THE DREAM CATCHER

17.

A week went by. A week of me feeling and I'm so sick of it I want to throw up on the floor I'm currently lying on. It's another Friday, I didn't go to school for a week. I haven't seen my mother for a week. I didn't exchange a word with my father for a week. I'm loosing my mind. I'm loosing my mind because of every aspect of life that affects me. I feel too much. I hear too much. I see too much. Everything seems so bright and sharp, so dangerous and attacking me from every corner. Valentina calls a couple of times a day, she tries to visit me but sometimes I pretend to be asleep. I don't want to talk. I can't talk. I'm not strong enough to talk with anyone but myself. I'm having hours long conversations with myself in my brain and I'm becoming tired of the person I am. It's like I'm getting to know someone annoying from the very beginning. It's sickening. Tiring. I don't want it anymore. I don't want to live anymore. But I don't want to come back to the feeling of floating somewhere between the sleep and the life either. I just want to disappear.
Right now I'm lying on my bedroom floor staring at the ceiling for the last 3 hours. I haven't moved a bit. The white colour is so overwhelming and so terribly dull like I used to be I want to spit blood on it, at least to make it have any colour at all. It's so plain, so undisturbed, like I was.
And I hate it. It has nothing to offer but an endless space of nothingness. It's crushing me. I'm done being helpless, being sad, being a coward. I know Noah wouldn't want that. I know he would want me to be happy. And if not happy than at least strong. And I'll force every inch of my body to make him proud.
Suddenly, an amazing idea fills my mind.

,,Tell me what exactly are we doing?" Valentina asks as I'm leading her through the soaked in evening light city streets.
,,I'm getting a tattoo." I answer dully, not turning back to look at her. I'm so proud of my sudden idea that I can't help a smile appearing on my face. I'm going to glory my brother forever. I'm never forgetting him again.
,,Yeah, right." She says visibly tired with me and it makes me smile even more. I have to fight. A whole week of dying is enough.
I'm turning the corner to a dark alley where I know I can find an infamous tattoo studio we used to visit when we were underage and wanted to get illegal tattoo easily. Diego did, I didn't have mind to think about things like that. But since I got my brains back I'm going to use it the very best way I can. My way.
Valentina is following me and I see a flash of fear on her face. The alley is dirty, covered in trash and old posters on the obscure walls. There are some lamps attached to the walls of the buildings, blinking with orange light. The concrete is wet and it stinks like dead rat in here. Perfect place for my first ever tattoo.
,,Ready?" I say as I grab the handle of the tattoo studio door. It's marked with a partly not working, green, neon sign. The glass door is dirty and minted and I can already see the hideous inside.
,,Not at all." Val says as I open the door.
The smell of cigarette smoke and mold attacks us as soon as we enter the place. The room is very small, walls, floor and ceiling are all black. There are tons of posters and another partly working neon signs scattered around. There's also one chair in the middle where sits an approximately 14 years old boy, balling his eyes out as a tattooist is dealing with his arm.
,,Good evening." I say casually, trying to bring his attention to me.
A middle aged, bald man with a heavy beard looks up from boy's arm to look at me. His massive, bear body is covered in tattoos, even his bald scalp and face.
,,Are you lost?" He asks visually shocked by seeing someone like us in this place. This is not a place for rich kids at all. But I had to have this tattoo made there and now.
,,I'm here to get a tattoo." I reply already pissed with his approach.
And then, a man bursts into laughter. He's laughing at me in my face. He seems like nothing made him so amused in years. And I frown my brows as I throw a pile of banknotes on the floor with rage. I won't let anyone treat me like an amusement. Not since I know I can be something more than just a shell of a human. Not since I have a choice, I have a voice, and I have a mind that's fully mine. Only then he goes silent. He turns to look at the boy sitting on the chair and waves his head to chase him away to make a place for me. The boy triples as he jumps on his feet and runs away to the room at the back hidden behind an oriental blanket. I look at the man proudly as I approach the chair and sit on it.
,,So, what are we doing young lady?" He says with a flash of his silver teeth, wandering his eyes between mine and the pile of money on the floor. I've got his attention.
,,I'd rather you look at me not at the money when you tattoo me." I say and I hear Val sigh.
,,Sure, ma'am." The man says bringing his eyes on me, trying to be polite since I have something to offer. But his smile is venomous.
