Burden of Choices

Mixed Signals

Atlanta, GA

June 3rd

I wake up the next morning with a heavy feeling in my chest, the events of last night replaying in my mind. After I stormed out of Trey's party, I came straight home, ignoring the concerned texts from Maya and Tiana. I didn't even bother to check if KJ had reached out, too caught up in the emotions that I'd been trying to suppress.

I sit up in bed, rubbing my temples as I reach for my phone on the nightstand. The screen lights up with missed calls and unread messages, most of them from my friends, but one from an unknown number catches my eye. I click on it, and my heart skips a beat when I see it's from KJ.

KJ: Hey, I'm sorry about last night. Can we talk?

I stare at the message for a long moment, my thumb hovering over the keyboard. A part of me wants to respond, to hear him out and try to make sense of what happened. But another part of me—the part that's still hurt and confused—doesn't know if I'm ready to face him yet.

Before I can make a decision, my phone buzzes with a new message, this time from Maya.

Maya: You okay? You left so fast last night.

I sigh, knowing I can't avoid her forever. I type a quick response.

Me: I'm fine. Just needed some space. I'll fill you in later.

Her reply comes almost immediately.

Maya: Okay, but we're talking about this. You can't keep everything bottled up.

I put my phone down, feeling a mix of gratitude and frustration. Maya means well, but she doesn't understand how complicated things are with KJ. Hell, I don't even understand it.

I get out of bed and head to the bathroom, splashing cold water on my face in an attempt to wake myself up and clear my mind. As I stare at my reflection, I can't help but feel like I'm at a crossroads. My feelings for KJ are undeniable, but the way he acts, the way he plays with my emotions without even realizing it, is tearing me apart.

After getting dressed, I make myself a cup of coffee and sit down at the kitchen table, trying to decide what to do next. The logical part of me knows I should distance myself from KJ, and keep things strictly platonic to protect my heart. But the emotional part of me, the part that's still holding onto the memory of that night we spent together, wants to give him another chance.

My phone buzzes again, and this time it's another message from KJ.

KJ: Can we meet up today? I really need to talk to you.

I take a deep breath, knowing I can't avoid this conversation forever. I type out a response, my fingers trembling slightly.

Me: Yeah, we can talk. When and where?

His reply comes quickly.

KJ: I'll come by your place in an hour.

I stare at the message for a moment, my stomach twisting with nerves. I know this conversation could change everything between us, and I'm not sure if I'm ready for that. But I can't keep running from my feelings, no matter how messy they are.

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An hour later, there's a knock at my door. I take a deep breath before opening it, revealing KJ standing there with a serious expression on his face. He's dressed casually in a white tee and grey sweatpants.

"Hey," he says softly, his eyes searching mine for any sign of what I'm feeling.

"Hey," I reply, stepping aside to let him in.

He walks into the living room, glancing around like he's looking for something to say. I close the door and turn to face him, the tension between us thick enough to cut with a knife.

"So..." I start, crossing my arms over my chest, more to protect myself than anything else. "You wanted to talk?"

"Yeah," he says, rubbing the back of his neck. "About last night. I just... I feel like I owe you an explanation."

I raise an eyebrow, waiting for him to continue. He takes a deep breath, finally meeting my eyes.

"I know I messed up," he admits, his voice low. "I shouldn't have been all over those girls like that, especially not in front of you. I just... I didn't know how to handle things between us."

My heart clenches at his words, the mix of sincerity and confusion in his voice tugging at something deep inside me. "What do you mean, you didn't know how to handle it?"

He sighs, running a hand through his hair again. "I like you, Aulani. I do. But I'm not good at this... at relationships, or whatever you want to call it. I've never been good at staying with one person, and I don't want to hurt you by pretending I can be someone I'm not."

His words hit me like a punch to the gut. I knew KJ wasn't looking for anything serious, but hearing him say it out loud makes it feel so much more real.

"So what are you saying?" I ask, my voice barely above a whisper.

"I'm saying... I don't know what I want," he admits, looking down at the floor. "But I know I don't want to lose you. I care about you, and I don't want things to get weird between us."

I swallow hard, trying to keep my emotions in check. "But you're not ready for anything more."

He nods, his expression pained. "Yeah. And I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong impression. I just... I'm not ready for that, Aulani."

I take a deep breath, trying to process everything he's saying. A part of me wants to be angry, to tell him off for leading me on, but another part of me understands where he's coming from. I've seen the way he's lived, the way he's always been with girls, and I knew what I was getting into when I let myself fall for him.

But that doesn't make it hurt any less.

"I get it," I finally say, my voice steady despite the storm of emotions swirling inside me. "I get that you're not ready, and I won't push you for something you don't want."

KJ looks up at me, relief mixed with regret in his eyes. "Thanks for understanding, Aulani. I don't want to lose you as a friend."

I nod, forcing a small smile. "We'll be cool, KJ. But... I think we both need to be honest with ourselves about what we really want."

He nods slowly, understanding the unspoken words between us. This might be the beginning of the end, or it could be the start of something new. Either way, I know we can't keep going the way we have been.

KJ stays for a while longer, the conversation shifting to lighter topics as we try to salvage what's left of our friendship. But as he finally leaves, I can't shake the feeling that things will never be the same between us.

I watch him walk away, my heart heavy with the knowledge that I might have to let him go if I want to protect myself. And as much as that thought scares me, I know it's the right thing to do.

For now, at least, I'll have to figure out how to move forward, whether that's with or without KJ by my side.

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