A Dance to Death

Break through

Soft whispers in my ear. My eyes scan the room.
Corners.. Four... Four corners... Four walls... A hallway... A fire place...
The whispers come closer to me. Solid sounds were hard for me to pick out. I needed to focus on the place I was in.
Then a sharp pain in my stomach.
I looked over to see a blurry vision of a blonde hair girl...
I hope it's Toga...
I still didn't move.
All this work... For nothing... We lost so many people for nothing... All my life I have been wanting to show people I can be free, and my sister swoops in and ruins it.
A tear rushes down my face.
We lost Jin because we allowed stupid heroes into our cause. We lost everything. I lost everything again... I can't let this keep happening...
"I need to find Mariko," I whisper.
A hand goes under my head, propping me up.
"We'll find her. Toga took some of your blood so she can transform as you if she needs to," A male voice explains.
I look over at him, seeing a blurry figure of my beloved.
"Everything was for nothing... All of that work, just to be ruined. I was a failure. I underestimated my sister. I would have been able to stop her if I was strong enough."
The tears became a waterfall.
Showing everyone how helpless I truly was wasn't very normal for me.
"It's Ushy this! Ushy that! I'm tired of being the person I was! I need to find Mariko and find out what's going on with me! I can't keep feeling like this..."
Dabi shook his head.
"Pey, we can't find Mariko right now."
"You can't. I can. I'm going to find her."
"Pey," Pandora began, "I know where Mariko is. I'll go with you."
"No. I need to do this myself. I need to be strong."
Pandora's face showed how worried she was. I hugged her before she whispered in my ear where I could find Mariko.

The first time I met Mariko, I didn't know what to think of her. She wasn't anything like her husband, but I guess it was a good thing. I guess acting like a stressed, caring, wine mom is good. Mariko seems to always have the answers, and that's mostly because of her quirk.

I knocked on the door, rain rushing down my back.
The door opened, and to my surprise, she smiled at me.
"I knew you'd come sooner or later."
I was about as confused as a child watching a magic act.
"Wait, what do you mean?"
"You know I can always tell when people need me. I have mother senses."
"Oh, trust me, I know."
She motioned me inside.
"Get in here before you get sick."

She handed me a sweater, and helped me dry my hair.
"You need to take better care of yourself, Pey."
"You're not my mom."
"I know, but you don't take care of yourself. I also know Dabi isn't taking very good care of you either. If no one will, I will."
"He takes care of me as much as possible. He's just a little busy recently."
"Don't I know it. His broadcast was unnecessary..."
"To you!"
"My parents neglected me too, and yet I am nothing like any of you. I was never saved. Yeah, I hate heroes, but I would never hurt people."
"You don't understand our pain then."
"Maybe you guys don't understand your pain."
What does that even mean? Speaking in tongues.
"You're here because you want answers, Pey. If you don't have your answer already, then you don't understand why you're in pain. All you've done is because of blind rage."
I looked down.
She wasn't wrong. I did everything because I was either angry, or because I thought it was for a good cause. I don't understand why I am the way I am. I did come here to understand why the voices are louder.
Maybe it's all blind rage.
She took my hand.
"You're here for your biggest regret, correct?"
"Yeah. The voice said that will help with the answers..."
"Okay. Take a deep breath, and prepare yourself. You might have a panic attack seeing it again."
I did as I was told, taking a deep breath in.
It can't even be that bad.

I closed my eyes. The world stopped for a moment. Then, the smell of a well cleaned building filled my nose. I opened my eyes. My heart stopped for a moment. I looked down at myself as a child, playing in my fathers office.
I look away from tiny me.
"Look back at her, Peyusha. You have to," Mariko demands, "It's the day you regret the most."
I hesitantly look back, my nails digging into my skin.