,,I want a name ,,Noah" here. In some eye burning font." I say as I point to the place a little bit under my left collarbone. Where Noah is. In my heart. Forever and ever.
As he prepares his work devices I take my sweater off and sit there only in my bra which suddenly makes me feel awkward. What on earth am I doing?
,,Be careful, those people are not very friendly. Nor safe." I hear Val's whisper to my ear and feel her hand shaking while touching my shoulder. ,,I know you're excited by this whole feeling stuff, but be careful Ed." Her voice is shaky, full of fear. ,,Please."
,,I will." I say trying to sound confident but I'm not at all. Maybe I am taking too much risk for an amateur.
But I don't have much time to think about it because the needle crawls into my flesh with so much pain I wasn't ready for. But after a while I'm already admiring my first ever tattoo, right on my chest, burning like hell, in the mirror the tattooist is holding in front of me. I touch it gently and I feel tears gathering under my eyelids. Now Noah's the part of me. And no one will ever take him away from me anymore. Never. They would have to crave my skin out to do it. I hope they won't, whoever they are...
I'm filled with so much adrenaline and excitement I barely hear Valentina talking to me as we're wandering through the already dark city.
,,Hmm?" I ask still running my fingers around the place where Noah is.
,,I asked if you wanted to go to Theo's. Like every Friday. Maybe it would do good for you. To see people." She seems to hesitate whether she should ask me that or not.
Like I am a fragile, glass vase that can break if you push on it too hard. I hate her pity. I don't want it. I want people to treat me like a person I've finally became. I want to be seen as a human.
,,I want to go." I respond looking back at her. Her faint smile of relief says it all. She's afraid to hurt me.
After my words we remain silent. We are walking through the soaked in darkness city, lighten only by lanterns scattered around everywhere we look. Their dull light seems lonely, strange. It enlightens something that's important for them, doesn't pay attention to anything around missing it. Missing something that might be even more important and worthy. I can see trash scattered around the city, filling up dark alleys between the skyscrapers. Only now I realised how much graffiti obscures those alleys. It's like another world tucked between this peaceful, rich existence of glass heaven buildings. The red light coming from the alleys gives me shivers. How come I've never seen that it's not all butterflies and rainbows? How didn't I notice that my perfect world wasn't at all perfect. How could I be blind for so long. The thought makes me feel sucking pain at the bottom of my stomach and at the back of my head. How could I be so absent this whole time?
As we are walking next to one of the skyscrapers I suddenly feel something wet and thick landing on my cheek. I brush it with my finger as I look up to see where it came from and the view is so horrific it can't be true. I refuse to believe it's true. On the second floor, through the open window a young woman hangs on the rope tied on her neck and the other end of the rope is attached to the window frame. Her wrists are cut and black liquid oozes from them dripping down on the pavement. And me. Her eyes must be widely open because even from this distance I can see its completely white, cold surface. The view freezes me to the bone and my legs stop cooperating to move forward. I just keep my head up looking at this girl who took her life. Valentina stops in front of me when she realises I stopped too.
,,What happened?" She asks studying my face with her curious eyes.
,,Do you see it too?" I say pointing at the body hanging 10 meters above with a shaky hand. This must be just one of my hallucinations.
,,Yeah. Poor girl." She says in response with so dull and unmoved voice like she didn't just see the corpse hanging above. And like it's so normal for her, like eating. She seems absolutely unbothered by the fact that the girl hanging in the air took her own life seconds ago.
,,What?" I ask completely stunned. I don't understand her reaction. I don't understand the situation I found myself in.
,,What what?" She asks curious like I asked the most stupidest question I could possibly ask. And I'm even more confused.
,,Aren't you terrified?..." I ask but my voice is barely a whisper. I can't manage to say it louder. I can't manage to breathe.
,,Ed..." Valentina says putting her hands gently on my shoulders to bring my eyes to her face. ,,it's been happening all the time. For ages. By the time you just get used to it." She says that and I can finally see a flash of sadness on her face. Her brows frown and lips curve in a sad smile. ,,But I'm glad you don't remember seeing everything from before." She adds and my blood's temperature drops to a dangerously low level.
,,What do you mean?" I ask, voice trembling, threatening to brake at any moment.
,,Not now.'' She says quietly and slightly pulls me forward. ,,Come on, we have to go."
