sombre

aconite eulogies

7:34 AM — tuesday october 19th

i wake up again. the light is too bright, it burns the edges of my vision, burns my skin, like i'm melting but i don’t have the strength to scream. i never do. i hear my breath, shallow, rattling in my throat like a trapped bird, trying to escape this body i no longer recognize. the room stretches in front of me, long and narrow, the walls closing in, mocking me, taunting me with their silence.

i remember, remember the sharpness, the taste of metal, the sound of bones cracking, my bones, my voice swallowed whole. rage coils inside me like a serpent, tightening, suffocating, but there’s no release. it stays there, deep and festering. i claw at my chest, fingers curling like claws, digging into skin, trying to tear it out but it clings to me, venom seeping through.

i walk, or float, or maybe i’m just sinking. the world is a haze, a fog of gray, everything dulled, muted, except the burning, the tearing. i see faces, blurred, fading into the white noise. their mouths move but i can’t hear them, i don’t want to. they don’t matter, nothing does. the anger is all i have, it keeps me warm in this cold, hollow shell i’ve become.

sometimes, i dream of smashing everything, of breaking the sky open, watching it bleed. maybe then it’ll match the chaos inside me. but i don’t. i just smile, keep walking, pretending the ground beneath me isn’t crumbling, that the cracks in my mind aren’t widening, threatening to swallow me whole.

but i feel it, this darkness, growing, spreading like ink, staining everything it touches. i try to keep it at bay, to push it down, but it rises, higher and higher, until i’m drowning. and no one sees. no one cares. they see the smile, the polished facade, the pretty lie i wear every day. they don’t see the rawness, the screaming inside, the storm that never ceases.

and i am tired.