Unhinged Love

CHAPTER 28

MELISIZWE MZIMELA

My whole life I have made sacrifices for my children. There are things I couldn’t do because I chose to become a husband and a father. There are dreams I couldn’t pursue because when I had my first born, he became my number one priority and i wanted to be there for him. Things between me and Thobisile weren’t that serious, but when she gave me my first proof of fertility, i knew that i had to make things right and become a better man.

I learned to become happy and satisfied with what I had. A beautiful wife and four amazing kids. But as time went by, i realized that i might have loved Thobisile but I was not in love with her. I cared for the woman, still do, but I knew that I couldn’t continue with her. If there was a chance or opportunity or me to fall I love with her, it could have happened in the 18 years that we were married, but it never did. But i could never fault her for anything. Even though she had a shitty attitude and angry issues, she was still a great mother. I decided to call it quits five years ago. To say she was pissed off wold be an understatement of the decade. She made things difficult. She even tried to changed herself just to become my ‘ideal woman’ but there was no love left in me, just compassion.

The divorce took a year to be finalized. She even left the country thinking when she returned i would have forgotten about the whole thing but that wasn’t the case. It’s not that she didn’t see there was no love lost between us, she was just so used to having me in her life that she didn’t want to let me go. But after attending 3 months of therapy, she finally understood what was happening and freed me. Our youngest kid did not understand why we broke up. But I can’t fault him. How can you explain to a seven year old that you did not do anything wrong, you just realized you made a mistake by marrying someone you weren’t in love with?

After my divorce, it took me two years to go back to the dating scene. That’s when I realized that most women date men my age because of financial stability and not because of love and that made me take a step back and focus on meaningless flings while waiting for the right woman. It’s worse when you live in Durban North or Umhlanga. That’s the sea most single women fish in with hopes to find a maintainer.

I thought that maybe I was not going to find a woman that is right for me, but that all faded away when I laid my eyes on Hlengiwe Mabuyakhulu. Without even uttering a word, she had my heart. Learning that she was with my son felt like the worst heartbreak in human history. I was never going to pursue her. Had she continued to be with my son, I would have lived her from afar, but Mbulelo had to go and make things easy for me by removing himself from the equation. The joy I felt when I heard that they broke up was out of this world. Mbulelo called me heartbroken and I sympathised with him because he had fumbled a great woman but i was over the moon because that meant I had a chance.

It’s not that i haven’t thought about how me pursuing Hlengi can affect any relationship with my family. I have thought about all of that. I know my kids are going to hate me. Mbulelo might even not speak to me for the rest of his life because he really loved Hlengi and i thought he had found his soulmate. Forgiving me will be hard but I know I have to do this for myself. Once again, I need to prioritize my feelings because they do matter.

Her beauty and humble character isn’t the only thing attracted me to her. Doing a research on her and actually seeing how she fought so hard to make her business a success made me fall for her. She is so petite and you could mistake her for a child but she is actually mature and smart. When i heard her answers on the interview he had, i just know that she was the one for me. When i saw her at Oceans Mall two days ago, i didn’t want to come on too strong but i knew i had to plant a seed in head just so she knows i am interested in her.

I havent been able to speak to anyone about my feelings for this woman. Not that I want someone to talk me out of pursuing her even if it causes me my family. But I just need someone who I can vent to. Maybe they can give me tips on how to approach this thing with caution. Thats why I invited nephew out for lunch. He is based in Northern Cape because that’s where he chose to raise his children with his wife but he was in town and I figured that getting some advice from him won’t hurt. We are men, so of course we are not going to go to a fancy restaurant. We are meeting in Davenport Shisanyama for some meat.

I get there early and place our order. We are men and we aren’t complicated. We just like meat, a lot of it. He arrives fifteen minutes later. He is with two other guys but they make themselves comfortable in another table while he comes to mine. I am not ignorant. I know what Sizwe Mnguni does for a Living, both legal and illegal but I am not one to pry on people’s businesses.

“Baba, how are you?” he asks as we shake hands and I smile, deciding on giving him a hug. There is nothing wrong with hugging a male family member. Don’t let society tell you otherwise.
“I am good, son. How are you and your small family?” I ask when sit down.
He smiles. “They are doing great. Growing. But what I know is that i am never impregnating that woman. Haa. Four kids and already i am starting to grow grey hair. I am even competing with you.” I laugh. His wife, Thandeka, is one of those blessed with multiples. Every time she falls pregnant, she gets twins.

“You are blessed. That should be something to worry about.” Our order comes and we start eating. I just ordered a cold drink because they don’t serve alcohol here.
“Not when my wife is this fertile. I had to get a vasectomy because I don’t want any more babies.” I chuckle. He has nice life problems. But at least he is in love with that woman. You shouldn’t wish to be in one space with them. It is sickening if you have not experienced that kind of love. It also leaves a yearning feeling. It makes you wish you had that.

“As long as you are happy and in love, whatever happens happens.” He smiles.
“Now what did you want to talk about, Mnguni?” He asks as he cuts the meat.
“I am in a bit of a predicament here. I am in love with Mbulelo’s ex. They broke up about a month ago because he wasn’t honest. I would like to think it is lust and it is not worth me losing a relationship i have with my son, but I have never felt like this before. I want to shower her with so much love. I want to be with her all The time. I saw her two days ago and I wish I never left her side.”

He keeps quiet while processing what I just said. He takes a sip of his drink and sits back. “Baba, you’re in deep shit. I can even tell from the look on your face that you are fucked. Anyways, what is it about this woman that makes her stand out? You haven’t even been in a serous relationship since Mam Thobisile. What makes her so special?”

I smile and sit back. “It’s her humble and calm. It’s how she is goal driven and doesn’t stop no matter what happens. It’s the way she handles herself in public. It’s the way she is built. She is so smart and beautiful and sexy. And I actually can’t picture my future without her. I don’t want to overwhelm her with how I feel but I can’t help myself.”

He chuckles. “Qwabe, you are fucked. And that’s just putting it politely. I can’t stop you from doing anything because you are going to pursue this woman against anyone’s jugdement. What i can say is that go for it. See if it is worth the risk. If it is not, shut it down. If it is, tell the kids about it soon and then live happily ever after with your soulmate.”

I nod and take a bite of the meat. What he just said is very important. I can’t tell my kids about this when I haven’t even pursued her. What if she rejects me? I should try first and see if it’s worth it before doing anything stupid. “I really needed to hear that. Phela the last time I courted a woman seriously was twenty five years ago. I don’t even know what to say without making a complete fool of myself.”

He laughs. “Dont worry about it, old man. But what you must know is that women nowadays are into grand gestures. Go out of your comfort zone just to impress her so that she can see how serious you are. All women want to be loved, wanted and cherished. Do something for her. Sing if you want to.”
“Hhayi Wena.” I reprimand him and he laughs again. “But I hear you and I will take your advice into account.”
“Buy her a car if you want.” I hit him with a piece of the meat and he laughs loudly. He is just having fun at my expense. But I am glad I had this chat with someone who didn’t judge me. I know one of my brothers would have. Well to anyone who bumps into the Mabuyakhulu goddess, tell her Mnguni is coming, guns blazing. She should be prepared.