I don't say a word. Not because I don't want to. I do. In fact, I want to scream so loudly my vocal cords break and my chest collapses. But I'm too tired. I can't find my voice. I can't even walk. I'm blindly leaded by Valentina's warm hand on my shoulder and I don't even know where I am anymore. My brain spins, I can't see the surrounding. I hear only a terrible, squeaking noise and running blood in my ears. It's too much.
,,Oh." Valentina brings me back as she takes away her hand and her comforting presence with it. I look at her unconsciously. She looks down at her pager and smiles widely. ,,They all left Theo's to watch Borderland."
,,To watch what?" I ask completely beaten off track. I'm so done with unawareness. I don't know a thing about a world I live in. And it's killing me.
,,You're kidding right?" She says deadly serious but also amused as she smiles at me and pulls me in the other direction, leading me across the street.
,,Borderland is an amazing place." She says as we turn the corner and find ourselves in yet another glass street, smile not leaving her face. ,,I can't believe you don't remember being there."
,,But what is this place?" I insist on knowing. I feel like a newborn.
,,You'll see." She says mysteriously as she pulls me further.
We must have left the city centre because here, the buildings are lower, less numerous and more neglected. Most of them are not made of glass but obscure, sandy brick. The smell of fumes and mustiness presses against my nostrils. It's more dirty in here, trash scattered everywhere, even on the car streets, homeless animals feasting on it. It's already over curfew so I don't see anyone here. All lights are turned off, only rare lanterns provide a source of light. It's dead in here. Suddenly, Valentina pulls me to the side I almost trip over jagged pavement tiles.
We squeeze through the two buildings pressed so close together it's obvious the space isn't supposed to be used as a walking path. At the end of the walls tunnel I see a cold light, like it shines from the spotlights. When we finally escape the suffocating alley we find ourselves in even more suffocating place. I can't take my breath.
We are standing at the edge of a huge square pressed with blocks walls from every side. I can't see any other entrance here except those tiny tunnels between building like the one we used to get there. The walls are dirty in soot, overgrown with dead ivy and covered in graffiti from the bottom to the top. Above our heads, reflectors hanging on the thin wires are attached to the opposite buildings. Many of the windows in the buildings are broken, insides look neglected, abandoned. I can see some trucks whose owners serve ragweed or food. But what scares me the most is what's going on in this square. There's a low platform in the middle. Around the platform a ginormous crowd of people have gathered. There must be hundreds of them. Sweaty, tired bodies pressed together, hands raised highly in the air. They're all screaming, cursing, some of them pushing one another. It's a hell. Pure hell. I can't see what's going on on the platform. But I'm soon to be acknowledged. Valentina screams some words of joy as she pulls me to the crowd and I try not to break free from her grip and run away. I don't even know where I am. Now I see that she spotted Diego, Theo and some other kids from our class next to the beer truck.
,,Hey ladies." Theo says, his eyes so covered in blunt fog I can't see their colour properly. But that might be also because his pupils are as big as golf balls. He's drugged.
,,Hello." Valentina says with a bright smile.
Suddenly, I feel someone's hand on my shoulder. I jump off like I've been burned only to look into sky blue eyes of the boy that touched me. Diego.
,,Hey." I manage to say and I put an awkward smile on my face. ,,You scared me." I try to excuse myself by giving him innocence smile. I can see his eyebrows frown on his pale face, his brown, straight hair scattering his forehead. He smiles at me too and catches my hand. I try not to flinch.
,,Sorry, honey." He says running his thumb around my knuckles.
I wonder if Diego is too stupid to believe that I broke up with him or if he was drugged when I did. Because he acts like what I told him was nothing more than a fly buzzing. I study his body dressed in blue polo shirt matching his eyes. I study his dark jeans and blindingly clean shoes. Rich kid in the suburbs. Like us all. I study the rest of the group. Theo looks similar, his dark green sweater in contrast with his chestnut red hair. Molly looks too rich for this place too in her stupid yellow dress. I look at us - me and Val. I almost laugh out loud. Val looks at least inappropriate in her pink, fur jacket and low waisted jeans. And I do even more. I have ankle length, tight, heeled boots, black, short skirt and red, cashmere sweater. We should be sitting in library in those outfits instead wandering around suspicious, suburban gangs' meeting places.