As I played in my fathers office, the smoke alarms started to go off.
"Ushy, baby, stay here. I'm going to check if it's real, or just a fake alarm," My dad said, walking out.
I did as he said, and stayed.
A few moments later, I heard screaming. I went to open the door, but the handle was hot. I started to tremble.
"Daddy!" I yelled, hoping he would hear me.
Nothing but screams. Female and male screams. I decided to open the door, no matter how hot it was. I was hit by an unbearable heat. The bright fire made my eyes light up.
It was beautifully dangerous.
I raced out. The fire burnt my arms, neck, and right leg.
I heard what sounded like my dad calling, "Ushy!"
Instead of going outside, I went to his voice.
"Daddy!"
I ran over to him. He was laying on the ground, burnt, and unable to move.
"Ushy, you need to use your quirk, and get out! I don't know when the heroes are getting here."
"Daddy, I can save you! I can use my quirk on both of us!"
"No, Ushy, save yourself! Listen to me! I can't lose you."
He cupped my cheek with his burnt hand. I felt tears rush down my face.
"I'm strong enough, daddy! Please, let me save you."
"No, Ushy. You have to listen to me! Go now!"
I cried, turning into a shadow and exiting the burning building.
I sat outside of the burning building for twelve more minutes, waiting for the heroes to arrive. When they arrived, the building was engulfed with flames. I stared blankly at the building.
Daddy's alive. He can't die.
The worst left my mind. A hero walked over to me, placing a hand on my shoulder.
"Hey, kiddo. What are you doing out here?"
"Daddy's in there. I was there too. I escaped. Daddy didn't."
The hero looked over at the people standing by the ambulance, motioning them over. He whispered something to them before they took me over to get checked.

"Pey, why do you regret this day? You didn't do anything," Mariko bluntly stated.
"I wasn't strong enough. Ushy allowed her father to get killed. She could have saved him, no matter how much weight he was. No matter how much he demanded. Ushy is weak..."
"Pey, I'm going to ask you a serious question. Who made you think that?"
I held back my tears.
"Why does it matter? It's true. If I was just strong enough, I would have saved my dad."
"But, you realize, even if you weren't there, he would have died anyway? It's not your fault, the heroes should have gotten there sooner."
I clenched my fist.
"Why do you think I'm so innocent? If I was strong enough to save him, or to save Touya, I would be happy."
She placed a hand on my shoulder.
"You were just a kid. It's not your fault, Peyusha. It's the hero's fault. They shouldn't have been there so late. You didn't ask for any of this. You just wanted to play."
Tears raced down my cheeks like race cars.
"I'm still not strong enough! I let everyone in the league down! Everything I have done has been for nothing! I haven't been able to prove my point because I keep getting beaten!"
Mariko held my face.
"So make it worth something. What do you want to prove? Dig deep, Pey. Remove what Kimiko, or your mother, or Dabi, or what everybody else thinks. Who are you?"
I shrug.
"I don't know."
"Then learn."

My shoes make an echo through the hideout. I leave wet trails behind me. Dabi races down the stairs and to me.
"Pey, you're all wet."
"I know..."
"Did you get what you needed?"
"I... I'm not sure..."
He helps me up the stairs and to our room. I stare blankly at the floor.
Pey, or Ushy? Strong, or weak? Is being weak good? What makes Pey so different from Ushy?
"Pey, what's going on with you?"
"I don't know."
Dabi sighs, helping me out of my wet clothes, and into clean ones. I lay on the bed, closing my eyes.

The dark void once more.
"You know, I'm getting real fucking tired of these mind games! One minute I know who I am, and the next I don't! I'm need answers, and I need them now!" I yell.
"Peyusha, you have to fully get rid of Ushy in order to be Pey. In order to be the person you want to be, you have to let go of Ushy."
"But how?"
"You will know when the time comes. The time where you have to choose Kimiko, Yuudai, and me, or the league. Family versus family."
I scoffed.
"I'm tired of this."
"Then choose."
"I can't! I don't know who I want to choose!"
"Because you're all attached to us."
"No, because I don't know who I'm attached to! I don't even know if I'm attached to you! I love you, dad, but I can't keep being like this! I can't keep being helpless."
"Then you're already close to knowing who you are, my dear."
Why do I have to live like this?