sombre

phlox eulogies

05:55 AM - thursday september 2nd

the water was cold, colder than i expected, seeping into my bones, numbing everything except the voices. they were loud now, louder than ever, whispering, shouting, demanding. the surface broke above me, light refracting, bending, a distorted world i couldn't reach. i tried to remember what it felt like to breathe, but the memory slipped away, just like everything else.

there was peace in the silence, but it was heavy, pressing against my chest, pulling me down, down, down. the world above was a blur, soft edges, muted colors, a dream i once had but couldn't hold onto. it was september, wasn't it? early september, when the leaves start to change and the air smells different, crisper, but here, there was only cold, only dark, only the water that wrapped around me like a shroud.

time twisted, stretched thin, snapping back like a rubber band. was it hours? seconds? i didn't know anymore. everything bled together, a smudge of thought and feeling and fear. i closed my eyes, but the darkness was the same, inside, outside, no difference. i wanted to drift away, to let go, to stop fighting, but there was something, something small, something desperate that held on, that refused to disappear.

my lungs burned, but it was distant, a dull ache, like a bruise you forget until you press too hard. i thought of the surface, of the air, of the life that waited above, but it felt far away, unreal, like a story someone told me once. the voices argued, battled in my head, each one louder than the last, but i couldn't tell them apart anymore. they blended, a cacophony that reverberated in my skull, shaking everything loose.

i wanted to stay, to sink deeper, to find the quiet at the bottom, but there was movement, sudden, jarring, a force that pulled me up, dragging me back to where the light fractured into a million pieces. hands, strong, too strong, gripping my arms, my shoulders, lifting me, breaking the surface with a gasp that felt like fire.

the air was sharp, stabbing into my lungs, filling them with life i wasn't sure i wanted. the world came back too fast, too bright, too loud. i coughed, choked, retched, as the water poured out, leaving only the emptiness behind.

i lay on the cold ground, shivering, wet, broken. the sky was grey, clouds hanging heavy, threatening rain, but it was the wrong kind of rain, not the cleansing kind, not the kind that washes everything away.

the voices were quiet now, but they weren't gone. they lingered, just at the edge of my consciousness, waiting, watching, whispering things i couldn't quite hear. i was here, but not here, alive, but not living, surviving, but not saved.

september's chill clung to my skin, the dampness sinking in, but i didn't move, didn't try to find warmth. it didn't matter. nothing mattered. i had come up for air, but i wasn't sure if i was really breathing. the water was gone, but i was still drowning.