,,Do you want some?" Diego's gentle, rich voice brings me back from judging our outfits. He wants to make up for our last fight. I force myself not to laugh. I can see his hand opened in front of my face. Two little, yellow, sun shaped pills lay on his palm waiting for me to take it. I raise my eyes to look into his face and he seems amused and welcoming me to get drugged with him.
Sudden stabbing pain of memory attacks my head. I don't remember taking this. Only Valentina told me I did. But somehow I know the thing he's holding in front of my face is the dream catcher. And somehow I know I shouldn't take it here.
,,No." I say sharply as if this would blunt my pain. But I correct myself quickly not to sound suspicious. I don't trust him enough to tell him about my change that he probably have already noticed. Especially when I broke up with him. ,,I haven't eaten for a long time so I'd most likely throw up." I force a shy laugh that sounds more like a choking cat.
,,Ugh, fine." Diego says irritated, rolling his eyes on me and he presses his palm to his mouth and devours two pills at once. I look at him stunned. That's it of him trying to make up.
,,It's about to begin!" I hear Molly's scream and suddenly I'm being pushed in the platform's direction.
We squeeze through the people cursing and even spitting on us but we manage it to the edge where everything is visible. A tall figure of a man climbs onto the stage from the opposite side and with a bright smile of his fake, silver teeth he starts:
,,Welcome on Borderland you pretty beasts!!!" He screams into the microphone with such a deep, unpleasant voice it hurts my ears. The crowd explodes in screams of joy which makes me want to fall down on the ground and bury myself underneath. I feel chaos. ,,Ready for some borders to be crossed?" He screams once again and the crowd once again bursts into flames and applauses.
I can almost see their fuming emotions crawling outside them. They are more than ready to watch... whatever is going to be presented here.
,,Val, what's going on?" I try to whisper to my friend's ear but the crowd's growls are too loud so I repeat louder.
,,Borderland is a place where people can out their emotions. You know, it's needed nowadays, you saw yourself... Here, you cross the borders." she says directly into my ear and I know her words are allusion to the girl hanging from the window. ,,So they fight. Physical ways are the best to out rage. Whoever wins can kill the lost one." I know she's not smiling. I know she doesn't appreciate this. Please Val, don't appreciate this. You can't think this is good, this is normal. How can anybody perceive this as normal. I look around to see people's faces frown with joy and excitement. And I can't believe my eyes. I can't believe this is really happening. We ended a war only to have a little ones right under our noses. Killing each other. And for what? I refuse to believe her words. She must have been joking on me.
But I know she's not. I know she's not as two figures climb up the platform from the sides. One is a slim but broad-shouldered, bald man covered in tattoos. The moment he makes it onto the stage he wrenches his shirt off and his much more tattoos are visible. But when I turn to look in the other side I die. I'm sure I'm dying. Nothing could compare to the fear I'm now experiencing.
Niccòlo stands at the other side of the platform. And the only thing I prayed for was to never see him again. Well, the heavens really did spit on me.
,,Hey Drill." He says casually, unbothered by the situation. By the death fight he's about to take part in. He raises his hand to shake it with his fighting partner, but so called Drill gives him only a poisoned smile and spits on the ground next to his shoes. My stranger's brows frown.
I can see him now. And even the terror of this moment can't force me to take my eyes of him. As I study him he starts unbuttoning his shirt and in a blink of an eye he tosses it onto the wooden panels staying there, dressed only in pants and boots. I can see his tattoo now. It's a sun. A sun with 6 main rays. Two of them trying to catch his ears, two of them wrapping around his ribs and two loosing theirs ends underneath his belt. The tattoo is so detailed, so beautiful and even disturbing at some point I can't fight the thought of touching it. His absolutely perfectly sculpted body looks like a Greek god's statue. He is a masterpiece in every inch. He looks unreal, unbelievably godly. He, in whole, looks like a Greek God's statue. And the tattoo makes him look like a painting made by the most brilliant master. And his eyes... oh this eyes. I can't take mine of them. They seem so familiar. So like home. I can't take my eyes of them even as he bends lower on his knees and raises his hands ready to fight. I can't take my eyes of them even as he takes a step closer. I can't take my eyes of them even as he throws the first punch that makes his enemy's nose bleed.
,,Niccòlo Costa draws the first punch at Drill! That's going to be an interesting night!" A man leading the fight comments cheerfully.
And I'm suddenly filled with a feeling that whooshes the air from my lungs.

Danger.