Fall Away (joshler)

04: Precious Time

It was quite a while before Josh stopped crying. Maybe half an hour, maybe more. Tyler didn't really know.

It took even more time until Josh finally came out of the bathroom. His eyes were still slightly red and little dots lined parts of his cheeks. Tyler felt terrible for lying, saying he was fine. He knew he should have said something, get help. But he didn't want help. Not right now, at least.

Josh sat on the couch and brought his knees to his chest, resting his chin on them and closing his eyes. He looked like art. That's all Tyler could think.

He knew he had probably made things awkward, but art is what Josh was. He was amazing. He was beautiful. He didn't deserve someone like Tyler. Someone so ugly, someone so empty. Someone so... broken.

Tyler wasn't good enough for Josh. He wasn't good enough for anyone. So why did the blue haired boy love him so much? Why did he care so much for a broken person?

He doesn't.

That stupid voice was back. The Not-Tyler.

You wonder why he loves you, you wonder why he cares about you? He doesn't. You're worthless. You're broken. Why would anyone care about someone as disgusting as you?

"Shut up."

Josh looked over at Tyler, a confused look on his face. "Did you say something?" His words were quiet and if they were written on paper they would be small. Nearly unreadable even.

Tyler let out a small 'no' and watched Josh nod his head and close his eyes again.

You think you can get rid of me. Ha, as if. Last time you tried that... well things didn't go so well, did they?

Tyler looked down at his arms, feeling the two dark scars sit on his skin. "I know. Just leave. I don't want you." He said these words quietly, he didn't need Josh hearing.

Why did you let me in then?

"I didn't."

You did though, Tyler. And you never got rid of me anyway, so I've always been here. Listening, watching.

Not-Tyler paused. He was always making everything more dramatic than it needed to be.

Waiting.

Tyler said nothing. He didn't want to encourage Not-Tyler.

Just say my name, Ty.

Tyler cringed when he heard him say that.  That was Josh's name for him.  Only Josh's...

 "I won't. I never will." Tyler felt a small tear drop down his face.  He was weak, but he wasn't that weak

Not-Tyler laughed. Whatever you say, Ty. But you will one day, don't worry. Until then, I'll be in the back of your mind.

"Ty?"

Tyler looked up from his arms to see Josh standing near the bunk. He looked worried. Had he heard Tyler talking?

"Yeah?"

Josh looked at the space next to Tyler and slowly sat down. "I'm sorry."

"W-what do you mean? Why are you apologizing?"

"Honestly, I'm not sure." Josh shrugged lightly and didn't look at Tyler. "I just wanted to say something. And I guess I'm sorry for not having been able to help you earlier."

Tyler's heart hurt at the thought of Josh blaming himself. "Don't blame yourself for what happened earlier, please. I just started overthinking and stuff... You know how I am." Tyler let a small laugh out and smiled shyly, hoping it would help Josh.

The blue-haired boy didn't speak but nodded his head. He lied next to Tyler and crossed his hands over his stomach, staring at the ceiling and Tyler copied him. It stayed silent for however long they lay there. Whether it was a few minutes or a few hours, neither knew and neither cared.

//

The next day things were a bit better.  Josh stayed with Tyler, the two played a few songs lazily, and they wrote a little bit.  Nothing exciting happened, but it cleared the air between them.  And that's what Tyler needed.  He hated feelings the awkwardness between him and Josh, he hated the tension there sometimes was, and it was always nice to be able to make everything more relaxed.

Tyler had no rush to tell Josh.  Tyler had no rush to do anything, really...

He felt like there was no need to do anything, and he didn't feel like he had the motivation to do anything.  Sad wasn't the right word to describe how he felt.  Tyler thought the word 'empty' fit it.  He felt like he was empty, just a shell of a person.

"You mean a lot to me, Ty." Josh said suddenly, rubbing Tyler's hand.

Tyler took a shaky breath and looked at their hands, his heart rate speeding up slightly.  "You mean a lot to me too."

Josh shook his head, looking up at the ceiling. "You don't understand. Like, I really care about you, Tyler.  You mean so much to me and I realized that yesterday when you had your panic attack."  He took a moment to think.  "I love you, Tyler.  Kinda... more than in a friend way..."  Josh's words were quiet.

Tyler looked at Josh.  He felt guilt and sadness, but he also felt happy.  Yet nothing came out of his mouth when he tried speak.

"I'm sorry." Josh stood up. "This is a stupid time to have said anything, I shouldn't have... You're probably still in a bit of panic and I'm sorry."

Tyler grabbed Josh's hand and stood up as well.  He didn't care about Not-Tyler right now.  He didn't care about the cuts and scars that covered his body.  He cared about Josh.

He very much cared about Josh. And he wanted to show that.

But he didn't.  As much as he wanted to, as much as he just wanted to pull Josh close and kiss him; Tyler knew that doing that would only cause Josh more pain if Tyler got worse.

Tyler looked at Josh before pulling him close.  He wanted so badly to just kiss him, to feel Josh's lips on his.  But Tyler just hugged him instead.  He grasped onto his shirt and as Josh wrapped his arms around Tyler's waist, he dropped his hands to Josh's chest and closed his eyes.

He cried.

He cried because Josh loved him.

He cried because he was weak.

He cried because he only wanted to show Josh how he loved him back, but he couldn't.  Not without hurting him more than he already had.

"I love you too, Josh."

"That's good."  Josh's voice was happy.

And so Tyler decided he would take his precious time.  He would wait until he was okay to kiss Josh.  Because he couldn't risk anything.  He didn't want to.

Because damn it, Tyler Joseph really did love the stupidly beautiful blue-haired boy.

// Yo I'm back and this chapter is like total shit but I gotta get this started like for real now and I haven't updated this story in like two months :////// oh well tho... hope you guys enjoyed :) 

-Stay Alive //

p.s || I wanna give a heads up that Blurry is gonna start making some appearances in here now that more shit has gone down

p.p.s || there probs wont be many author notes anymore bc i feel like they take away from the story so I'll just send out like info messages