Fall Away (joshler)

01: Lightless

Tyler lay in the back of the tour bus, staring at the bunk above him. He felt empty and alone, it was a feeling he hadn't had in a long time and he was getting scared. Thoughts rushed through his cluttered mind, each one worse than the other. He was getting bad again, but he didn't want to. He wanted to be better.

But maybe it would be okay if he went back to how he used to be.

The door to the bunks slid open and Tyler quickly looked over, distracting himself from his thoughts. Josh walked through, paying little mind to the bundle of sadness residing in the corner of a bottom bunk. He kicked his shoes off and climbed into a bed above Tyler. A shirt fell to the floor and Tyler could hear Josh moving above him.

"Good night, Ty." Josh said through a yawn.

Tyler sniffled quietly and whispered a goodnight back. He knew he was going to quietly cry himself to sleep while his best friend slept happily above him with no clue of what was happening.

He would be alright. This was the tough part of recovery, Josh had even said so. But it would pass. It would be okay.

Curling into a small ball, Tyler hoped he wasn't just lying to himself.

//

Morning came too fast for Tyler. He felt like he hadn't slept at all and wanted to do nothing more than stay in his cocoon of blankets and sleep all day. That's all he was feeling recently.

Josh obviously wasn't feeling the same way. The blue-haired boy was wide awake, eating cereal and watching cartoons happily. Tyler envied his friend's happiness. He missed his own.

"Come sit with me, Mr. Sleepy." Josh patted the spot right next to him.

Tightly wrapped in a blanket, Tyler shuffled to the spot. He still felt empty, but much less alone. Being around Josh seemed to have a strange effect on him. Not that Tyler was alone, he knew he wasn't, but he felt less empty. It wasn't by much, yet it happened. Maybe that was why Tyler had always been so attached to Josh, because he made him feel more alive.

"Hey, sleepy," Josh nudged his friend with his elbow. "What ya thinking about?"

Tyler rubbed his eyes and ran his hand through his hair, arching his back to stretch. "Not much. How about you?"

"I'm watching TV, Ty." Josh set his empty bowl to the side and leaned back. "No need to think."

A small smile crept to Tyler's face at his friend's reply. But this was just temporary small talk between the two. It may have kept Tyler's thoughts away but it didn't help forever. He wished it could though. He wished he could just sit with Josh like he was; shoulder to shoulder, legs almost on top of each other. Tyler wished the physical contact and the stupid conversations he loved were enough to make him happy again. But wishes didn't come true; not for Tyler at least.

Silence filled the room, awkward and tense. Josh cleared his throat and turned away from the cartoons that were still on. "Can... Can I see your arms?"

Tyler moved slightly away from Josh. It had been a while since he was asked that, and it made him feel as though his best friend didn't trust him. But Tyler wasn't stupid, yes he had made mistakes in the past but he was different now.

"Tyler, please. I just want to know you're still safe and that everything is alright."

"Why wouldn't everything be alright?" Tyler quickly asked, probably too defensively. "I'm fine, I promise."

Josh ran a hand through his faded hair, pulling it slightly. "I've promised people things too and I've lied. I trust you to be safe, but you've just been so distant lately. You always used to be that way..." He took a moment to keep his voice from shaking. "I don't want you to be like that again, it hurts me to see you that way."

Tyler felt guilt now. He felt guilty he had once hurt Josh. He felt guilty for starting to feel empty again, for feeling like he wasn't really worth enough. "I know, I'm sorry. I've just had a lot on my mind recently." Lies. "But I promise you that I'm okay. I'm safe and I would tell you if I wasn't or if I was afraid I would do something like that again."

"I know you would, I just want to be sure." Quick breaths were taken for a moment. "Can I please see your arms? Please, Ty."

With shaking hands, Tyler rolled his sleeves up. He didn't have anything there except for marks of what had once happened, he didn't have anything to be scared or nervous about. But he was still afraid. Both of what he had once done and what he could do again and he didn't want Josh to be hurt.

Josh gently grabbed Tyler's wrists, then put his hands together before folding his own over them. He lightly kissed Tyler's fingers before resting his forehead to them.

"I'm sorry I'm so paranoid sometimes. I just... I love you." Josh's voice was quiet and soft.

"I love you too," Tyler whispered back. "I'll stay safe."

'I will keep the lights on in this place' he thought, referring to his mind. 'Because I don't want to fall away'.

But Tyler wasn't sure if he could do that. His mind had gotten so bad in the last month he was afraid of what would happen soon. He didn't want to spiral out of control like he once did. He didn't want to fall back to his old habits and into the comfort of his old self. But he wasn't sure how long he would be able to keep out of the dark depths of his own mind.

//So that was the first chapter. Kinda lame, kinda short. I just wanted to get it over with to continue because the first chapter is always the most awkward for me to write. Anyway, hope you liked it. Until next time, stay alive//