Fall Away (joshler)

03: Lies

Nobody loves you, Tyler.

That voice was back. The voice that belonged to Tyler but was different.

Nobody cares about you. You're replaceable and so easy to get rid of.

Why haven't you gotten rid of yourself yet? It will make everything so much easier for everyone else.

Are you trying to be strong? You aren't strong, Tyler. You're weak and you know it, Tyler. Tyler. TyleR. TylER. TyLER. TYLER. TYLER.

"TYLER!"

He was woken up by yelling. Yelling and banging on the door.

"Tyler, please..." The voice trailed off and the banging got quieter. "Ty..."

It was Josh, He was probably scared; Tyler didn't even know how long he had been asleep. His face was dry, his side hurt, and he was cold.

"I-I'll be out in just a second, Josh. I'm sorry." Tyler said the words quietly, he was afraid Josh knew what he had done.

"Ty. Are you okay? Is everything okay?"

Tyler nodded before realizing Josh couldn't see him. "Yep. I'm okay. I just fell asleep but um, I'll be out in a few minutes."

He could hear Josh moving around outside, he was probably sitting down to wait now that he knew Tyler was safe. But really, Tyler wasn't safe. He probably never would be.

Slowly, Tyler stood up, his face dry from tears. He stared at himself in the mirror for a few moments before grabbing tissue paper and getting it wet. He cleaned the slightly dry blood from his stomach and the little bit that had gotten on the floor.

There weren't many bandages in the bathroom, but thankfully there was a big one he could use. He would have to go get more and hope Josh didn't notice the sudden abundance of band-aids. That would cause Josh to worry, and Tyler didn't want that.

"Tyler?"

"Yeah, hold on." Tyler took a deep breath and flushed the toilet. He took one last look in the mirror before turning around and slowly opening the door.

Josh's eyes lit up as he saw Tyler. But slowly faded as the thought of what could have happened came to mind. His breaths were rough, just as Tyler's had been.

Tyler noticed it and put a small smile on his face. "I'm okay. Don't worry. I promise I'm okay."

The blue haired boy nodded and looked down at his friend's covered wrists. "Can... can I please see your wrists?" Tyler didn't respond or move. "Tyler... Tyler please."

With shaking hands, he moved his sleeves up. Tyler didn't know why he was so scared, there was nothing on his wrists but bad memories.

There was silence between the two as Josh checked Tyler's arms. Silence and tension. Silence and fear. Silence and sorrow. Regret. Hope. Not happy hope. The hope that nothing had happened. Hope that everything was okay. Hope that Tyler was safe, hope that Josh wouldn't realize what Tyler had done.

As Josh slowly made his way up his friend's arms, Tyler took ragged breathes. He knew there was an extremely small chance that Josh was look under his shirt, but he couldn't help himself as he worried. And he didn't regret the decision just yet, but he regretted making Josh scared. Making him worry. He wished he had kept this to himself. Waited until Josh wouldn't have noticed. He wished he had never gone out that day.

"Thank you."

Tyler looked up from the ground, unknowingly staring at his shoes. He managed to get out, "What for?"

"For staying safe." Josh had a small smile on his face, but sadness was still in his eyes.

"Oh... of course." Tyler wanted to smile back but couldn't. Instead he looked down at Josh's hands that were holding his.

There was silence once again, but there wasn't space between them. Josh tightly held Tyler, gripping his back and he pulled him closer. It hurt Tyler but he didn't make a noise. Instead he hugged back, wrapping his arms around Josh and burying his head into Josh's neck.

"I love you, Tyler."

Josh said the words all the time, because he really did love Tyler. And Tyler always said them back. They always meant it when they said it. But this time it was different. It was the kind of 'I love you' that wasn't said much. The kind that spoke more words in a situation than either of the two could even think of. It was the kind of 'I love you' that meant that everything would be alright. They were both safe, they had each other. The kind of 'I love you' that really meant 'I'm here for you and I always will be'.

Tyler grabbed Josh's shirt and held back tears. He couldn't cry. He couldn't say anything back because he knew if he did that he would break down. And Josh was okay with that. He knew Tyler loved him too. And Josh didn't say it because he wanted to hear it back. He said it because he knew Tyler needed to hear it.

After a few minutes of the two standing and holding each other, Josh slowly pulled away but kept his hands on Tyler's arms.

"Let's go lay down, okay?"

Tyler only nodded. He was gently led to the bunks and was let in first, curling into a ball and Josh lay next to him. Neither really knew what to say. Tyler wanted to cry, and Josh wanted to keep Tyler safe.

"I love you."

The words were said again in the same tone.

"And I'm not just saying that, Tyler." Josh took a deep breath and wrapped an arm around Tyler. "I really do love you. And I care for you so much. And I hate seeing you like this and I'm sorry I wasn't able to help you. I just want you to stay safe, or at least careful if I can't stop you from doing bad things to yourself. Because, you don't deserve that, you understand? You don't deserve what you have to go through and I'm sorry you have to go through this, but I'm always here for you."

Tears managed to find their way from Tyler's eyes and were running across his face to the pillow. Tyler didn't want to cry. He didn't want to hurt Josh. He wanted everything to be okay and for everyone to be happy. It was an unrealistic thing to want but he wanted it anyway.

"Please promise you won't do anything bad. But if you do, you won't disappoint me, because you've been so strong for this time and I'm proud of you. I will be no matter what happens. But if you do anything, promise you'll be safe. That's all I want. For you to be safe." Josh said the words quickly, stumbling because he knew if he stopped at some points he wouldn't be helping at all.

Tyler took deep breaths and held back a whimper. "I promise you. I'm okay and I'll be safe."

"Are you sure, Ty?"

"Very... Believe me, I'm fine." He said the words so softly and so quietly it was like he hadn't said them.

'But I'm lying' he thought. 'I'm so very far from fine.'

He heard Josh say something but didn't understand him. The warmth that was against him left and he heard the bathroom door open and close. And then he heard the sound he never wanted to hear. The one he never wanted to cause.

Tyler heard Josh cry.

Tyler made Josh cry.

And he knew Josh could hear him cry too...