The Sorrows of Young Lotte: Letters from the Heart

Beneath the Morning Stars

June 17th, 1826

Dear Dorothy,

You won't believe when I tell you what had happened yesterday, or more precisely, this morning. When you left with the gentleman you met, I was left alone with William. We sat on a bench in the park and talked for a moment. But I noticed again that he was looking at me in a special way. This time it was much more intense than last. You could see the lust in his eyes. I asked him "What are you doing? Why are you giving me that look?", to which he smiled, again - it was the sweet, innocent, but also lustful smile in its own special way; I don't know what it is about it but it really is an unique smile that always draws me further in. He leaned in slowly towards my lips and said "I want to kiss you".  I was stunned but managed to back away because at first I didn't want to kiss him - I just knew it would be wrong. It wouldn't be fair to Hans. But deep inside it was something I wanted this whole time. I asked him why he wanted to kiss me specifically and his answer couldn't be simpler: "Because you are so beautiful". I have to admit that I didn't take him seriously, considering that he clearly found so many other women "so beautiful", yet I was the one he knew would fall for him. So I jokingly, but also in a slightly petty, criticising way asked him why he didn't stay with the woman I saw him earlier with - you probably remember that we saw John and William accompanied by those two unknown women, flirting with them. He then gave me - again - a very simple answer: he just wasn't interested in her as much he was interested in me. After about half an hour and William's numerous attempts to steal a kiss I let my guard down. And we kissed. I cannot find the right words to describe how I felt in this very moment. I just couldn't believe what was happening in that moment - is this real? Am I in heaven? Is this all just a dream? - those were the thoughts I was having as it all was happening. I then stopped kissing him because I instantly felt guilty of what I just did. We continued to sit on that bench and talked about everything - our love lives first. He confessed that he and his fiancée decided to end their relationship because of the distance - he, or both of them - I am not sure because he didn't say it himself - got tired of it so it was for the best. I then told him that I was in a similar situation - my fiancé being away from me and traveling often because of his job, so we don't see each other for two, sometimes even three months. To what I just told him he said, or suggested - I don't know how to interpret  this - to let him know next time if I feel lonely and he will come and keep me company. I didn't know what to think. We sat and talked until the sunrise. It was around five in the morning and we both had to go home. Because I live far away from that place I had to wait for a carriage. He asked if I could walk him to his house because he wasn't feeling well, to which of course I said yes. As we were walking he tried to kiss me again, multiple times, but this time I kept refusing to do it, because I am still engaged and kissing him more than once would make it even worse, even though I really wanted it. He then asked me if I could hold his hand, so I gave him my hand. I don't know why but it just felt right. If someone saw us, they would probably think we were a couple - maybe we even were a couple for that moment at least. He kept asking me if I would kiss him just once more and I kept declining. I was really proud of how contained I was and how well I could control myself. We stood in front of his house, where I waited for a carriage to arrive. He offered me to stay at his home and spend the night (or the morning, considering that it was probably half past five at that point), but I politely declined his offer, because I knew how far it would go. We sat on a bench next to his house and waited. He asked if he could hug me and I allowed it. He hugged me so gently, I got the goosebumps. I felt loved and was in love. He then kissed my shoulder so gently, it felt as if we were together and in love with each other for years. We sat like that in complete silence and enjoyed the moment. I felt so calm, that now I don't even regret what I did. I felt so safe and sound. The carriage then arrived finally and I stood up. I thanked him for keeping me company while waiting for a carriage to go home, hugged him and... kissed him and jumped quickly into the carriage and left. You should have seen the expression on his face - it was so cute how confused he was. I just know that he didn't expect that to happen, frankly neither did I know I would do that. I went to bed so happy, I just can't find the words to describe my happiness. I know it now - I am head over heels in love with him.

Love, 

Lotte