily, lazily. I envied its ease. The ceramic's heat burnt my palms but I could barely register it.
"You gonna tell me what's going on between you and Lloyd?" Chen asked, sipping his own green tea as his brown eyes stared at me expectantly. My downcast gaze continued to stare dumbly at my untouched drink.
"Lloyd dumped me."
"What?!" Chen sat up abruptly at my monotonous reply, spilling hot tea over his fingers at the movement. He hissed in pain and I finally glanced up in worry, but he didn't pay his red mini-limbs any mind, simply wiping them off with a napkin. "He broke up with you?"
"Yeah."
"Nooooo!" Chen whined, almost slamming his mug down onto the table. "You guys were so cute! Boyfriend goals, girlfriend goals, relationship goals - the whole package!"
"Yeah, well," I mumbled to myself - bordering on bitter while I took a sip of my hot beverage. "Good things don't last, clearly."
"How did it happen?"
"It was my fault," I admitted quietly, shaking my head as I held my throbbing temple. "It was my fault for him breaking up with me."
"He seems pretty pissed," Chen agreed.
"So he should," I grunted, dropping my cheek onto the table sullenly. "Given how I treated him. I just- I just wish I could take everything back."
Chen hummed, wiping up his spilt mess with a napkin. A small group of girls a few years younger than us entered the cafe, laughter of chimes and bells.
"What would have you done differently?" Chen asked, balling his napkin and placing it aside. "Thrown in a hot make out session so he wouldn't leave? Maybe even hit tier fifteen?"
I snorted quietly. My cheek pushed against the wooden gloss of the table.
"No," I replied dryly before my expression softened with pained regret. "I would've made myself calm down before talking to him. I was running on emotions when I really should have had a clear head."
Chen nodded in silent understanding.
"Are you still going to sit with them?"
"No," I sighed again, lifting myself up only to drop my forehead into my palm. "He was there for five minutes on Friday before I couldn't take it any longer. The tension is way too thick. It'd be unfair to make the rest of them sit through that, too."
"Okay, let me rephrase," Chen said, leaning forward. "What do you want?"
I lifted my eyes to him. That was a hard question; there were a lot of things I wanted. Main one was a hug, namely from Lloyd. Second was just to have him back. I also wanted a lot of trivial things, too, like teachers who were easier on my grades and another pair of heelies since their comeback. But that wasn't the type of question Chen was asking.
What do I want? What do I want to do, realistically? What can I will into existence simply by gathering that needed courage?
"I want to apologise to Lloyd," I finally replied, voice small. "I want him to know that I still care for him, even if he never wants to see me again. If anything, I want closure."
"... you really think you two won't get back together?"
"I..." I broke off to huff heavily, eyes downcast. "I don't know. These prophecies... they've been altered once. They can change again. Maybe Lloyd will force me to take the 'get out of jail free' card and step back from them. God knows what'll happen if it comes down to that."
"Okay, alright," Chen said, straightening in his seat and holding me down with a loaded stare. "Forget about the prophecies. Forget about everything in your lives that isn't considered, I dunno, normal? For a teenage relationship, that is. Because that is what's the core of all this. What about then?"
"It's not that simple," I denied, shaking my head. "Lloyd isn't even 'normal' himself."
"Then, for the sake of this discussion, pretend he is."
